The resounding comment that echoed from the many single women who have spoken to me after reading my last column is “Finally someone has validated us.” One girl related feeling lumped into an “alien” society when she arrived happily at a simchah and was told “So nice that you’re here you people don’t often get out.” It is so very tragic is that many singles feel that they are an anomaly in an otherwise normal married world. Every limb or organ of our body has a specific function and the same is true for every member of our nation. One cannot fathom or second-guess the role any person plays in the symmetry of the world.

Let’s look more closely at what is going on in today’s shidduch world and try to understand how we can help to alleviate some of the painful symptoms and side effects of “the shidduch crisis.”

From the moment a girl literally or figuratively “steps off the plane” after her seminary experience the pressure is on! She’s being “seen” and needs to “appear” a certain way. This concept is valid since — along with her tefillos — hishtadlus for a woman does include presenting herself as a favorable marriage candidate in ruchniyus and gashmiyus. However it’s very unfortunate that in our society it seems that the primary maalos that help girls find dates are criteria such as money looks and yichus.

That said based on my experience watching many of my students get married over the years I have learned the following: Girls who possess one or all of the aforementioned “maalos” will have many dates but that is no guarantee at all to getting married. At the same time more than one talmidah has cried to me that she is afraid that “no one will marry me” with her unfortunate list of “chesronos ” yet I’ve watched her be the first one of her friends to get engaged. It is hard to say which challenge is greater: One after another of continuous unsuccessful dates; or months going by with no date at all. What is clear in either scenario is that no one will marry unless it’s the right time as has been determined by Hashem.

Maintaining the proper emunah and perspective in nisyonos makes it imperative for every person to have a reliable rav rebbetzin older friend or mentor in her life to give her hadrachah. The years of living single and the despair that can accompany them may cause some women to fall prey to negative influences. While many of us don’t live in places where hadrachah is readily available it’s always possible to find it when one cares to look.

The dictum of Chazal aseh lecha rav is telling us — we must make it happen! A person can only “acquire” mentors when she has invested both the time and effort in “purchasing” them. Were this to be an easy task it would not be one so very worthwhile. The relationship with that mentor teacher or rebbi is the most valuable pursuit for anyone in any course of life. Balancing proper hishtadlus and maintaining one’s sanity and dignity is a tricky act to accomplish. No one in any situation can rely exclusively on her own intuition to guide her. A clear ticket to a life of emes is to allow others to review and assess what are at times impulsive and emotion-driven decisions.

At the same time singles are not open targets for all those who wish to criticize and “help” them. One cannot just casually self-appoint herself as an advisor if the advice was not requested. “Don’t judge your friend until you have reached her place” is a resounding message for both singles and for those who interact with singles. Singles should keep in mind that most people mean well. Shadchanim and well-meaning friends alike need to be aware of overstepping the boundaries when judging a young woman for being single and deciding that she is at fault.

Before we criticize we must realize how many confusing challenges are being presented to women in shidduchim today. It is a fact that boys have a much larger pool of girls to choose from in dating and their “lists” are often long. One pained bochur shared with me how upset he was that the phone was ringing “off the hook” about him at age twenty-one while for his significantly older single sister it was largely silent.

Most bochurim end up rejecting many a shidduch before ever meeting the girl. I therefore implore my talmidos not to get involved with every name mentioned until it’s clear that the shidduch actually has merit and it appears that the young man will agree to date. Why should a girl expend efforts and hopes into researching a boy who may reject her name offhandedly? Certainly those advocating for girls in shidduchim i.e. relatives and friends should expend efforts in researching possible names for shidduchim. Many wonderful couples are happily married only after much time stress and emotional exertion of which the girl was blissfully unaware .

Two opposing trends also present unique challenges in the world of shidduchim. Very often our girls become educated and successful in their fields and professions. This gives them an air of sophistication and knowledge that can often make the sheltered yeshivah bochur seem provincial. Recently an opposite phenomenon is occurring as well. Girls have many more opportunities to stay connected and “shtark” during their single years. Their remain close to their teachers from seminary and there are many shiurim and chesed opportunities that can even help foster their growth in Yiddishkeit. Boys on the other hand can easily fall spiritually once leaving the koslei hayeshivah and often have no support or hadrachah base outside of it.

I must mention in this context the wonderful kochos of Far Rockaway’s own Rabbi Mordechai Groner and those of others in communities elsewhere who are providing a supportive nonjudgmental learning environment specifically targeting the single (and young married) working boys. The workplace which is usually secular is filled with unbelievable obstacles and without such support it can be a quick road leading into a downward spiritual spiral. The frightening result of this danger is that the older single boys may lack religious clarity while the girls are becoming stronger and more idealistic. Unfortunately this puts pressure on girls to compromise their standards of tzniyus and general mitzvos as an effort to provide what they think “the guys are looking for.”

We cannot accept that the nisayon of staying single must come along with a decrease in religious observance. We know that every nisayon in life comes with the challenge of growing closer to or further from Hashem. He who uses the nisayon to come closer is the one who can make the nisayon his neis — his banner to hold high!

A person I admire who successfully stayed emotionally positive and religiously strong through her many years of singleness battled in all of the aforementioned areas. Despite the inconvenience it often presented she remained an avid shiur attendee and a talmidah to a very wise rav. She consistently rejected higher paying and more prestigious jobs to stay in a frum working environment. To this day she insists that her success was due to her unwillingness to dismiss her life as immaterial. She used each moment to make the most of her talents to help others and took pleasure in the positive she had in life.

To conclude we must believe that the ultimate neis that can happen for everyone is finding that destined mate. We learn (Sotah 2a) that making a match is as hard for Hashem as the splitting of the sea. “Was it really hard for Hashem to split the sea?” asks many a commentator. Rav Moshe Eisemann shlita explains that the real “challenge” of Kriyas Yam Suf was that He needed to conceal this open miracle leaving room for the skeptics to have the free will to deny His hand. That’s why all the bodies of water in the world split at the same moment in time. So too every successful shidduch that takes place is a tremendous miracle that Hashem must endeavor to make look like a natural occurrence. We all know though as we face the nisayon of “the shidduch crisis ” that indeed no neis is hard for Hashem.

It is our tefillah that we all should celebrate together many nissim: the nissim of the chassanim and kallos who will proudly hold up their banners and say Zeh Keili — He was my G-d throughout it all — v’anveihu He brought me to this chuppah today! Let us never cease to glorify Him … through all stages of life.