“Yes” is the real magic word

“Yes” is such a wonderful word. We all love to hear it.

“Can we have ice cream today?”

“Yes!”

“Do you love me?”

“Yes!”

We should use this word often since it’s not only delightful, it’s therapeutic as well. “Yes” welcomes everything and everyone, opening doors, promoting change, bringing relief, and inviting healing.

We’ve met yes before — in parenting articles. Try to be a yes parent, saving no for rarer occasions. If you normally say yes, then when you have to say no it will be better received, more respected, and more easily accepted.

We’ve also met yes in emotional self-care, in the “Mindfulness-Yes” exercise. Describe the situation in about ten short sentences, each one followed by the word yes. Then describe your feelings, each one followed by the word yes. Finally, acknowledge the way your body feels part by part, moving down from the head and neck all the way to the feet and toes, following each observation with the word yes.

“He lied to me.”

“Yes.”

“He’s been lying for months now.”

“Yes.”

“He’s denying that he’s lying!”

“Yes.”

“I feel so betrayed.”

“Yes.”

“My head is hurting.”

“Yes.”

“My eyes are heavy.”

“Yes.”

“My jaw is tight.”

“Yes.”

Go through the realms of thoughts, feelings, and sensations, over and over, until the yes clears out all the distress and pain.

Yes to Me and Yes to You

One easy, available, free, and powerful use of the word yes is in managing our daily stress. So many things happen, so many conversations and situations, each causing so many flavors of stress. Our go-to methods for reducing that stress are often ineffective or counterproductive.

Ruminating is a favorite example. A friend or relative has said something hurtful. We turn to ruminating to comfort ourselves. “Why did she say that? What did she mean? She’s always doing things like this. She has a definite problem. I know it wasn’t my fault. Why couldn’t she have just asked me? Why does she make all these assumptions...” and on and on for hours or days or longer. We try to understand, to blame, to make sense of it all.

But so much energy is wasted and the bad feeling never goes away. All we really had to do is throw a yes at it.

“She really hurt me.”

“Yes.”

“I’m really sad about it.”

“Yes.”

“It hurts.”

“Yes.”

Yes can replace rumination and its cousin, worry. Rumination occurs over distressing and stressing things that have already happened, whereas worry occurs over those things that might happen in the future. Like rumination, worry is meant to soothe a feeling (in this case, fear, panic, or grief). “What if he breaks off the engagement? How will she cope? What will we tell everyone? What will happen to her? How can we face his parents?” and endlessly onward.

Each question can be stated as a sentence followed by the word yes. As scary as it might sound, the yes will do its magic, providing quick and efficient emotional clearing.

“He may break off the engagement.”

“Yes.”

“She might not be able to cope with that.”

“Yes.”

“We’ll have to explain it to everyone.”

“Yes.”

“This will change her forever.”

“Yes.”

“It’s going to be hard to face her parents.”

“Yes.”

Yes takes us away from the dark pit, the endless void of the terrible unknown and drops us firmly on solid ground. “Yes, that’s true.” There. We’ve said it. It’s not that bad.

Finally, we can do the same for those we’ve frustrated, disappointed, let down, mistreated, or whatever. We’ll fancy up the yes in this case, but it will essentially hold its meaning and magic.

“You never listen to me when I talk to you.”

“Yes, I see what you’re saying.”

“You’re always on your phone.”

“Yes, I understand how much that bothers you.”

“You care more about business, your friends, everything and everyone.”

“Yes, I see how you’re feeling that you’re at the very bottom of my list of priorities.”

Our yes bypasses defensive explanations and readily acknowledges the pain of a speaker. It offers a chance to speak and be heard, which facilitates the healing of discord.

Yes. I like that word a lot.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 909)