One of the inspiring aspects of the Torah world is the frequency with which individuals turn their own experience of tragedy and pain into a means of preventing others from experiencing the same pain. The classic example is genetics testing organization Dor Yesharim. After Rabbi Yosef Eckstein and his wife lost four out of their first five children to a dreaded genetic disease he resolved to do something to ensure that no other Jewish family would ever suffer what they had. And he succeeded. Today through the genetic testing for carriers of Tay-Sachs instituted by Dor Yesharim Tay-Sachs has been virtually eliminated from the Torah community.

The first deaf education for Orthodox kids came about when a little boy started crying at the Seder table “I’m not a rasha. I’m not a rasha.” The Haggadah he was using portrayed the evil son as not wearing a yarmulke and at that time the only deaf education then available was in public schools that did not permit wearing a yarmulke. That boy’s parents Yosef and Ruth Ebstein decided that they had no choice but to start a Torah school the Hebrew Institute for the Deaf for their two deaf sons and others like them.

Rabbi Moshe Schlesinger is another example of someone who used his personal travails for the benefit of Klal Yisrael. He and his wife Goldie were married for over 25 years without children before being blessed with twins — a son and a daughter. Long before he and his wife had yet become parents Rabbi Schlesinger began counseling other couples with respect to the complicated medical emotional and halachic issues faced by couples experiencing fertility problems.

He had felt acutely the lack of such guidance and wanted to spare other couples the same feelings of loneliness and doubt. By that time Rabbi Schlesinger a graduate of Ponevezh Yeshiva and subsequently a close talmid of the Brisker Rav’s son Rav Yosef Ber Soloveitchik had accumulated considerable halachic and medical knowledge of the issues connected to fertility problems.

Over the past quarter-century Rabbi Schlesinger has counseled between 25000 and 30000 couples who experience difficulties having children. When his twins were born 18 years ago Rabbi Schlesinger told a rosh yeshivah who called him to wish him mazel tov “Baruch Hashem now I can return to being a rosh yeshivah [of yeshivah ketanah Ma’alei Simcha].” The Rosh Yeshiva told him otherwise “There are enough yeshivos. You have a unique shlichus (mission) from HaKadosh Baruch Hu.”

“ONE WHO HASN’T EXPERIENCED INFERTILITY cannot possibly comprehend the pain the pressures the tension involved” Rabbi Schlesinger told me as we sat in the study of his Mattersdorf apartment on a recent Motzaei Shabbos. A couple experiencing infertility problems need someone to speak to them who can act as a father figure he explains but the last person in the world who should perform that task is the actual father or mother. Parents too often only add to the pressure that the couple is experiencing. (One night a week Rabbi Schlesinger meets with parents of couples who have not yet had children to help guide them on how to be supportive without inadvertently making matters worse.)

The couples who come for counseling need warmth and support Rabbi Schlesinger stresses but they also need someone who has enough emotional distance to properly direct them. His statement reminds me of something that Rav Yaakov Kaminetsky once said about his own ability to give people a good eitzah: “I let others’ tzaros penetrate but only a quarter of an inch. Otherwise I couldn’t give a good eitzah.”

Knowing that Rabbi Schlesinger has also experienced what they are going through assures couples of the empathy they seek. But they also require the best possible advice and guidance. Rabbi Schlesinger has been called the Rabbi Elimelech Firer of infertility — i.e. a layman who has thrown himself into studying the subject in depth and who keeps abreast of every recent development in the field. Besides his rosh yeshivah’s black frock he also wears a green gown.

He is a member of the American European and Israeli fertility societies and travels abroad three times a year for conferences to remain informed of the latest developments in the field. There are constant advances in the treatment of infertility. One area of advance concerns the preservation of fertility in women undergoing chemotherapy or who have still not found their ben zug. Another developing area deals with male infertility where those who would have been told just a few years ago that they could not father a child are now able to do so. Rabbi Schlesinger is the halachic advisor to an Israeli laboratory that is a world leader in the field in addition to serving as an advisor to the Maccabee Health Fund. (In his lectures to kallah and chassan teachers rabbonim and morei hora’a Rabbi Schlesinger always points out that the principal problem in about 40 perecnt of the cases of infertility lies with the male.)

