Some examples of lessons I’ve learned from three “eishes chavers” over the years

PHOTO: CC BY-SA BACKSHT FAMILY

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very accomplished talmid chacham credits his wife as Rabi Akiva himself did: “Sheli v’shelachem shelah hi.”

Anyone who’s had the zechus to be a frequent visitor to the home of a gadol cannot help but be inspired by the exceptional middos of the akeres habayis — the spiritual power behind all the greatness. Allow me to share some examples of lessons I’ve learned from three such “eishes chavers” over the years.

Rebbetzin Pesha Leibowitz a”h

She was the wife of Rav Henoch Leibowitz ztz”l, the rosh yeshivah of Yeshivah Chofetz Chaim for more than 60 years. Talmidim over many decades knew her as the fierce protector of the Rosh Yeshivah’s health. She was the gatekeeper who alone decided when to allow talmidim access to the Rosh Yeshivah. We all saw how the Rosh Yeshivah, who was always in frail health, appreciated her dedication to his welfare and obediently followed all her directives.

Much less well-known was her incredible devotion to chesed. The Rebbetzin had a relative in Bnei Brak who was a great talmid chacham leading an overwhelmingly difficult life. A debilitating illness robbed him of his ability to teach and provide for his large family. The Rebbetzin committed herself to help the family.

She partnered with another relative of this person, the Mirrer Rosh Yeshivah Rav Shmuel Berenbaum ztz”l, and they bore this great burden together for many years. I often served as a shaliach for transferring funds between the Rebbetzin and Rav Shmuel.

Once, when I dropped an envelope off with the Mirrer Rosh Yeshivah, he told me, “The gantze velt knows that Rav Henoch is one of the gedolei hador in Torah and mussar, but few very know that the Rebbetzin is the gadol hador in chesed.”

On one of the Rebbetzin’s annual trips to Eretz Yisrael, her close friend Rebbetzin Kanarek of Yerushalayim (she should have arichus yamim) told her that she collected old clothes to give out to poor families in Yerushalayim and wished she had more clothes to give out. Rebbetzin Leibowitz decided on the spot to partner with Rebbetzin Kanarek in this mission.

Her basement became a storehouse for the bags and bags of used clothes that she repackaged to send off to Rebbetzin Kanarek in Yerushalayim. When the Rebbetzin heard that someone was planning a trip to Eretz Yisrael, invariably I would get a call from her. I then had the rather uncomfortable job of reaching out to the travelers and asking (begging) them to bring the bag with them.

Many years ago a former talmid was taking a large group of teenagers for a summer trip to Eretz Yisrael. When he was given permission to add on extra bags, of course the Rebbetzin got wind of this. The next day I was part of a crew in a large van that brought 33 large bags of clothes to the airport. As we began unloading, an OU official nearby asked what all this was for. When I explained, he was extremely impressed.

“Which organization is sending all this?” he asked.

“There is only one woman doing all this all by herself,” I responded.

There are so many more stories about her remarkable chesed activities that I and others can share, however the point of my message here is, that in addition to her lifetime’s role as the protector and enabler of her husband’s colossal achievements for Klal Yisrael, there was another incredible aspect of her life that so much can be learned from. While most were not aware, hopefully now they will be.

Rebbetzin Shaina Chaya Elyashiv a”h

Rebbetzin Elyashiv was known far and wide for her incredible devotion to her husband, the posek hador Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv ztz”l and her commitment to allow him to learn uninterrupted with great hasmadah. And of course, she left behind an incredible family, sons and daughters who shaped the Torah landscape for a generation. But she also had unparalleled care and concern for every person.

Her home was once packed wall-to-wall with people of all ages and backgrounds waiting to spend a few precious moments with the gadol hador. She somehow always managed to remain out of sight in the tiny two-and-a-half-room apartment. That night, she called me over to go downstairs and try to catch a young boy who had just left with his whole family. Somehow, from her hidden spot, she had noticed the sad face on this young child in the shadow of all his older siblings.

I did her bidding and managed to bring him back inside.

The Rebbetzin told him, “The Rav feels bad that he didn’t get to say shalom aleichem to you.”

The three of us went back in and she brought him over to the Rav. Rav Elyashiv sat him down and asked him about what he was learning in cheder and them gave him a beautifully warm brachah. I don’t remember the brachah, but for as long as I live, I will never forget the glow on that little boy’s face when he left the room.

I recently heard another story about the Rebbetzin when she went to PTA for her youngest daughter. When she arrived, all the young mothers quickly stepped aside to let the revered Rebbetzin go in first. She insisted on waiting her turn. After she met with the teacher, she went outside and sat down and waited.

It was much later when the teacher finished all her meetings. She was quite startled to see the Rebbetzin waiting outside and asked her if everything was all right.

The Rebbetzin responded, “Baruch Hashem, all is fine, but how can I just allow you to go home alone so late at night? I want to escort you home.”

The teacher was totally embarrassed and tried to demur. The Rebbetzin gave her famous warm smile and said, “Please, you will be doing me a personal favor to let me walk you home. You can’t imagine how happy my daughter will be when I tell her that I had the great honor of walking her morah home.”

And she did. That incredible concern for others didn’t just teach her young daughter a lesson, it taught an entire generation.

Rebbetzin Chana Perel Kotler a”h

Rebbetzin Kotler a”h, the wife of the gadol hador Rav Aharon Kotler ztz”l, is another great woman whose name is known to all of Klal Yisrael, but the nature of her great soul is not.

I never had the zechus to meet the Rebbetzin personally, but I did hear a story that her only son, the great rosh yeshivah from Lakewood Rav Shneur Kotler ztz”l shared with me.

About 50 years ago, on a plane back to New York from Eretz Yisrael, I was overjoyed to find that the rosh yeshivah Rav Shneur was on the same flight. The Rosh Yeshivah was sitting all alone, with an empty seat right next to him. I went over to him and introduced myself as a friend of his son Reb Isser Zalmen and asked if I could speak with him. Rav Shneur not only was kind enough to agree, he even offered me the empty seat next to him. It was an incredibly memorable trip.

One thing I asked the Rosh Yeshivah for was a personal story about his illustrious father Rav Aharon that most people didn’t know. The Rosh Yeshivah laughed and said, “Maybe instead of telling you about my father, let me tell you about my mother.”

He shared that his mother had a sweet tooth and loved to hold a sugar cube between her teeth when she drank a hot tea (as was done in Lita). However, he added, “From the time she arrived in the United States until after the war ended, she never put a sugar cube in her mouth, to identify with the tzaros of Klal Yisrael at that time.”

I vividly remember the Rosh Yeshivah tearing up a bit as he said this.

I could not have appreciated that story at the time the way I do now. I have written about this story and shared it with audiences all over the world. I have now heard from so many others how this story has been repeated thousands of times since the events of October 7.

Volumes have been written about Rav Aharon’s herculean efforts on behalf of the Vaad Hatzalah when he arrived on these shores. With a handful of dedicated askanim, the Rosh Yeshivah turned the world upside down to save as many Yidden as he could. Yet what the Rebbetzin took upon herself in expressing her personal pain at the tzaros of Klal Yisrael would never have been known to anyone if her beloved son Rav Shneur hadn’t shared it with an inquisitive yeshivah bochur on a transatlantic flight half a century ago.

Klal Yisrael puts so much focus and emphasis on the middos and maasim tovim of our great gedolim, as they very well should. However, there are lessons just as great to learn from on the other side of the mechitzah as well. May their memories be a blessing to Klal Yisrael.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1088)