Dear readers it isn’t too late. True Rosh HaShanah has already come and gone but we still have Yom Kippur. Still we’re afraid we might not have awakened our hearts readjusted our thoughts or corrected our deeds in preparation for the Day of Atonement.

Yet there is hope as Rav Eliyahu Eliezer Dessler illuminates for us in Michtav Me’Eliyahu. It might seem like a very simple tip and really we’re talking about a small change – yet an incremental move that can bring about a dramatic transformation in our status before the Supreme Judge.  

“If only we had an easy simple way of becoming purified from our tumah so that we could rise ever higher in our Torah and midos without hindrances and cling to Hashem wholeheartedly and eagerly ” writes Rav Dessler. If such a thing were available wouldn’t we all want it especially in these days of awe and fear of Divine judgment?

“But there is such a thing!” Rav Dessler tells us. “And Chazal revealed it to us: ‘Kol hamaavir al midosav maavirin lo al kol p’sha’av’ (Rosh HaShanah 17a) — loosely translated ‘If a person reacts with understanding and compassion toward those who distress him his own deliberate sins will be judged compassionately.’ This is a marvelous tool for getting free of the grime of sin.”

Rav Dessler goes on to ask “What is the meaning of maavir al midosav? Rashi explains that ‘a person is not exacting about the just desserts of those who cause him distress; he puts his assessments aside and moves on. And what is the meaning of maavirin lo al kol p’sha’av?  The Attribute of Justice is not exacting with him but leaves them alone and moves on.’ In other words when one removes the anger he feels toward his friend the anger from Above as it were is removed.”

Yes we know all about this trick. But with all our good will we don’t often manage to put it into practice.  

Yet Rav Dessler has faith in us and doesn’t relent: “How shall we achieve this midah that has the power to purify us from all our tumah?” he asks and continues “One should accustom himself to view his friend the way his friend views himself [repeat this to yourself over and over!]… and to perceive that that all anger hatred strife and quarreling result from the fact that everyone … refuses to see himself as others see him.

“For example a poor man asks a rich man for a large sum to assist him. The rich man sees this as chutzpah and gets angry; the poor man is insulted and thinks ‘Hashem gave him so much; why won’t he give me what I need?’ And they part in anger both feeling wounded.

“The root of such strife lies in the contrasting viewpoints of the asker and the giver. If the giver would look at the matter from the asker’s angle and consider what he is thinking and conversely if the asker would understand the giver’s feeling and his view of the request surely there would be no strife between them even if the request was not fulfilled. If each of them would try to understand the other’s mindset – not necessarily justifying but just understanding -- most interpersonal conflicts and the resulting complications would be avoided.”

Interesting how most of us hate strife… when other people are engaged in it. Then we can look at it objectively because we aren’t emotionally involved. Often we truly can’t see why the two sides can’t just understand each other and come to some kind of compromise.

Yet when we ourselves are involved in a conflict suddenly our sense of right and wrong is wildly lopsided. We agree that machlokes is a bad thing. Why then is our own machlokes right and proper?

What Rav Dessler is teaching us is that the problem is not the difference of opinion but our approach to the difference of opinion our approach to the other person’s opinion. How then should we change our approach?

“It isn’t all that hard” says Rav Dessler. “We only need to think differently. But this brings a profound improvement to all of our midos because nearly all midos bein adam l’chaveiro pass through this point.”

For example if a person’s friend is taunting him he should actually try to enter his friend’s point of view and consider what caused him to taunt him. He should also consider that were he in his friend’s position he might act the same way. If he can’t find any justification for his friend’s behavior he should consider that his friend might be going through some stressful experience that’s making him nervous and his insulting words were an unintentional outburst. By thinking of the incident in such terms we can “put it aside and move on.” That as Rashi explains is the meaning of maavir al midosav.

And so how will this affect our verdict on Yom Kippur?

If we can “put it aside” then -- we’re guaranteed -- so can Hashem responding to us in the way we respond to each other. The midah that he displays in his treatment of others the way he considers the other’s point of view and acs accordingly is displayed toward him measure for measure in Heavenly judgment and all his sins are passed over through consideration of the sinner’s point of view” (Michtav MeEliyahu Elul-Rosh HaShanah p. 93ff).

Thus we have the chance to create a situation in which the balance sheet of our mitzvos and aveiros won’t be the definitive criterion for our verdict. Even if the teshuvah we’ve managed to do is somewhat lacking we mortals still have the power to decide how those sins will be judged. We can turn the objective analysis of our deeds into a subjective one by granting that same consideration to our fellowman. To the extent that we erase other people’s offenses toward us our offenses toward Heaven are erased in kind.

Our society is rife with shameful divisive quarreling. We complain that the chilonim don’t understand our positions on Torah study and other matters yet we fail to understand one another within our own camp. We’re a veritable dor haflagah each group convinced that the absolute truth is in his possession. In the name of “righteousness ” every gadol b’Yisrael has been treated with disrespect all bounds of good taste have been crossed boundaries that have perhaps been justifiable in cases of disagreement have long since been exceeded. So before it’s too late let us adopt Chazal’s formula for winning a favorable verdict on Yom Kippur. It’s in our hands to change our way of thinking -- if we desire life let’s do it.

Gmar chasimah tovah — v’chashivah chadashah — to the entire Jewish People.

Rav Dessler offers the following practical suggestions for being maavir al midosav and for making life more pleasant all around:

 1. In dealing with another one should never be guided by cold reason alone but instead always consider the other’s frame of mind.

2. Everyone feels he excels at something more than you and he’s probably right. Agree with him and he will love you. (Remember what is said in the Iggeres HaRamban: “If you are wiser than he remember that he is more righteous than you for he sins by mistake while you sin knowingly…”)

3. Everyone is more interested in his own needs than in you; therefore draw his attention to the point where your interests and his coincide.

4. Don’t try only to force your will. Get the other person to want to do it and to be happy doing it.

5. Guard against getting into acrimonious arguments with your friends for this will distance and separate you from them.

6. Don’t talk about yourself so much. Talk with your friend about him and he will be interested in hearing you. (Most people’s favorite word is “I” and they find nothing more splendid than their own name.)

7. Listen to what others say make an effort to remember their names and details about them and they will love you.

8. Don’t criticize your friend openly; it will only make him more obstinate. Criminals even the worst murderers never admit their guilt in their hearts.

Food for Thought

At the end of the Yamim Nora’im I incline my ear to the wall

and I hear the sound of the shamash’s knock

calling to come to Selichos next year

(Rebbe Nachman of Breslov)