What makes a good parent? Apparently there are currently about 40 000 parenting books on the market that attempt to answer this question. However the Torah lens helps us to sort through them rather quickly. We have some definitive answers about how to establish the correct relationship with children (i.e. the laws of honoring parents) how to communicate properly (i.e. the laws of speech) what to model for our children (as detailed throughout the Torah and its commentaries) and even how to discipline (i.e. from the wisdom of our proverbs numerous Torah sources and our Sages). Interestingly recent research on healthy parenting strategies very much confirms the Torah approach to child rearing (no surprise there!).

For example a study presented by Epstein and Fox at the American Psychological Association this past summer isolated ten main parenting competencies. These competencies produce particularly good outcomes such as better relationships between children and parents and happier healthier and better functioning children. Although there are many things apart from the actions of parents that affect the development of human beings (including genes and other environmental factors) it is a given that parents will want to maximize the positive effect of their own actions on the development of their children. Let’s look at the Parent’s Top Ten skills and see how we measure up.

The Top Ten

The following list is presented in order of most important to least important in terms of predicting the positive outcomes:

1. The ability to show love and affection Making children feel loved is a result of using words and actions that feel good to them. Parents can show love by giving positive feedback cuddles words of affection and other “warm fuzzies” while simultaneously reducing criticism and punishment.
2. The ability to manage one’s personal stress This skill is second to love and affection in its power to influence healthy happy development. It refers to each parent’s independent ability to stay calm while raising children. It involves a number of self-care and stress-management practices such as prayer regular exercise a healthy diet downtime therapy when necessary and so forth. It also refers to any individualized intervention that will reduce stress such as acquiring organizational skills taking remedies or medications for stress learning anger-management or time-management techniques or taking parenting or marriage courses. When a parent does whatever is necessary for him or her to stay centered calm and positive the kids turn out better.
3. Marriage skills When parents live in harmony together their kids do better. Happily married parents model healthy relationship skills. Parents can always improve their marriage by taking marriage courses and/or going for marital counseling.
4. Encouraging autonomy and independence This skill involves the ability to step out of the child’s way to allow him or her to become self-sufficient and self-reliant. It means letting the child make mistakes in order to learn. It means being careful to avoid overprotection and controlling or smothering behaviors.
5. Encouraging lifelong learning Modeling and teaching respect for learning fosters healthy development. (This value is heavily integrated in the Torah mentality.)
6. Modeling life skills Children prosper when their parents are functional. Your own ability to independently carry out your responsibilities as a man or a woman provide for your family run your home meet the needs of your children fulfill your role in your community and otherwise be a responsible adult correlates with your child’s wellbeing.
7. Effective use of positive reinforcement Using various positive techniques to encourage desirable behavior and strictly limiting the use of punishment fosters healthier development. As you can see this is Number 7 in terms of its power to affect development. The personal behavior of the parents has a stronger effect!
8. Modeling a healthy lifestyle Children are positively affected by parents who eat well sleep well exercise moderately and engage in other good self-care habits.
9. Living a religious and spiritual life Teaching children mitzvos and guiding them in a relationship with Hashem is a parental obligation. However it is interesting to note that doing so can help kids become mentally and emotionally healthier. Nonetheless as we can see from the Number 9 power rating of this parenting skill offering religious education to children is not sufficient for their optimum development. Children must also directly experience Yiddishkeit through the positive model and communication of their parents. Note that many of the aforementioned parenting skills are actually tenets of proper Jewish practice.

10.  Pursue safety Protecting children is good for their development. This parenting behavior involves taking appropriate precautions following the law and observing safe practices in and out of the house. As a Number 10 factor in producing healthy children concern for safety is definitely important. However it is the least important of the Top Ten Parenting Practices. Do’s rather than don’ts have the greatest impact.