External pleasantries and niceties might feel fake at the beginning, but over time it will transform our overall attitude

Being a “two-faced” person, one who is outwardly warm and fuzzy, and inside as cold and callous as they come, is absolutely the Jewish way. I know — such a persona would seem to be the epitome of phoniness, something to avoid becoming at all costs. But sometimes projecting outwardly friendly behavior when we don’t feel that way on the inside is the right way to go.

A Change of Fortune

About a year ago, I noticed that a daily attendee of one of my shiurim came dressed in an elegant suit and tie, which was unusual for him. I asked him afterward if he was on his way to a wedding, and he said he wasn’t. The next night, the man walked in again in the same dignified attire, and again the night after that.

After a week, I pulled him aside and voiced my curiosity about his change of dress code. He responded with such an interesting explanation. He said that he worked in the financial industry, and for many years he had dressed in a classy suit and tie every day, until Covid struck. When offices were shut down during the pandemic and he was working from home, he started to dress more casually. This new approach to attire continued even after work resumed in the office.

But this fellow recently noticed that his productivity, effectiveness, and work ethic had all taken a dive since Covid, and he couldn’t figure out why. So he decided to start dressing in the same elegant way that he used to, with the hope that his good mazel would somehow return.

Just last month, I went over to him and asked him if business had picked up. He said that it had dramatically improved over the last few months, and that he attributed it to the way that he physically presents himself — in full formal attire — at work.

If you’ll indulge me, I want to explore this person’s sudden change of fortune, because I think the underlying wisdom in this man’s new approach goes to the foundation of Yiddishkeit.

Dress the Part

The Torah (in parshas Tetzaveh) describes in great detail the exquisite garments that the Kohanim were to wear when serving in the Beis Hamikdash, and the Torah warns that if the Kohein performs his service with even one of these elaborate garments missing, he incurs a Heavenly death penalty. Sefer Hachinuch explains the reason for the severity in the Kohein’s dress code. Wearing this clothing, writes the Sefer Hachinuch, constantly reminds the Kohein of his special status and distinguished position as Hashem’s servant in His Beis Hamikdash.

There might be days when a Kohein is not in the mood, isn’t so focused, does not feel motivated, and is not so interested in fulfilling his tasks. But when he wears these prestigious garments, it reminds him of his utmost importance, of his unique and lofty role, and of his tremendous responsibility in representing the nation.

Sefer Hachinuch (Mitzvos 16, 545, and 606, inter alia) expands on this idea and teaches us a general principle in life. Our mindset is greatly affected by our external actions and physical presentation. If one is not in the mood to do something he feels he should, the best solution is to take the initial steps and just get started. Take action externally, and your attitude inevitably will shift. Act the part, look the part, dress the part, and the mindset and attitude will follow. The reason the Kohein wore such extravagant garments was to exert that powerful influence on his mood and remind himself of his special status as a Jewish leader.

This, I believe, is the lesson of my friend who reignited his business career. It’s not just that dressing elegantly made other people look at him in higher regard. That is certainly true — it helped him earn more respect from other people, but it’s not the main point. A person’s clothing confers respect and dignity on him.

When we wear an old, worn-out T-shirt and walk around in our slippers, we do not take ourselves as seriously as we do when we’re dressed in fine, formal attire. Like the Kohanim, we all have a holy job to do. We all have to serve Hashem, each person in his or her own role. And like the Kohanim, we need to dress in a manner that befits our job. If we dress respectably, we are far more likely to take ourselves seriously, be mindful of our value, and do our job to the very best of our ability.

Manners vs. Morality

But this theme isn’t unique to the way we conduct business, or even the way we dress. It goes much deeper.

Someone recently showed me a study undertaken by elite universities around the world to determine whether a person who meditates is likely to have greater morality and empathy than one who doesn’t. Half of the study group meditated for eight weeks, the other half did not. At the end of that period, the subjects were each placed in a room that had three chairs, with two other people already seated. (These two were “in” on the study and told not to react.)

Soon a fourth person on crutches wearing a boot for a broken foot entered the room, sighed in pain, and leaned against the wall. The researchers called the results “striking,” noting that only 16 percent of the nonmeditators gave up their seats, while 50 percent of the meditators did. (Yes, we would all agree that in the Jewish world, the results from such a study would generate significantly better results.)

The researchers excitedly concluded that this demonstrated that meditation leads to better morality and increased compassion.

However, the person who showed me this study felt that the conclusion was inherently flawed. Offering one’s seat to an injured person is not morality, he argued. It’s manners. Having good manners does not necessarily reflect good morality.

Manners can be thought of as the little rule book that every individual in a society must follow for it to function smoothly. Good manners automatically dictate that your actions will not hurt somebody else, physically or emotionally. Morals, on the other hand, are the core values that drive how we define good or bad, and direct our behavior. For example, choosing to be honest when it would be easier to tell a lie is a moral. Morals and manners are two separate and disconnected concepts, claimed my friend. If someone offers his seat to the person with crutches, this shows good manners, not necessarily good morality.

But you see, my friend has it wrong. Good manners and good morals are connected, because one’s external conduct, as Sefer Hachinuch teaches us, greatly impacts his mindset and internal morals. The way you behave on the outside eventually affects you to the extent that it changes you also on the inside. There is a direct correlation, it turns out, between one’s external manners and one’s internal morals.

This principle also has a source in the holy words of the Rambam (Peirush HaMishnayos on Avos). The Rambam posits that it is preferable to donate one gold coin each to 1,000 individuals rather than give 1,000 gold coins to one single individual. By repeating the external act of giving, the inner trait of generosity becomes embedded into one’s personality. In other words, by outwardly behaving as a giver, one is influenced to internally improve his morality and become a true giver.

So what’s the practical takeaway from this connection between one’s external manners and its effect on one’s inner morals? What’s the bottom line?

But Isn’t This Fake?

Here is the bottom line: Being outwardly nice to others, greeting them warmly, smiling at them, just going through the motions of being friendly — when not sincerely meaning it — might seem terribly two-faced. It feels fake and phony. But Sefer Hachinuch is teaching us that when we aren’t feeling friendly and warm toward someone internally, the best solution is to outwardly act friendly and warm — because that will greatly, positively impact the way we feel inside about him.

In the words of the great Rav Moshe Chaim Luzzatto (Mesillas Yesharim, Chapter 7): “External movements of a person awaken internal ones. And certainly, a person has more control of his external actions than of his internal thoughts and feelings. But if a person uses what is under his control, he will eventually be able to procure that which is not currently under his control.”

And what’s more, sometimes it’s not about the other guy, it’s just that we ourselves are not in the mood. It’s hard to be pleasant and engaging when we are suffering personal angst or are just plain grumpy. However, pushing ourselves to paste on a friendly smile, no matter how we feel, just might lift our moods. The external pleasantries and niceties might feel fake at the beginning, but over time it will transform our overall attitude. “Acting the part”, over time, will indeed make us “become the part.”

Rabbi Aryeh Kerzner is the rav of Agudas Yisrael of Montreal and a noted posek and popular speaker. Many of his shiurim and speeches are available online. He is the author of the sefer Halachah at Home, published by ArtScroll/Mesorah

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1024)