We can’t how we affect others, despite our intentions

We tend to think that others see and hear what we see and hear. We even imagine that they feel the way we do. However, it’s been proven again and again that we each see the world through our own unique lenses.

People see different colors when looking at the same object. Ten people who witness an accident will notice and recall ten different “realities.” So it’s no surprise that we can’t be sure how our words and actions will affect others, no matter what our intentions are.

“At lunch one day, one of my coworkers described the challenge she has caring for her mother, who has to be taken to many different medical appointments each week. Another woman — someone who usually doesn’t say much — said she had a similar issue trying to find time to be with her unwell father who was in a long-term care facility. Others talked about their own challenges.

“A week later, I asked the colleague whose father was unwell how her dad was doing. Her face went stone cold. She said, ‘I know you’re concerned and I appreciate it, but when I’m at work, I don’t want to think of my father. It makes me feel overwhelmed. If you don’t mind, please don’t ask about him.’

“I was shocked and hurt. I always thought that asking others about the wellbeing of their loved ones was an act of kindness that showed support, friendship, and caring. This woman made it seem like I had just stabbed her!”

In fact, the woman did feel stabbed. Her father had been unwell for several years and wasn’t getting better. The woman coped by compartmentalizing — concentrating on her family when she was at home, concentrating on work when she was at work, and concentrating on her father’s needs when she was with him. The subject of her ill father only came up because she had wanted to support a colleague.

Had the storyteller understood that people have very different reactions to things, she might have dealt better with her colleague’s terse response. “Oh, of course,” she would have said. “Thanks for telling me. Please just understand that I’m thinking of you and your family.” And then she would let the woman take the lead in the future if she wanted to share anything.

Im Yirtzeh Hashem by You

Here’s another one of the many ways that well-wishers can innocently cause others pain. Giving someone a blessing is an obvious act of kindness. When we see that someone is lacking something, our compassion is awakened and we want to convey our sincere wish that Hashem will grant them whatever they need. What could be wrong with that?

“Yes, everyone could see that I was in need of what my younger sister had — a chassan. At the wedding it was bad enough that I felt all those pitying eyes staring at me, but the nonstop refrain of ‘Im yirtzeh Hashem by you!’ was intolerable! Of course I knew they meant well, but to me they might as well have said, ‘Hopefully Hashem will rescue you from your pain and humiliation really soon!’ ”

Sometimes our well-intentioned formulas have the opposite of their desired effect, and we need to come to terms with that. Inquiring about the welfare of a person or her relative may cause pain, but not inquiring can make some people feel uncared for and alone.

The Best We Can

What should we do? Or not do? We can’t know in advance how a person will react to our concern or our blessings. Of course the receiver has the obligation to recognize the good intentions behind the speaker’s words. But that doesn’t erase the emotional pain that may have accidentally been provoked.

So what can we do to avoid hurting those in fragile positions? First, we must recognize that fragility and judge the receiver positively. She doesn’t feel pain “on purpose.” It’s part and parcel of her suffering.

We need to think carefully before we say anything to someone who’s in distress. Will that person appreciate our overture, or will he be pained by it? After we’ve made that calculation, we can take the risk, apply our choice, and hope that it lands the way it was intended.

If it doesn’t, we needn’t blame ourselves, nor the recipient. On the contrary, both should be forgiven. We’re all just doing the best we can.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 614)