Rebbetzin Kamenetsky is a unique portrait of bein adam laMakom and bein adam l’chaveiro uniting in harmony. Here are her words, her wisdom, and the loving testimony of her distinguished children

“My mother is from a previous generation.” As I sit talking to Rebbetzin Kamenetsky, I intuit the truth of her son’s words. The Rebbetzin is generous with her time and yet refuses to talk of herself or her life — only of that which will help people, give them chizuk, and give HaKadosh Baruch Hu nachas. After all, that is the raison d’être of her life. And she has much to share. 

“Her Ruchniyus Matters”

The woman is the akeres habayis. Her ruchniyus infuses the children and the home — it’s vital that she takes time to learn. When I was growing up, my parents lived in Boro Park; they moved to Williamsburg so that I could learn in the Bais Yaakov there — that’s how important it was for them that I grow in my ruchniyus and receive a proper education.

Even when women are married, they must keep up their learning — a learning group or a chavrusa are ideal. The sefer I recommend is Positive Word Power (ArtScroll/Mesorah Publications), based on Rabbi Zelig Pliskin’s book The Power of Words. It deals with the halachos of onaas devarim (hurting people through words), and I believe that if we knew the halachos, the whole world would be different. Baruch Hashem, we’ve reached a stage in which children know about shmiras halashon. They learn it from when they’re young and, yes, though sometimes it’s a struggle, it becomes second nature. If we learned at a young age about the impact of our words, and how we must be sensitive to other people’s feelings, this, too, would become second nature.

The Family Speaks:

— My mother is a firm believer that all women should be educated. She was home with us when we were younger, but when we were older, she started teaching in the high school. She gives shiurim — I grew up with women coming to the house all the time. There was no kiruv in those days. Still, my mother taught, and women were thirsty and kept coming back for more.

— My mother-in-law constantly quotes the Pele Yoetz and the Rambam. She loves grammar, and when we sit at the Shabbos table, she’s always asking, “So why is the pasuk phrased this way?” She always has a dvar Torah on her fingertips. 

“Every Child of Hashem”

I recently spent Shabbos at a camp in Moscow. Unbelievably, these campers are second-generation — their mothers attended camp, too! That is so encouraging — and we need encouragement, because there are so many people we need to help, that the task before us, of reaching out to every Jew, can become overwhelming.

When I was in school, Rebbetzin Wachtfogel a”h taught me Yirmiyahu, and I’ll never forget one of the lessons she gave. Yirmiyahu lived through the destruction of the Beis HaMikdash. He was given terrible prophecies to convey to the people, and yet he was unable to bring the Jews to teshuvah. If Hashem knew that Yirmiyahu would not be successful, why did He give him this heartbreaking nevuah? 

If you want to know the agony that Yirmiyahu went through, just imagine a mother standing by a swimming pool. Her son is flailing in the water, going under. She is unable to save him. That was the pain Yirmiyahu experienced, again and again. But he was told, “If you save one, it’s worth the nevuah.”

These words should encourage all of us. Every child of Hashem is so precious. If we save just one, it’s all worth it.

The Family Speaks:

— My mother-in-law came back from Russia a few weeks ago and she talked so much about how thirsty the Jews there are, how keen they are to learn and grow. The beauty of the Jewish soul! We are so proud to be Jewish when we see how much people care for their Yiddishkeit, though it has been denied them for decades. 

“It’s a Wondrous Body”

Hashem gave us a wondrous body. Just think about it for a moment — when you get a scratch, your body heals itself. Hashem has given the body this amazing ability. Unfortunately, we compromise this ability through eating unhealthy and processed foods. 

Time is at a premium — so many women work, and running a household, caring for children is demanding. It’s hard to stay on top of the latest developments in nutrition, and it’s hard to invest the time in cooking healthfully. But it’s so important. 

We all know how detrimental sugar can be to our health, our concentration, and our minds. Yet take a look at the breakfast cereals we buy — what’s the second ingredient? Sugar! Breakfast — pas shacharis — is one of the most important ways to start the day right. The food we eat should nourish us our bodies. Our physical and spiritual elements are bound together — one informs the other. When we eat right, we can function optimally as Jews.

