Can perfectionism be healthy?

Q:

There seems to be an emphasis on “perfectionism” in the frum world. I’m wondering if this is based on the Torah idea of self-improvement or is a reflection of the industrialization of the self-help movement and the Western world’s emphasis on looking and being perfect under the guise of becoming “your best self.” When people talk about “perfecting one’s middos,” is this a healthy, realistic concept or does it promote perfectionism and even obsessiveness? We tell all our boys they can be the next gadol. But if they aren’t — then what? Our girls feel they must be ultra-skinny in order to avoid being seen as absolutely obese. Are we setting up ourselves and our children for lives of stress and self-loathing? I would love to hear your thoughts.

A:

It’s true that attitudes in the secular world are fueling a multibillion-dollar industry focused on self-improvement. And constant exposure to the illusion of perfectionism on social media has caused people to feel enormous pressure to improve their appearance, develop better careers, become wealthier, and be more physically fit. Members of our own community may not always get their drive for such things from social media, but they certainly get it from Jewish media, as well as from their friends, family, neighbors, and communities.

Our quest for perfection isn’t limited to the material realm. We also want to be known as the one who is the most learned, most popular, most spiritually evolved, most giving, most outstanding human being! In fact, when it comes to personal development, the Torah itself supports and encourages the spirit of competition, noting that jealousy is considered permitted, even constructive and beneficial, when it leads a person to emulate or exceed another person in Torah knowledge, good deeds, or good middos. So we might say that there is a “kosher” form of perfectionism!

But the average person is average. While he or she probably shines in some area, regular human beings are not anywhere near perfect, and those who are exceptional in some way are simply that — exceptional — not the norm. This fact can lead many strivers to become discouraged and despairing, even depressed, when it becomes obvious that they will not attain their unrealistic personal goals. This is your precise concern: that imposing unrealistic standards and goals may have harmful effects on our children.

This phenomenon has also been noted in the secular world, where a counter movement away from perfectionism and toward self-acceptance has developed in recent years. Self-acceptance involves a realistic assessment of one’s strengths and weaknesses. It allows people to grow and improve relative to themselves rather than relative to others.

For instance, if Miri has a habit of being late, she can work on this trait. If she used to routinely show up half an hour or even an hour late, and now manages to arrive within ten or 15 minutes of the scheduled time, she can feel really good about her growth in this area. It is, after all, really good for her.

Her friend, who was always five or ten minutes late, has to arrive exactly on time or even five or ten minutes early to enjoy the same feelings of accomplishment. Both women are working on self-improvement, but each according to her own particular starting point. Does Miri have to continue to work on her time management until she, too, is always right on time or even early? Does she have to be “perfect”?

It really depends on what else she is working on. Let’s say that Miri has ADHD and lateness has been one of the symptoms of her condition. She’s clearly made progress. But let’s say she’s also been grappling with finishing tasks and controlling her temper. Maybe she’ll choose to work on one of these other weak points now and just be satisfied with her reduced lateness for the moment, rather than continuing to push for “perfect” in that one realm. If she can accept her progress happily without needing to achieve perfection, she frees herself up to make more progress in more areas.

If she will never be happy with herself until she achieves perfection in every realm, she’s only likely to end up feeling like a “perfect” failure! In other words, we do need to strive for improvement all throughout our lives. However, it’s important to possess self-acceptance and self-compassion, too, to have the strength and joy required to continue to work on ourselves. Our standard need not be perfection. Rather, it should be forward movement — from our own starting to as high as we (as individuals) can go.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 948)