I often ask myself why I married him in the first place. It’s not a question with a simple answer

L

eaving my marriage was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made. There’s a profound sense of shame that can come with divorce in our community, a feeling that you’ve failed not just yourself but also your family, your friends, and Hashem. A kind of shame that clings to you when you walk away from something that everyone else celebrated.

When I stood under the chuppah, I envisioned a future filled with all the blessings a home could embrace. My marriage didn’t last long — less than a year, to be precise. What began with dreams and hope quickly unraveled into something unrecognizable.

Looking back, I can see the signs that were there from the beginning, subtle but persistent, like cracks forming in a wall that, at first glance, seemed solid. But when you’re in the middle of it, it’s hard to see the destruction as it’s happening. You tell yourself that this is normal, that it will get better, that you just need to try harder. You think you can fix someone more than they’re willing to fix themselves.

I often ask myself why I married him in the first place. It’s not a question with a simple answer. At the time, he seemed kind, reliable, and calm. He said all the right things — words that made me feel wanted. People around me praised him, and I believed them. I was swept up in the hope that comes with new beginnings, eager to start a life that felt so full of promise. That hope began to waver far sooner than I could have imagined. If I’m honest, the first time I thought, Yikes, maybe this was a mistake, was on our wedding night. I found myself standing awkwardly in the glow of the wedding hall lights, caught off guard as he grew visibly upset when I told him I wanted to say goodbye to my family before we left.

“It’s just going to take a few minutes,” I said, but his expression darkened.

“This is supposed to our night. I’m supposed to your number one priority now,” he snapped. I felt the flush of red grow on my cheeks as my eyebrows furrowed in sad confusion. My family was just a few feet away, laughing and smiling, unaware of the tension building in the shadows. I glanced at them, then back at him, unsure of what to do. In that moment, the excitement of the day dimmed, replaced by a flicker of unease I couldn’t quite shake.

That was the first crack. I tried to ignore it, but as the weeks and months unfolded, moments like that one began to add up, each leaving behind a piece of doubt, whispering to me that this might not be the life I thought I had signed up for.