The Family Speaks:

— Around 50 years ago, my father was involved in an accident. A neighbor came over and told my mother that vitamins and certain foods would be beneficial to his recovery. My mother has a very inquiring mind, and she immediately started learning about the effects that different vitamins and nutrients have on the human body. It’s the home for our soul, she always says, so we must be careful to care for it properly.

“I Always Loved the Kol Torah”

People ask, “What does it feel like to be married to a rosh yeshivah and a gadol?” I don’t feel different from anyone else. It’s interesting though, we say in Ashrei, “Posei’ach es yadecha u’masbia l’chol chai ratzon.” Hashem is our loving Father, and every father wants to see his children happy. Hashem gives you want so that you enjoy! I always loved hearing bochurim learning, the kol Torah. So my loving Father gave that to me — I get to hear Torah all the time.

The Family Speaks:

— As a child, I didn’t have a rosh yeshivah for a father. I had parents. My father and mother would come with us on trips, listen to us; my father served us breakfast in the morning so my mother could stay in bed for a few more minutes, he would discipline us. There was none of the distance that might have come along with his position. We were like any other normal family, with loving, involved parents.

And my parents received the same upbringing from their parents. Every Tuesday, Reb Yaakov sat down and wrote a letter to each of his children. The worries of Klal Yisrael rested on his shoulders, but he spent time corresponding with his children. That’s the kind of love and priority of family that he had and lived. 

“Who Is Your Rav?”

When I learned Pirkei Avos and read the words “Asei lecha rav,” I always thought it was a nice suggestion. And then I saw the problems that come to our door. The first question my husband asks is, “Who is your rav?” And nine times out of ten, the man or couple does not have a rav. A woman, too, should have a rebbetzin whom she can speak to, discuss her life with. It’s a command, not a suggestion.

The Family Speaks:

— Most of us have certain figures in our lives whom we respect, whom we learn from. My mother-in-law learns from anybody and everybody. No one is beneath her — although they may know little about Torah, she will drink in their knowledge about their own field of expertise. She loves to hear about what my kids are learning, and when she hears something interesting about nature, she’ll exclaim, “Remarkable! Isn’t Hashem’s world remarkable.”

“Yidden are Holy, Sweet”

When we were children, we never discussed tzniyus. It was a nonissue. Girls who wore short sleeves then are today prominent rebbetzins. Now it’s become such a big issue. In truth, the essence of tzniyus is behaving with the dignity befitting a bas melech. While our royal status defines the clothes we wear, it can’t stop there. We have been given a code of behavior — the Torah — that teaches us how a royal family must behave. And the Torah teaches the halachos of bein adam l’chaveiro — to treat our fellow Jews with sensitivity and dignity. When we accord others respect, they will live up to their endless potential. Yidden are holy, sweet. We have to see the sweetness in every Jew.

The Family Speaks:

— My mother-in-law is the most positive person I know, and she has cultivated the trait of looking for the best in people. If she hears something bad, she’ll immediately look for excuses and reasons why the person might not have behaved as she should. She speaks to hundreds of women, yet I have never heard her say a bad thing about anyone, and if she was dealing with a difficult personality, she’ll say, “I had the opportunity to give to someone and encourage them.” 

— Bein adam l’chaveiro was a big emphasis in our family. We were taught to be careful not to hurt someone else. My mother’s parents, Chazzan and Mrs. Brooks, were enormous givers. When Rav Yaakov, my father’s father, moved from Toronto in 1945 to become rosh yeshivah of Torah Vodaath, Chazzan Brooks gave him his home. When my grandfather had money, he gave everything away, so much so that he died a poor man. At his passing, Rav Yaakov eulogized that he was a man who did not know the tzuras hamatbei’a — it was as if he didn’t know what money looked like. Money was for giving away, for helping a fellow Yid. 

— My grandfather, Rav Yaakov, made a point of giving every granddaughter a bas mitzvah present, a piece of jewelry. He treated each grandchild with love and care. There was no distinction between a grandson and a granddaughter. There was also no difference between a daughter and a daughter-in-law. Those who married into the family were also his children. 

— When my father was a maggid shiur in the yeshivah in Los Angeles, my mother stayed on the East Coast. She had her second child, my older brother, without him. And my grandfather, Rav Yaakov, escorted her to the hospital.

“Full of Love and Respect”

Just think about how much a frum lifestyle is geared to the children. Shabbos, Pesach, Yamim Tovim — there’s so much there for them. 

