What's it like when your job is to turn others down? Meet the “rejectors” and hear their thoughts on the heavy toll of the role

Every time you hear a “no,” there’s a person who has to say it. A human being who goes to sleep at night thinking about all the people they’re forced to disappoint. What’s it like for them? What’s the weight of that responsibility — and how do they hold it? 

Chaim L., tuition committee member:

Every school near, nearly 80 percent of the families apply for a break. Most of them get some discount, but it’s not usually the amount they’re asking for.

There’s a formula we use, which accounts for family size, income, number of kids at home — all based on the average cost of living in our community. It’s somewhat formulaic, but we need to be very human. The numbers give us a basis for the discussion, yet we also make space to account for any extraordinary circumstances. Do they have a child with special needs who accounts for more than the usual per child expenses? Did they just have major storm damage — and need to shell out tens of thousands on out-of-pocket repairs? Is someone in the family sick, which means the parents are busier than usual and not earning as much as they once did?

At the end of the day, though, the numbers alone tell you a lot. We once had two families with three kids each, who were both pulling in around $100,000 in income a year. One said they could afford $15,000 in tuition and the other requested to pay only $8,000.

There were no other extenuating circumstances that either mentioned, so why was there such a big difference in their means?

It’s often a matter of priorities. One family values their child’s schooling, and the other doesn’t want to pay a penny more than necessary. In situations like these, we’ll tell the family that wants to pay only $8,000 that we feel what they can afford is closer to a number like $13,000.

Even if the numbers don’t lie, it’s always tough to be the one pushing someone else. How do you decide how hard someone else should have to work? If they’re requesting to pay only $8,000, can you really come and tell them they need to push themselves to pay $13,000? It’s an uncomfortable place to be.

The school purposely splits the process into two. There’s the committee that decides on the discount, and there’s the executive director who actually delivers the news. Because we’re not the ones speaking with the families, it’s easier for us to look at the facts on the table and be honest about the numbers. It allows us to be more aggressive with our tuition numbers.

However, the executive director is our link. If he comes back and says that — after speaking with the family — it’s clear they really can’t afford the tuition, he has the right to override the committee.

At the end of the day, it’s his decision to make because he’s the one who will fundraise to make up the difference. If he allows them a bigger break, he needs to work to make up for it.