P arents discover early on in the game that each of their children has a distinct inborn personality. There’s only so much that parents can change; each child takes in only what fits into his internal structure.

“I’ve always been a big reader and I come from a family of big readers. I can’t believe I got a kid who hates to read!”

No matter how much this mom reads to this youngster or teaches him about the value of literacy the child won’t buy it. He was given the brain of a doer someone who enjoys activity and social interaction. He cannot find the treasure his mother sees within the squiggles on a page.

Smattering of Similarities

“I love all my kids of course but between you and me I have to admit that I have a special affinity for Chaim. He’s the male version of me. He looks like me talks like me thinks like me. I think that’s why we’ve always been so close.”

Yes some kids will actually get a strong smattering of our own genes! Just like we choose friends and mates based on similarities — that sense of “I feel like I’ve known you my whole life” — we tend to feel particularly close to the children we most identify with.

On the other hand some of our kids will get a strong smattering of genes that remind us of other relatives — a spouse a parent an in-law a sibling. Depending on who we’re reminded of the resultant feelings can be positive or negative.

“It’s horrible to say but whenever I look at Zevy I see my ex-husband. He looks and acts just like him — it’s a real problem for me. I have no fondness at all for my ex and I’m afraid that my feelings spill over to my son. My whole body tenses up when he’s around.”

Who Is This Person?

Genes aren’t the only factor that differentiate us from our children. Our children have complex personalities and free will.

“I was always a ‘good girl.’ I never got into to trouble and I aimed to please. My daughter Faygie is always being sent out of class she picks fights during recess the teacher has plenty of negative feedback at PTA. This child makes me cringe. I feel as if I’m the one who’s misbehaving when other adults speak to me about her behavior. I just want to crawl into a hole.”

A “well-behaved” parent with an unruly child often has trouble both identifying with and coping with the disparity in personalities. The child threatens the parent’s self-esteem and personal values. And as the child grows older the possibility and intensity of personality clashes also increase.

“I was very focused on teaching my children about honesty and integrity. This is one of my core values. When my son was arrested for his role in an illegal business I couldn’t understand how that could happen. I felt shame anger hurt fear but most of all confusion. After everything we had taught him at home how was it even possible that he could be dishonest?”

Beyond Betrayal

The shock and confusion parents feel when their children betray their most sacred values is enormous. How can one’s precious child commit fraud or go off the derech or abuse his wife? How can one’s innocent youngster fall so far away from the parental tree?

“I decided not to go to work because I felt that my children deserved my full attention. I devoted myself to them completely. When my daughter decided to go to medical school leaving her infants with babysitters and working long hours and night shifts I just couldn’t understand it. How could she choose a path that’s so different from my own?”

Our children are worlds unto themselves. They come fully loaded with their own genes and their own destinies their own missions and their own free will. Parents are separate people who raise their children teaching nurturing guiding and supporting them. They do not own their children and they certainly cannot control them. Our children are on their own journeys and yes they may choose to take a road we do not travel — but we can accompany them with our prayers. (Originally featured in Family First Issue 572)