Mothers today are afraid to discipline. We don’t need to be so scared. If the home is full of love and respect, infused with a love of Yiddishkeit, with security, and simchas hachayim, then the kids will be okay even if we make them feel bad sometimes.

The Family Speaks:

— My mother instilled so many lessons in us, just by who she was. She had a Chazal for everything. One time, I was walking in the street with my brother when a non-Jew threatened us with a knife. We ran home, terrified. After my mother comforted us, she said, “Hakol kol Yaakov v’hayadayim yedei Eisav — the voice is the voice of Yaakov and the hands are the hands of Eisav. When they use their hands, you have to use your voice — yell!” Even this simple lesson on personal safety she illustrated with a Chazal.

My mother used to sew clothing for us and I remember one dress she sewed for my younger sister. It was a little old-fashioned, and I confronted her — “Why didn’t you sew something nicer?” I’ll never forget her answer: “I don’t want you to think that clothing is so important in life.”

There was so much chesed in our home. We lived in a three-story home, and the family slept on the second floor — four boys in one bedroom! That freed up the third floor for guests. One old man, a bachelor, stayed every single Shabbos. My mother had barely any help around the house, and in Philadelphia there was very little in the way of conveniences. But all she did was done b’simchah.

— My mother-in-law taught the children to take responsibility for their behavior. If someone deserved a punishment, excuses and justifications would not vindicate them. It didn’t matter if they had been provoked, or were angry or upset. They had to learn to control themselves and take responsibility for their behavior. And everyone was given a chore to do, to teach them responsibility.

When the boys fought, she’d tell them, “The two of you, you need to go learn Nefesh HaChaim.” And they went to the beis medrash, took down the sefer, and learned. Thirty years later, all the siblings are unusually close.

— There’s a famous story about Reb Yaakov. A man came to ask his advice, and his young child climbed up on the Shabbos table and started dancing. Embarrassed, the man gave his son a potch. Reb Yaakov told the man that we don’t discipline for behaviors that a child will naturally outgrow. There was the same feel in my parents’ home.

The chinuch my mother received from her parents was extraordinary — just consider the fact that in those pre-kollel/post-Depression days my mother wanted to marry a poor yeshivah bochur! It was a feat of my grandparents’ chinuch and of the ahavas Torah and learning that she imbibed in the Bais Yaakov she attended.

In a way, our childhood echoed my mother’s. True, she was in New York, but it wasn’t New York of today. And we grew up in Philadelphia. My mother tongue is Yiddish — that was the language we spoke at home. And in that choice of language was a clear message: true, we may not live in or be surrounded by a Torah center, but our very home will become that Torah center. 

“Marriage Has Clear Goals”

The basis of shalom bayis is respect and middos tovos. I had a woman come to me telling me that it’s okay to argue in front of the children. After all, she said, that way they see communication skills. They see parents modeling how to apologize. Well, that’s terrible. Children should never see their parents arguing. 

We have clear goals in marriage — to serve Hashem and bring up children who will be ovdei Hashem. I think that because so many marriages are rocky, we rely much more on the schools — which brings its own pressures and problems.

Problems of shalom bayis are also part of Chevlei Mashiach. That and the shidduch crisis. So many singles! And when a girl is not married, it’s a terrible tzaar. Everyone hurts — she does, her family does … it affects everyone. We must daven to Hashem for help.

The Family Speaks

— My mother-in-law is from a Poilishe background, and she spoke Poilishe Yiddish. Today, she speaks an impeccable Litvishe Yiddish. She bent herself to learn to speak the way my father-in-law speaks. When I came into the family, I saw the way she dealt with the children, her calm and respectful demeanor. I said, “I have to learn from you, to imitate the atmosphere in your home.”

“No,” she replied. “It doesn’t come from me, it’s my husband.”

Her father was a chazzan, and my mother-in-law is very musically inclined. She’s always singing. It gives the home such a warm feeling.

— My grandfather, Reb Yaakov, was once asked who should escort the chassan to the chuppah — should he be flanked by his father and father-in-law, or by his parents? Reb Yaakov replied, “My minhag is to do whatever my mechutan wants.” What better lesson to convey to a new couple as they approach the chuppah? Sensitivity toward others: that really epitomizes my grandfather and my parents.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 310)