The hishtadlus never seems to end. Can’t I say, “I’ve tried this all before, now I want to wait for Hashem to send me the right one?”

Facilitated by Faigy Peritzman

Q:

As an older single I find I’m always trying to find the balance between hishtadlus and bitachon. Here we are at Tu B’Av and countless well-meaning friends are sending me links to this tzedakah, and that tefillah at a kever, etc. Plus, Tu B’Av always makes me feel pressure to start another round of reaching out to shadchanim when I know I’ve spoken to each one last year and the year before. The hishtadlus never seems to end. Can’t I say, “I’ve tried this all before, now I want to wait for Hashem to send me the right one?”

The Role of Hishtadlus

Elisheva Kaminetsky

R

av Wolbe writes in Alei Shor that anyone who thinks that bitachon’s easy has never needed to work on his bitachon; he’s been living his life on cruise control and mistakenly considers this brachah as bitachon. The reality is that it’s only once bitachon’s tested that we can work on questions such as yours.

The dating period, however long it lasts, can be the first test for some grappling with the dialectic of bitachon and hishtadlus. But there’ll definitely be other opportunities in life that will need your understanding of this balance: What is the role of hishtadlus if we’re meant to trust in Hashem?

Your question echoes what many of us feel. Hishtadlus never seems to end. It can be exhausting and even feel futile since we believe, bottom line, it’s all in Hashem’s Hands.

What’s essential is to realize that hishtadlus isn’t the opposite of bitachon. The proper perspective on hishtadlus is that it’s a vehicle to furthering our bitachon.

In Sichos Mussar, Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz points out that anybody involved in hishtadlus sees clearly on a daily basis how unreliable it actually is. You put a lot of effort into a certain shadchan, etc., only to find your shidduch from the most unexpected sources.

When people truly engage in hishtadlus with a perspective of looking for Hashem in all of their efforts, they realize that Hashem is ultimately taking care of them, perhaps even despite their efforts. Therefore, it’s important to understand that the role of hishtadlus is ultimately to see Yad Hashem. It wasn’t because you found the right shadchan who had the right connections that you found your zivug.  You found the right shadchan who is the right shaliach of Hashem. When you say, “I’ve tried this all and now I want to sit back and let Hashem,” you need to realize that life isn’t about sitting back and waiting. It’s about deepening and investing in our relationship with Hashem through both hishtadlus and bitachon.

Because proper hishtadlus helps us recognize that everything comes from Hashem.

Elisheva Kaminetsky is a wife, parent, grandparent, principal, adult educator, consultant, and kallah teacher.

Hold Out Your Container

Ruchi Koval

I

see you. I feel your pain. Although I haven’t experienced your nisayon, I’ve been in other nisyonos in which I found myself faced with the exact same two challenges you describe: How do I balance effort with bitachon? And how do I deal with “well-meaning” friends and relatives who seem to make me continually question the precarious balance I’ve already struck?

Here’s number one: The best explanation for this that I have heard is from Rabbi Shais Taub speaking about Shaar Habitachon. He says that really, Hashem could shower down brachah for us from anywhere and no human effort is necessary. However, we don’t live in a world of open miracles, so we have to make our effort just for the purpose of making Hashem’s brachah seem natural. It’s like Hashem is sending down the rain, but we need to hold out a container to catch it. So our efforts are the container we hold out to catch Hashem’s blessings. Do it too much, and it looks like you don’t realize that it’s all from Hashem. Do it too little, and you’re asking Hashem to perform an open miracle.

When my daughter was dating, I decided that every week I’d spend one day making five reach-outs to friends or shadchanim, or to follow up on any leads. This felt like the right amount of effort. As I engaged in these efforts, I reminded myself and Hashem that I knew His blessings could come from anywhere, and that I was just holding out my container.

As it turns out, her soulmate didn’t come from any of those reach-outs. Hashem was showing me that He was driving the boat.

Here’s number two: As far as well-meaning friends and relatives... tune them out. Seriously, tune them out. Finding your own balance is hard enough. Give them the benefit of the doubt that they just don’t get it, smile and thank them for caring, and then do exactly what you know you need to do for you.

Ruchi Koval is a parent coach, author, kiruv rebbetzin, and public speaker who helps parents struggling with their teens and adult children.

A Delicate Dance

Shevi Samet

T

he balance between emunah and bitachon and hishtadlus to facilitate outcome is a delicate and nuanced topic. There’s no universal algorithm and each person must determine what that balance is for them, a challenge compounded by the fact that it requires intense reflection and honesty, and that it’s a nonlinear moving target as we change, and hopefully grow, throughout our lives.

As frustrating as that can be and as much as we may wish for a formula that we can easily follow, the fact that there is none is part of the Divine design and it remains a profound opportunity for deepening our relationship with Hashem.

Rav Dessler, in his maamar on bitachon and hishtadlus, articulates an important point to bear in mind when navigating this delicate dance. If a person does too much hishtadlus, he may come to kefirah, and if he doesn’t do the required hishtadlus, he may also come to kefirah. If or when our hishtadlus doesn’t bear fruit the way we want, resentment toward Hashem can build that He isn’t “signing off” on our plans. If we minimize our hishtadlus and act more reliant on Hashem, we may become angry at Hashem when our attempts at loftiness don’t bear fruit.

Where a person stands on the bitachon-hishtadlus spectrum is unique to him and interdependent with his bechirah, since there’s no exact ratio of bitachon and hishtadlus.

Certainly, any hishtadlus or deepening of bitachon must be predicated on the goal of building our relationship with HaKadosh Baruch Hu, not on getting what we want or what we believe is best for us. Knowing which way to invest — more hishtadlus or more emunah or bitachon — is something we must grapple with, but the end game is the same: deeper connection with Hashem.

To your question of whether you can say that you’ve done enough, the question isn’t if you can it’s whether you should. Only you’re equipped to determine that, last year, tomorrow, and next week.

Shevi Samet is a wife and mother, educator, kallah teacher, and Core MMC.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 955)