Not only does davening for our children’s spiritual growth work — it’s the most powerful weapon we have

Saying goodbye to a Yom Tov is always so difficult. For a limited period of time, we were privy to an exalted existence, accessing reservoirs of spirituality usually out of reach. In a way, bidding farewell to Chanukah is more challenging than any other Yom Tov. Chanukah is a full eight days, each one building upon the next. Maalin bakodesh v’ein moridin, teaches the gemara in Shabbos 21b — we go up in holiness and we do not go down. For this reason, Beis Hillel holds that we light in ascending order, as opposed to descending order (ibid.). And yet… here we are, staring at our empty windows, menorahs stashed safely away. Can there be a greater “moridin” than that?

The answer must be that — no — this is not yeridah at all. What we gained on Chanukah remains with us and our job throughout the year is to build upon it.

I would like to point to one element of Chanukah that I believe has yearlong relevance — the teaching of Chazal (Shabbos 23b) that “haragil b’neir havin lo banim talmidei chachamim.” One who is ragil (loosely translated as “accustomed to”) the candle will have children who are talmidei chachamim.

These words of Chazal are obviously meant to be taken literally — keen observance of the mitzvah of both neir Chanukah and neir Shabbos (Rashi ibid.) is a merit to have children who are talmidei chachamim.

However, this teaching can have elements of metaphorical — and forever relevant — interpretations as well.

THE TWO INGREDIENTS FOR SUCCESSFUL CHILDREN

Rav Avraham Pam would quote the Steipler Gaon as saying that raising good children depends on two factors. Fifty percent of the success in raising a good child is about shalom bayis [domestic tranquility]. The other 50 percent is prayer. One should pour his heart out and plead to merit having good children. The question is, can we find any earlier source for this directive?

Perhaps the guidance of the Steipler Gaon can be traced back to the above-quoted statement, “Haragil b’neir havin lo banim talmidei chachamim — One who is ragil in the neir will have children who are talmidei chachamim.”

1. Shalom Bayis = banim talmidei chachamim

The pasuk in Mishlei (20:27) says “neir Hashem nishmas adam,” indicating that the word neir, candle, can symbolize the Jewish soul, rather than physical candlelight.

The Ben Ish Chai (Ben Yehoyada) notes that the two neiros we light in honor of Shabbos correspond to the male soul and the female soul. The idea here is that in order to raise banim talmidei chachamim, it is critical that these two neiros, the mother soul and father soul, live in harmony and peace. When the two neiros are in sync, the neiros are “ragil,” steady and stable, the result is spiritual greatness for the children, banim talmidei chachamim.

In addition, we mentioned that the term neir refers to neir Chanukah as well as neir Shabbos. It is interesting to note that the neir Chanukah is primarily the mitzvah of the man — as the gemara says, “neir ish u’beiso” — while the mitzvah of neir Shabbos is primarily incumbent on the woman. Again, the message is that essential to raising banim talmidei chachamim is the harmony of these two “neiros.” In other words: shalom bayis.

But how does shalom bayis affect our children’s spiritual success?

There are two ways to explain how shalom bayis affects our children; the first is more logical, while the second is more esoteric.

For the first way, we refer to the episode in the Torah that discusses a child struggling with his Yiddishkeit.

The Torah (Devarim 21:18) describes the unfortunate case of a child known as a ben sorer u’moreh, a child who does not meet our expectations and hopes for him.

In describing this child who struggles, the Torah says that he does not listen to kol aviv u’vekol imo, the voice of his father and the voice of his mother. We know there is no extra word in the Torah. So why does it not just say, b’kol aviv v’imo, he doesn’t listen to the voice of his father and mother? Presumably, the second mention of kol, voice, is not extra at all. Rather, there is in fact a separate kol aviv, voice of his father, and a separate kol imo, voice of his mother. What does this mean?

Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach explained that the Torah is teaching us here that a potential reason for the child’s struggles might be the fact that his parents each have their own “voice” at home, aggressively pushing their own agendas, fighting with each other in the child’s presence. When parents fight in front of the children, it can destabilize the home, unsettle the children, and trigger a dangerous internal struggle for the child.

