Avrumie and his family moved in. And we made it work. But I missed Mommy so much. I couldn’t stop crying. I felt bad. I wished I could make Yom Tov feel a little more yontifdig. But I couldn’t get into the right mood.

Then I started feeling concerned about Chaim. He just wasn’t himself.

I tried to talk to him to show him that I was there for him but he didn’t seem to be too interested in me. Yehudah tried to help him too. But they always ended up fighting. Chaim kept on reminding Yehudah that he wasn’t his mother or father. Whenever Chaim was home, I tried to be home too so that I could be a buffer in case any fighting started. I was a little overwhelmed because I also tried to visit Bubby as much as I could. Baruch Hashem some neighbors realized that she needed help and she started looking better. But she definitely didn’t bounce back to her old self.

At one point Yehudah realized that he couldn’t deal with Chaim’s issues. It was too much for him. He actually called Totty and asked him for help. Totty kind of said that he doesn’t really know Chaim and Yehudah seemed very capable and he should continue to do whatever it was that he was doing.

I don’t think Yehudah was very pleased with my father at that point.

I actually called Totty back and told him that he had to come take care of Chaim. He told me that he loves me but this wasn’t an issue for me to get involved in.

Reaally?! ‘Cuz I was the one living at home, and it was my brother and there was no mother around. So if it wasn’t my father’s problem, shouldn’t it be mine?

There were times that I felt like I was intruding in my own home, like when I would walk in while Baila and Yehudah were having conversations that looked private. That made me run to my room and dissolve into tears all over again.

There was a community fund that was set up to help support me and my brothers. But aside from that, I wasn’t really sure what the financial arrangements were. I think that was also causing friction in our house.

I tried not to think about it. But I decided that maybe after camp I would see if I could get a steady babysitting job or something to help pay for my expenses.

Back to packing… I cried and cried. And I couldn’t believe that I was going back to camp, the place where I sang and danced and cheered away like the carefree girl that I was just a short year ago. I wasn’t that girl anymore. I saw life through a different lens and I carried a heavy burden. So, I was a little nervous about how camp would play out. But I was happy to get away from all the tension.

And so with fear and relief I boarded the bus to camp.

To be continued…

(Originally featured in Mishpacha Jr., Issue 925)