| Musings |

The Hatzolah-Wives Club

By Chashie Stern | June 27, 2023

Take this quiz to find out if you have what it takes to be a Hatzolah wife

AT some point in his life, every male dreams of being a Hatzolah man. Maybe he’s a preschooler in a Hatzolah costume, perhaps he’s an ambulance-chasing bar mitzvah boy. Or maybe he’s already a young father whose mother-in-law has begun to pay a visit every Shabbos afternoon.

So whether you’re married and your husband is considering joining the ranks, or you’re in the parshah and you find that your dates have an affinity for things that beep, now is as good a time as ever to take this little quiz and find out if you have the goods to be a Hatzolah wife.

Can you run your own Seder? Don’t worry; it’s just until Shulchan Oreich when, miraculously, the calls wind down and all members return just in time for the glazed corned beef.
Do you like bright lights and deafening noise? If your husband is joining Hatzolah, there’s a good chance he does. But fear not: every Hatzolah kit comes equipped with a pair of sunglasses and a stash of ear plugs to accommodate spouses sensitive to blinding lights and blaring sirens.
Are you a deep sleeper? Because the battery for the radio sometimes runs low, despite efficiently configured timers and wires and random electric paraphernalia. And then it plays a catchy (read: impossibly annoying) little ditty every three minutes starting when you’re about to fall asleep. But don’t worry; it only happens on Friday nights.
Can you handle your kids’ boo-boos? Because your husband will always say they’re fine. A broken ankle? Ace bandage. Open head gash? Bacitracin.
And then you must display the appropriate level of concern as he heroically leaps into the ambulance while donning his helmet and reflective vest, to race with lights and sirens to the kid down the block who is suffering from a paper cut.

Can you handle a parade of little boys surrounding your husband wherever he goes? Think paparazzi. No big deal, just bring along extra nosh on your Chol Hamoed trips.
Do you mind if your husband goes out for Chinese twice a month? Shhh… they call it “Hatzolah Meetings.”
Do you have a good voice? Because when an unsuspecting family member mistakenly leans on a wrong button — and Hatzolah men, and their cars, come along with many of those buttons — you will either search your mirrors frantically for the police car you think is chasing you, or every Hatzolah member and his extended family will be listening to your rendition of Mordechai Shapiro, courtesy of the radio. Or hear you yelling at your kids to change their socks once and for all. Not sure which is worse.
Do you enjoy having surprise visitors during your Shabbos meal? This is the best part, actually, because nothing breaks up fights over who got more grape juice like a knock on the door from someone who was stabbed by a challah knife.
Can you entertain your guests at the Shabbos meal while your husband is out on a call? It can get tricky with your husbands’ friends or single fellas from a local shabbaton. That’s your cue to get busy with bedtime — even if it’s only 12:15 in the afternoon.
Can you smile and pretend to be excited when your husband offers to take you out? And then treats you to a tour of the Hatzolah garage? Gush over it, and he’ll take you to Home Depot for dessert.
Most importantly, do you like cheesecake? Find out what your local Hatzolah branch gives the members as a token of appreciation. It might be an annual cheesecake, in which case, you’d better like cheesecake. If not, please step aside and let someone who does take the position instead.

Now, that’s mesirus nefesh.

Disclaimer: This is a humor column. As such, please do not take it seriously. In case of emergency, do not use this article as an excuse to administer first aid by yourself. Call your local Hatzolah number! In truth, they are the best! (And when you’re all better, feel free to dress in your holiday finest and bring over a tray of cannolis.)

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 849)

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Take this quiz to find out if you have what it takes to be a Hatzolah wife

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