Rabbi Lawrence Keleman (in an article “Why Are So Many Kids off the Derech?” Jewish Action, Summer 2013) cites an extensive analysis into factors that can contribute to children leaving the fold, and notes that a significant factor can be a lack of shalom bayis.

He quotes Rav Chaim Kanievsky (Orchos Yosher, p. 38), who writes about the grave danger of parents fighting in front of the children: If a child’s father and mother fought... and the child saw or heard his parents’ fights, then the child is not held to blame for spiritually falling, for it is not the child who sinned.

Rav Kanievsky explains that by fighting in front of their child, the parents make the child feel unsettled and insecure in his environment, which pushes the child to act out.

But this idea can easily be very misunderstood.

When we learn that parents should not fight in front of the kids, we must realize that a “fight” is not a “disagreement.” A “fight” conjures up the image of yelling, screaming, maybe some silent treatment. Fighting generally involves hurtful words, name-calling, raised voices, and more. It’s when people lose control of themselves. This indeed must be avoided in front of children. It is unproductive and can harm our marriage as well as our children.

But parents can disagree in front of the children — and it may actually be good for the kids to see that. It can be a heated, yet controlled, discussion, difference of opinion, and an underlying desire to reach an agreement. When children watch their parents arguing about something to reach an agreement, they learn about amicable conflict resolution. The disagreement — when done respectfully — teaches the child about relationships.

All relationships — familial, work-related, friendships — inevitably involve disagreements, tensions, and compromise, and parents working things out in front of the children in a healthy way can give the child the psychological tools to properly navigate such challenges that will arise in their own lives. The child will learn that a relationship can not only withstand arguments, it can even grow from them when the conflict resolution is done calmly and maturely. What causes damage to the child is the parents losing control in a fight, not the argument per se. In fact, if the child never sees the parents disagree, it can be damaging, since the child will then mishandle the inevitable disagreements they have as they experience life, not knowing how to work through them and properly manage them.

There is a second, more esoteric way of understanding how shalom bayis affects the way we raise our children. Chazal (Pirkei D’Rabi Eliezer 12; see Sotah 17a) teach us that the Shechinah only resides in a home that has good shalom bayis. One of the reasons presented for this is that every child is comprised of a three-way partnership, Hashem together with the mother and father. This is true for both the physical and spiritual makeup of the person. Because it is inherently a three-way team, Hashem’s integral involvement in the child’s spiritual upbringing hinges on the harmonized participation of His two partners. If they can’t get along and cooperate, Hashem’s imprint on the child they raise can wane. So healthy shalom bayis ensures that Hashem’s blessing and siyata d’Shmaya permeates the child’s being and facilitates his spiritual development.

It is important to note that this does not mean that if a child is raised in a single-parent home his ability to grow and develop is compromised. Hashem does not expect from one that which is impossible. Shalom can be interpreted as “avoidance of turmoil.” This can be achieved between spouses, but where that isn’t possible, it can exist in endless scenarios. Doing our best to avoid machlokes, thus bringing shalom into the world, introduces so much brachah into our lives — the greatest of which is nachas from our children.

2. Tefillah

The second ingredient to raising good children, prayer, is also connected to the aforementioned gemara that one who is ragil in the neir will merit good children.

Rabbeinu Bechayei (Shemos 19:3; see Magen Avraham O.C 263:11) writes that since we are taught here that the merit of lighting neiros Shabbos (and neiros Chanukah; see sefer Me’or Einayim drush Chanukah) grants a person banim talmidei chachamim, every woman should be sure to pray for her children’s spiritual growth specifically at the time of lighting neiros Shabbos, since it is this mitzvah that provides a segulah for good children.

But perhaps the custom to pray for our children at the time of lighting the neiros goes a step deeper. This mitzvah is about lighting the neir, i.e., igniting the soul, of each member of our household, and the parent primarily accomplishes this goal by praying for that soul’s spiritual development (sefer Chanukah Betzion p. 225).

There is nothing more important that a parent can do for their child than prayer, no matter how old the child is. The Steipler Gaon once said that he still was careful to daven every single day for his son to grow in Torah learning — at a point in time when Rav Chaim Kanievsky was already a renowned gadol.

