Whether we marry at 20 or at 40 we dream about the deep satisfying connection we’ll have with our spouse. We will feel loved and taken care of. Together we will be more than the sum of the parts and as a stalwart team we’ll conquer life’s challenges. We won’t feel lonely anymore and the security of knowing that our spouse “has our back” will give us the confidence to achieve that which we couldn’t do alone.

If you find your spirits sagging as you read this description in the knowledge that your marriage is nothing like this don’t feel too bad. This idyllic description describes only some marriages some of the time after many years of hard work.

Why do our dreams not coincide with reality? We yearn for a deep meaningful connection. Why does it elude us?

A Relationship of Menuchah

What we are yearning for is called in our Sages’ terminology “menuchah.” This can be defined as a feeling of inner peace and comfort when things are in their place and connected to their source. We read in Megillas Rus “And you will find comfort [menuchah] each woman in her husband’s home.” Naomi blessed her daughters-in-law that they marry again and find the satisfying relationship a woman can have in marriage where she has her place and that place feels like a connection to her essence.

Just as the first woman was created from the side of Adam in an ideal state every woman can finds peace and inner serenity when reattached to her husband. In the same vein he finds menuchah with her likened to a tree with its branches intact.

As desirous as this situation is the menuchah we find is an imperfect one. Our Sages compare the male to the soul and the female to the body. Just as body and soul can find congruence in This World but their connection is always an uneasy one so too a husband and wife can attain much harmony yet it is imperfect harmony. The body and soul are united only for a time. At the end of this phase of existence they part the body returning to the ground from which it came and the soul to its source in the higher realms. The perfect union of body and soul will only take place at the Resurrection when the soul is reunited with a perfected body.

Any union whose end is in sight is incomplete. The structure of a Torah marriage where a couple cannot be physically united all of the time and the demise of a marriage is a possibility creates a lack of complete connection. This infringes on the totality of the menuchah.

The metaphor for this is Shabbos. Menuchah and Shabbos go together. In Minchah of Shabbos afternoon the word menuchah is mentioned no less than five times. A non-Jewish philosopher Augustine of Hippo once said “In this world when the body mourns the soul rejoices and when the soul rejoices the body mourns.” This philosophy is only valid in a world without Shabbos.

Shabbos comes to resolve the lack of harmony between body and soul. As Rabbi Mordechai Becher pointed out on Shabbos we ease the tension between ourselves and the physical world between the physical realm and the spiritual. During the week you go for a walk admire a flower and then pluck it. Good for you bad for the flower. On Shabbos you admire the flower as you stroll by appreciating its beauty but you leave it intact. Good for you good for the flower. On Shabbos you eat good food enjoy fine wine and company and the eating is elevated to a spiritual plane creating harmony between the physical yearnings of the body and the spiritual longings of the soul.

A World of Imperfection

Yet as much as we value Shabbos and don’t want to live without it it is not a perfect pleasure. We may prepare a wonderful meal only to have our husband fall asleep at the table. We may invite guests and then be embarrassed when our children choose that moment to act up. We may crave a Shabbos nap only to have dear friends choose that time to drop by. At the end of Shabbos we are often left feeling that on our day of rest we did not attain menuchah and we wonder what we can do so things will be better next week.

The imperfect union of husband and wife mimics this phenomenon. We wouldn’t give it up but we wonder how to do it better.

The first step is accepting that we can’t make the connection perfect. Many years ago when my kids were small and rambunctious I attended a lecture by Rebbetzin Tziporah Heller. I cannot recall what the lecture was about but I do remember the room and the chair I was sitting in when a woman asked “What do you do about sibling rivalry?”

The Rebbetzin was quiet for a bit and then answered “I’m really sorry but I can’t help you. My kids don’t fight.” I wanted the floor to open up beneath me burying myself and the sense of failure I felt at that moment. My kids fought often; clearly I had missed some crucial things.

Afterward a friend of mine who had spent much time in the Rebbetzin’s house helped me out. “Her kids are like everyone else’s and they’re very active” she explained. “It’s just that she doesn’t define the regular and sometimes contentious behavior that takes place between normal children as fighting.” Whew! I was saved from oblivion!

Similarly when it comes to marriage we need to let go of idyllic notions and realize that imperfect is perfectly good and it is the best we can achieve in This World. Instead of perfection what we want to work on is percentages. As we develop and become the people we need to be we want to increase the depth of the connection and the percentage of time we feel connected realizing that those times that our bond is weaker are part of the natural ebb and flow of a relationship.

Getting to Great

One way to accomplish this is to build in the two-second delay. When we’re about to respond to our spouse with frustration anger or nastiness no matter how well deserved it feels in the moment we need to ask ourselves Is it worth it? Usually we can convey our feelings and needs in a way that doesn’t diminish the harmony and sense of connectedness. We just need to wait long enough for the emotions to subside and our brains to check back in.

“Do I really want to damage this most important relationship?” is a question that should accompany us day to day hour to hour. It can create a shift in the percentage of time we feel connected and prevent fallout from words spoken too hastily.

We need to educate ourselves on what a marriage is supposed to be and put forth the effort to stay engaged in the relationship even when it may be easier or more convenient not to. We must work to remove the lack of harmony that results from our shortcomings and our lack of awareness.

We won’t get to flawless but in most instances we can get to great.