The doctors with whom Rabbi Schlesinger works often rely upon him to explain to the couple at length the purpose of each test and procedure. His busiest times he notes wryly are Erev Shabbos and Erev Chag when doctors are not available and a couple might need to understand a particular test result immediately or risk losing another month. He remains in contact with the couples he counsels at every stage of the process oftentimes reviewing test results sent to him by fax in order to explain their significance.

About 30 percent of the couples who consult with Rabbi Schlesinger are not shomrei mitzvos. They learn about him from various forums for those dealing with fertility issues. When it comes to fertility even those who are not strictly observant often become acutely conscious that “the key to life” is with Hashem and they want to be very careful to do everything scrupulously according to halachah.

One such woman called Rabbi Schlesinger and asked him whether a certain invasive procedure could be performed on Shabbos. Her doctors had told her it was the only chance of success. Rabbi Schlesinger asked her to send him all her test results. After reviewing them he told her that her doctors must have made a mistake — the procedure should be completed on Friday — Shabbos would have already been too late. She went back to her doctor who confirmed Rabbi Schlesinger’s guidance.

It is Rabbi Schlesinger’s combination of halachic expertise — he consulted frequently with Rav Elyashiv ztz”l for decades — and broad medical knowledge that makes him a unique address. He tells me that in 95 percent of the cases there is no tension between the medical guidance and halachah and in the other 5 percent of cases solutions can almost always be found.

But he gives me an example of how it makes a difference to consult with a rav. Often a couple will call to ask a question in the form of “Is IVF [in vitro fertilization] mutar?” In such a case he might answer “It’s assur except if you fall into one of the categories for which it is mutar l’chatchilah.” The point is that it’s halachically wrong from a medical point of view to rush into the most expensive and invasive procedure without having tried other forms of treatment first.

At the end of our two-hour conversation I asked Rabbi Schlesinger why he wanted to speak to me especially since the Pri Chaim organization he runs does not solicit funds. Volunteers who have themselves experienced fertility problems run call centers and other programs in 26 cities across Israel. Besides his daily consultations in Jerusalem Rabbi Schlesinger receives couples once a week in Bnei Brak and once every three weeks in one of the other cities.

It’s very simple he explains: He wants to make sure that any couple who needs his counsel knows that he is available and waiting for them.

Pri Chaim can be reached at 011-972-2-500-1501 or 500-4161. 

How the Ball Bounces

Atlanta Falcons’ tight end Tony Gonzalez retired after last Sunday’s game against the San Francisco 49ers at Candlestick Park. Though he is widely considered to be the best tight end in NFL history I would guess his retirement was not on the radar screen of many Mishpacha readers. There was however a storyline connected to that final game that holds a lesson for all of us.

Thirteen years ago in another game at Candlestick Park Gonzalez was tackled out of bounds and sent crashing toward photographer Mickey Pfleger. Pfleger’s desperate attempts to get out of the way of the 240-pound Gonzalez were to no avail. The latter flattened the much smaller cameraman knocking him unconscious.

Gonzalez was blameless but nonetheless felt terrible about what had happened. Three days later however he received an update. Pfleger had gone into a seizure after being hit. As a consequence the 49ers’ team physician had ordered the paramedics to tell the emergency room staff to perform an MRI. That MRI revealed an asymptomatic brain tumor that would almost certainly have claimed Pfleger’s life.

Over the next decade Gonzalez and Pfleger ran into one another a couple of times exchanging hugs when they did. And Pfleger never failed to mention how he was supposed to be leveled by Gonzalez and was supposed to go into a seizure on the sidelines though no one could have seen G-d’s plan at the time.

Department of
Corrections

My oldest son who did not have the advantage of his father’s math training pointed out that my piece last week on South African Chief Rabbi Warren Goldstein contained an elementary arithmetic error that diminished the point I was making. The 75000-member South African Jewish community is at most .14 percent of the total population not 1.4 percent as I wrote. That makes Rabbi Goldstein’s choice to be the opening speaker at Nelson Mandela’s funeral even more remarkable.
Second correction: The e-mail address given at the end of my column on Rabbi Aharon Bezalel’s Achdut Yisrael cheder “Keeping the Lights Burning ” was incorrect. It should have been jonathanbrosenblum@gmail.com. I’m overwhelmed by the generosity of the large number of readers who managed to find me nevertheless.