The Shelah Hakadosh writes that every parent should passionately daven as much as possible for their children’s spiritual success. In fact, many of the meforshim highlight different places in our daily prayers that are opportune moments to daven for our children to grow up to be righteous and G-d-fearing. For example, the Shelah Hakadosh himself comments that one should specifically have in mind their children’s spirituality when saying birchos haTorah (venihiyeh anachnu v’tzeetza’einu), Ahavah Rabbah (v’sein belibeinu) and Uva LeTzion (l’maan lo niga larik v’lo neled labehalah).

Rav Shimshon Pincus noted that in a desperate situation people say, “just daven,” as if that is something to be done when there is no other hope. That is a terrible mistake. Even when things seem wonderful we must never stop davening.

But this begs a question: If it is so crucial to daven for our children’s spiritual success, why did Chazal not compose a specific tefillah to express this wish? If we ask for health, wisdom, parnassah, and much more, then certainly we should ask for good children?!

Rav Yissachar Dov of Belz explains that it is precisely due to the power of such a prayer that we have no explicit request. Davening for our children is so potent that if we were to explicitly offer such a tefillah, the forces of impurity would attack the tefillah and derail it. Such a powerful tefillah would cause the Satan to impede and obstruct. Instead, on many occasions, we conceal this tefillah within the words of our daily prayers, only alluding to it, so it escapes the clutches of impurity. For instance, we thank Hashem in the prayer of Modim, and say, “Magen Yish’einu Atah Hu ledor vador nodeh Lecha u’nesaper tehilasecha — Shield of our salvation is what You are from generation to generation. We shall thank You and relate Your praise.” Says Rav Yissachar Dov of Belz: This can be read, “From generation to generation, we shall thank You,” meaning, this is a prayer that not just we, but our children and grandchildren, from generation to generation, should live with this attitude of gratitude and praise. When saying these words, we should insert a tefillah that our children be grateful to Hashem and mindful of His presence.

Someone recently shared the following story with me. An irreligious nurse was caring for an elderly religious woman who suffered from an extremely painful illness. While many people with her condition lose their will to live, she was always joyful and happy. One day, the nurse asked her about the secret to her happiness. She woman replied that her siddur was the key to her attitude. She constantly thanked Hashem for everything she had, and prayed for things she hoped to still receive. The nurse commented that she also wanted to pray, seeing how calm and serene it made this woman. The elderly woman copied for her a few pages of the daily tefillah, including birchos haTorah. The nurse started praying these words daily, and soon thereafter noticed a massive change in her daughter, who had always been so challenging. The daughter was rapidly transforming into a kind and caring person, and soon decided to become religious. She eventually attended an excellent seminary, married a deeply religious man, and raised a beautiful family. At some point, this daughter inspired her mother to join her on the journey, and the nurse herself became religious. This nurse couldn’t understand how her daughter underwent a dramatic transformation in her life, without any exposure to the Torah or the influence of the religious community. At some point, she realized what must have happened. Every day this woman recited birchos haTorah, with the words, “And may we and our children, and our children’s children in Your nation Bais Yisrael all know Your Name,” the prayer for the spiritual development of our children. Said this woman, “My sincere prayer on behalf of my daughter must have sparked this change.”

Our tefillos for our children work in supernatural ways. We should utilize every opportunity to pray, as it helps them receive the siyata d’Shmaya they need to become the great people they are capable of becoming.

Rav Aharon Leib Steinman was once approached by the menahel of a school for guidance. There was a boy in the school that had been misbehaving for quite a while, and had begun impacting his peers in a very negative way. Every attempt to get this boy to improve his conduct failed, and the hanhalah wanted to know if at this point the boy should be expelled. Rav Steinman turned to the menahel and asked, “So what’s the boy’s and his mother’s full Hebrew name, so I can daven for him to improve?” The menahel replied that he didn’t know. Rav Steinman looked at him incredulously, and sharpened his tone, “You mean to tell me that you are ready to expel a child from yeshivah without having first tried to help him by davening for him?!”

Not only does davening for our children’s spiritual growth work — it’s the most powerful weapon we have.

Rabbi Aryeh Kerzner is the rav of Agudas Yisrael of Montreal and a noted posek and popular speaker. Many of his shiurim and speeches are available online. He is the author of the sefer Halachah at Home, published by ArtScroll/Mesorah

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1044)