“It’s important to be more cognizant of recognizing the many good things that children do” says Rabbi Moshe Margolese principal of Ohr Chadash Academy (OCA) in Baltimore (Photos: Shutterstock)

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few students raised their hands hoping to be picked as a volunteer. It was a typical day in a typical gym class at Ohr Chadash Academy (OCA) inBaltimore. When the P.E. teacher finally picked a student the rest of the class gave a round of applause.

“That’s not because they naturally feel happy that someone else was picked” says Rabbi Moshe Margolese principal of OCA who had been observing the scene. “We taught them that this is the expectation of what we do of how we treat others to be happy for one another and share in the happiness.”

How exactly did Rabbi Margolese create a culture of derech eretz in his school? The simple answer is that like many Torah schools around the country OCA has a schoolwide middos program. But coming up with a program is relatively easy; seeing it bear real fruits is far more challenging.

Parents know this well: To teach our child to be a mensch we try all sorts of strategies. But often our efforts fall flat. The child might display a positive middah for a few weeks but it eventually fades.

What are we doing wrong? And what are schools like OCA doing right? The answer is multifaceted. There’s no cookie-cutter approach to inculcating good middos — indeed the “mensch” program in each school is as unique as the school itself. But every institution has one thing in common: Long before they introduced their middos program to students they spent months if not years developing and refining it.

Prep Work

Think back to the last time you started a star chart for your child. How much time did you actually spend thinking about your approach — and its long-term efficacy — before you stuck the chart to your wall?

At our schools serious thought is given to which particular middah to focus on; how much time to devote to the study of it; how to creatively engage the students; how practically students can work on the middah; and most importantly how to help the middah take root in the child.

Prep work is required which starts with some basic but fundamental questions. For instance what middah does your particular child need to focus on? What single middah do you think will propel your child into becoming a more “others focused” person? What is a middah that you want your entire family to focus on (you included)? Instead of thinking broadly (“I want my child to be a mensch”) narrow your focus (“I want my child to develop patience”).

The hardest part might be picking which middos to emphasize. For this reason many schools cover one middah a month. Over the course of a year students at Torah Academy of Minneapolis in Minnesota learn about responsibility self-control tolerance respect kindness honesty diligence gratitude generosity and compassion. Rabbi Pinchus Idstein menahel of Torah Academy tries to tie in the middos to particular times of the year — respect starts off the school year and gratitude is emphasized at the end.