What's a mother's role after her daughter has a home of their own? Mothers and newlyweds debate

Candles in hand, pride in their hearts, the parents escort their child to the chuppah... and then step back as their child begins to build a home of their own.

Or should they?

What's a mother's role after her daughter has a home of their own? Mothers and newlyweds debate

Ayala

When I got married, I was terrified of making Shabbos, because I’d never been in the kitchen — I hate cooking. But I was so excited to be home, to spend time with my brand-new husband! Now, my sister just got married, my parents have since moved to Lakewood, and she’s there practically every other Shabbos. She tells me this is normal — that no shanah rishonah couple is making Shabbos on their own these days. Is that true?

Batsheva

It’s been like this in Israel for years. Personally, I didn’t do it. I lived close enough to my mother that I was able to walk over, but we only went once every three weeks for one meal. Friday nights were sacred, just the two of us, the entire shanah rishonah.

But I remember one week when we were married a month or two, and my husband ran into an Israeli neighbor an hour before Shabbos. The neighbor couldn’t believe we were staying home. He told my husband he’d been married for five years, he had two kids, and he’d never been home alone for Shabbos. It sounded like Gan Eden to him. I just felt so sad for him.

I think those meals alone built our marriage, and I’ve talked it about so often that when my daughter got married, she was excited to make her own Shabbos, even though in our circles it’s normal to go back to your mother all the time. I’d built up how amazing that time was for us, and she was very eager to do the same for herself.

Perel

I am a very vocal opponent of this whole not-making-Shabbos practice. My daughter knows how to make Shabbos, she did it before she got married, she did it the day shanah rishonah ended.

But it’s a societal thing; we breed dependence. “My mother will send me food. My mother will pay for my kids’ clothing. My mother will cook for me.” I think it’s because so many mothers want their daughters to be dependent on them! But they wouldn’t admit that, maybe not even to themselves.

I say it’s nice if I can help my daughter out. It’s nice if I can do her a favor. She’s my daughter, and I love her. But she’s an adult, she’s a mother. She is no longer my responsibility.

Sarala

It’s funny. My daughter is also extremely capable and independent, and before she got married, she predicted she’d be making a full Shabbos within two months. Two years later, she still spends most Shabbosos with us or her in-laws. And honestly, I don’t think it is unhealthy at all.

Our young couples work very hard during the week. Many of them are expected to bring in a significant part of the money — most parents these days can’t cover it all, even those who are helping with support. Married life is demanding in a lot of ways, and if the husband is a serious learner, it can also be lonely for the wife. Why is it unhealthy to host your couple for Shabbos? Exactly what damage do you think it will do?

Perel

To me it sounds infantilizing. She’s an adult, she’s married. When will she take responsibility for her life choices? Are you telling me you don’t work as hard as she does? You probably work harder. And there’s danger in the system — you become resentful or something happens and it becomes too much; you can’t do this for everyone, all the time. Not to mention what Batsheva said — it’s so good for a couple to spend those precious alone years working through things. But they often can’t, because their parents keep swooping into the picture.