How to radically reverse a stressful atmosphere

Big families, lots of noise, plenty of action. Crying, talking, laughing, screaming, all at once. Everyone needs something right now. Hurry, fast, do it, stop it, gotta go — this minute. Phone ringing, horn honking, body shaking from the rush. Off to school and off to work, the day has just begun.

Family life is full of deadlines. Getting out the door in the morning, attending programs in the evening, getting to bed on time, lighting candles, leaving for shul — deadlines are a constant.

Deadlines create a sense of pressure: pack those lunches, clear the table, return those calls and make some new ones.

Many people feel overwhelmed on a good day but when the body is sleep-deprived, headachey, or otherwise distressed, “overwhelmed” is an understatement. Stressed-out parents sound and look the part, generating more stress for themselves and the household.

From Outside In

“I once had a cleaning lady who worked for my friend Devorah and me. After a few weeks, she quit working for me but continued working for Devorah. I asked my friend to see if she could find out why the woman had left me. Devorah did her research and told me, as kindly as she could, that the woman confessed she was unnerved by the way I constantly shouted at everyone. She didn’t like the atmosphere in my home.

“I was shocked! I’d never thought of myself as a yeller — I was just telling the kids what to do. I guess you could say I was barking orders, but not worse than anyone else — or so I thought. After that, I made a conscious effort to ask everything in a quieter, nicer voice. I feel better speaking this way. And I’m sure my family feels better too.”

Deadlines and tasks can make a parent feel like she’s encountering mini-emergencies throughout the day. Adrenaline surges through her system, tightening her facial expression and vocal cords, raising the volume and pitch of her voice, making her movements rapid.

But it doesn’t need to be this way. By becoming aware of her facial expression, tone of voice, and body movements, the parent can reset her body language and the atmosphere at home.

Barking and Biting

“I learned a tip in a parenting course I was taking: ‘Remember to smile when giving instructions to family members.’ I realized this is something I wasn’t doing, so I forced myself to try it. I was astounded at what happened. Not only did I feel more relaxed and upbeat, but I got more cooperation from everyone as well.”

Although it’s true that there’s a lot to be done in a day, actual emergencies are few and far between. Mostly, parents are dealing with the mundane tasks of life and the physical care of the household. It doesn’t speed people up to snap or snarl at them; it probably slows them down, since resistance is more likely than compliance when negativity is in the air.

Smile There!

Smiling sends an “all’s well” message to the brain, causing a release of beneficial chemicals that change and improve the functioning of the body and mind. Everything relaxes into healthy, emotional well-being and enhanced cognitive functioning. It becomes easier to see the big picture while solving the small problems. The improvement in our aura is radiated outward to those with whom we interact, gently nudging them toward improved functioning as well. Smiling facilitates successful outcomes.

Smiling often, especially when issuing instructions, and using a pleasant, even tone of voice, are habits anyone can learn. Often people have picked up habits of frowning and shouting from their own parents and haven’t paid much attention to the way they interact with family members.

People tend to monitor the way they come across to others in the workplace or on the street, but frequently put down their guard on the home front. They relax into their natural state of tension. This serves neither them nor their loved ones. The body reads our body language, producing more stress chemistry when we act stressed.

Even if we are stressed, moving slowly, speaking quietly, and softening our facial expression triggers the parasympathetic nervous system, helping us become calmer and more relaxed. In that state we’re easier to like and be loved and listened to — and that’s definitely something to smile about!

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 622)