There’s no point in the calendar when we’re more conscious of time than during Sefiras Ha’omer. As we count each day marking our advance toward Matan Torah we’re supposed to be advancing personally as well.
Counting in Judaism is a funny thing. There’s a tension between counting and not counting. On one hand we celebrate the counting of these days between Pesach and Shavuos. Besides the efforts at self-improvement inherent in this time there’s the challenge of completing the count which brings the satisfaction of completing the race — our own spiritual marathon if you will.
On the other hand we have an aversion to counting as in the custom to not count people by number but rather with the ten-word pasuk from Tehillim (“Hoshia es amecha...”). Some people won’t state the number of children or grandchildren they have to avoid the negative consequences of ayin hara.
It’s clear that counting things can be either positive or negative. The number of people at the last Siyum HaShas was widely touted as a symbol of our communal progress while the number on my father’s arm symbolized our enemies’ attempt to reduce us to subhumans as they attempted to wipe us off the planet.
Counting that builds on that which came before adding to and including what was is growth oriented. Counting that divides and isolates that cuts us off from what was is not. When we count we can be inclusive or exclusive. Rav Moshe Shapiro points out that the numerical value of Mitzrayim Egypt is the same as that of mispar which means “number.” We were redeemed from an existence where the number of bricks we had to make was meant to break us and learned to count in a new way starting the morning after the Exodus in a way that builds us.

Building on the Past
At a kiruv rechokim shabbaton I recently attended the following question was asked at a women’s Q&A: Why is Judaism so focused on the past? We’re always retelling old stories. Wouldn’t it make more sense to get over it and move on?
I understood the question in essence as: Why should we include the past in our consideration of the present? Isn’t it better to take each day as it comes and try to make the best of it?
The Torah tells us “Zechor yemos olam — Remember the days of the world.” To remain focused on the reason we were put here we have to remember what came before us. We don’t count 2015 the year of the next great app; we count 5775 years since Creation. Our understanding of the here and now is dependent on our seeing the bigger picture of our existence. The present is only a present if we remember the past and can look into the future.
This idea has important ramifications on how we view our homes and our relationships.

Long and Short Days
Rav Menachem Schlanger in Ohel Rochel explains the difference between experiencing time as happy and satisfying or experiencing it as painful and full of anger in terms of orech yamim long days (Tehillim 90:17) and ketzar yamim short days (Iyov 14:1). In the Torah’s terminology long days indicate a sense that our lives originate in the past and ensure the future. There’s a sense of continuity a flow from what was to what is to what will be. This connects us to the realization that our lives and our homes have an eternal dimension to them. Short days stand on their own without connection to past or future and breed a sense of wanting to escape today only to find that tomorrow is no better.
When the days are orech yamim we have better tools to cope with the regular difficulties that arise between ourselves and our spouses. Orech yamim gives us context and relationships need context to move forward. We may have had a big disagreement or experienced a sharp hurt because of words said or actions taken. But if in that moment of pain I can remember that this is not the only texture of our relationship that we have had good times together times when we built all that we have today I can then realize that the difficulty is temporary and we can get back to those good times in the future.
If on the other hand my perspective is one of ketzar yamim and in the pain of the moment I forget everything good that was or could be between us my anger will flare as I’m overwhelmed by the sense of that moment being my entire existence. That anger can lead me to do or say foolish things.
In simple terms when we’re furious at something our spouses said or did seeing the event as part of the history of the relationship can save us from causing damage to this most important relationship. We can also maintain a vision of the future asking ourselves: Where do I want this relationship to go or even better who does Hashem want me to become going forward?

A Shift in Perspective
During Sefirah we count up building each day on the one that came before with the goal of becoming the person who can receive the Torah Hashem wants to give us. It’s a time to take personal responsibility and to realize that no amount of blame on others will help us become the person we need to be. What will it help to blame others when we remain with the fallout of being impatient angry critical? Rav Shlomo Freifeld ztz”l used to say that negativity is a straitjacket that doesn’t allow an individual to grow.
Our spouses can often be the object of our blame especially if from our point of view their development is lagging. A shift in perspective during this period can bring a shift in our lives. If we see our goal as becoming a person who can receive Hashem’s blessing our relationships can be the catalysts to take us higher.
These challenges are as individual as the people who have them and can stretch into every relationship.
A friend once shared that she got a scathing call from her daughter’s teacher berating her for not being available enough to her child. My friend was a woman with a house full of children very close in age. She wrote the teacher a long letter in response describing the challenges in trying to be everything to everyone in her orbit the challenge of having so much brachah. In the end she didn’t send the letter as it dawned on her that this teacher’s challenge was completely different as she’d endured many years of marriage without the blessing of children and could only dream of having this challenge.
One woman came to the realization that her difficult background made her emotionally needy in her marriage. Her patient husband stood by her and supported her as best he could. Her personal challenge is to not take that support for granted and to continue to grow her gratitude to her husband.
For another woman it’s the challenge of savlanut carrying the burden of a finicky spouse who is never at ease unless things are just so in their home and for another it’s the challenge of learning to see the positive in the other overcoming the constant criticism she experienced growing up.
During Sefirah we have the opportunity to see not only the context of the growth that the relationship has provided over the course of time but also to recognize to what degree we’ve made use of those opportunities.
Our goal is to come to a place where we consciously perceive the past as building our future. Every stop on the way to where we are is an important opportunity to shape us. A woman I know who got married in her late 30s to a man with children said “I realize that everything I went through in my life until now was necessary to prepare me for the job I’ll need to do in the future.”
We have the opportunity during this time to take stock of ourselves and our own growth in our marriages. Ultimately this should help us realize that each day matters as it’s a step on the road to eternity.

Debbie Greenblatt is a senior lecturer for the Gateways organization and a teacher for over 30 years of both observant and not-yet-observant Jewish women. Debbie’s lecture topics include Jewish texts Jewish thought and relationships.