Some kids are easier to raise than others. A well-behaved happy child does not prove that he has a wonderful parent nor does a defiant or aggressive child prove that his parent is a failure. In fact we can only judge the parent based on the parent’s behavior. The difficult child may have an awesome parent who — despite endless provocation — manages to discipline with respect and continues to offer love and encouragement.

THE “DIFFICULT” CONTINUUM

The “difficult child” comes in many varieties. One is the perfectly normal child who is simply strong-minded. This youngster is opinionated and needs to put in his two cents before he complies with a parental directive. Simple compliance is out of the question.

Then there’s the strong-willed child — the youngster who needs things done his own way in his own time. This one won’t cooperate with parental directives because he didn’t initiate them.

Further along the continuum we find the defiant child. This child doesn’t need a reason to refuse to listen it’s just who he is. In his world there is a constant war going on a battle between himself and the authorities. When the defiance occurs more frequently than would be expected in a child of that age and is accompanied by other symptoms such as blaming others vindictive behavior and meltdowns it may be a symptom of ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). The syndrome itself may be mild (occurs only in one setting such as the home) moderate (occurs in two settings such as home and school) or severe (occurs in three or more settings such as home school and recreational setting).

A child with ODD often has another mental health issue as well such as ADHD depression and/or anxiety. These and other genetically inherited conditions — occurring with or without ODD  — often cause the child to be unhappy as well as uncooperative. Some conditions increase impulsivity poor judgment immaturity and/or reactivity — any of which can derail normal disciplinary measures. They all create an intense challenge for parents.

PARENTING THE HARD-TO-DISCIPLINE CHILD

The first step in parenting a difficult child is to realize that the child is not responsible for his nature. He can’t help that he was born with the particular temperament personality or condition that makes him behaviorally challenged. Moreover parents need to keep in mind that the child suffers from his condition as much as they do if not more. He will not necessarily outgrow whatever ails him and he may have to work very hard in life to manage symptoms and prevent them from disrupting his ability to function well in his relationships and work life. Of course he’d prefer to be easy-going flexible calm and happy! He is not enjoying his stubbornness or negativity but rather finds himself trapped in these states.

Once parents accept that their difficult youngster is essentially a struggling youngster then they are ready to approach him compassionately helping to ease his way. Instead of fighting against him locking horns in a bitter battle for control they can work with him helping him to incorporate skills to increase flexibility and regulate emotions.

Dr. Ross Greene in his book The Explosive Child explains the “basket” system for dealing with chronically inflexible children. He asks parents to decide where an issue belongs — in the A Basket (completely nonnegotiable issues) the B Basket (issues that are important but that can be discussed and negotiated) or the C Basket (issues that can be put on the back-burner). This is a version of the well-known adage to “pick your battles.”

Stubborn children need to learn flexibility from their parents. Parents must therefore model the negotiation process and be willing to back down from their original demands except for those few issues that are put into the A Basket. As parents handle B Basket issues they model and teach the skills involved in calming and compromising. Obviously a rigid parent cannot help his child acquire a healthier skill set.

When it comes to dealing with the A Basket — the nonnegotiables — difficult children of all kinds need firm consistent and consistently respectful parenting. Drama from parents (shouting ultimatums door slamming and other forms of adult tantrums) will only make a difficult child more difficult — teaching him in fact how to perfect his act. Appropriate consequences must replace anger as a teaching tool and parents must be prepared to deliver each lesson innumerable times before it is finally absorbed.

Using “praise and prizes” for teaching (attend to and reward all appropriate behaviors) and offering generous doses of unconditional love are key strategies for helping the difficult child tolerate the internal and external negativity he inevitably produces. Ironically when a child is acting the least lovable that’s when he needs love the most.