There are times when speaking up is not evil but a necessity

Privacy is important in marriage. No one wants their conversations or actions broadcast to in-laws friends or strangers; everyone prefers the “What-Happens-in-This-House-Stays-in-This-House” rule that protects their private life from public exposure. There are times however when it is permissible and correct to speak what would otherwise be considered lashon hara. At those times the failure to breach confidentiality can be extremely costly.

Too Ashamed
“I was a new bride. I knew everything was wrong but I didn’t know which way to turn. I didn’t want to upset my parents so I never told them what was going on. I didn’t want my friends to know — I was too ashamed. I couldn’t speak to his rav because I didn’t want to ruin his reputation. So I didn’t tell anyone.”
People have many reasons for keeping secrets. Later when their hearts are breaking from the burden of carrying a weight too heavy to bear these reasons will seem foolish even in their own eyes.
“When I finally told my parents what was going on I was so broken that they barely recognized me. They were furious that I hadn’t reached out earlier and I couldn’t really explain why it had taken so long.”

When to Reach Out
Parents aren’t the people to tell when one’s spouse is leaving dishes on the kitchen counter. Nor are they the ones to hear about a spouse’s difficulties getting up in the morning or fulfilling obligations.
These kinds of marital issues — the ones stemming from normal human imperfection — can be solved between husband and wife alone or with the help of a rav and/or counselor. Normal difficulties of marriage shouldn’t be discussed with parents because parents may never be able to forgive the child-in-law even after years have passed and the issues have been resolved.
However certain issues require far more intervention and in some cases telling parents is a necessity rather than an option. No one should endure abuse in marriage and when it occurs it should always be exposed. Parents are sometimes able to be part of the solution along with the help of professionals and rabbis.
Similarly bizarre behavior must be exposed; no one should be trapped in a house with a mentally disturbed spouse. When one’s spouse makes peculiar demands (“Everyone has to completely change their clothing upon entering this house”) or acts in strange ways (“He wakes me every night at 3 a.m.”) or says terrifying things (“I’m going to kill myself”) then help is needed now. Spouses aren’t mental health professionals and won’t be able to cure each other’s severe emotional problems. Outside intervention is required and the sooner the better.
Although parents will be upset to hear that their child’s marriage is in trouble the shock will quickly be replaced with an intense desire to be of assistance. Of course there are also parents who aren’t able to be helpful for any number of reasons. Sometimes it is the parents themselves who are the source of the problem. In such cases the issue must be exposed to a rabbi and/or mental health counselor or another person who might be of assistance.
“My in-laws are highly regarded in our community. No one would believe what’s going on even if we tried to tell them. My mother-in-law has one face for the public and a totally different one for me. I’m terrified of her. But they’re supporting us and I feel completely trapped. If I get divorced my in-laws will destroy my reputation and I’ll never be able to remarry.”
What seems impossible from the inside may be easily solved by an objective outsider. People are too immersed in their suffering to be able to see their situations clearly or map out solutions. They underestimate the cost of their silence coping one day at a time just to survive. Being isolated worsens the situation as intolerable and unremitting levels of pain fear and confusion overwhelm the nervous system.
Eventually people crack and in utter desperation they finally expose their secret. By this time however recovery is far more challenging. Trauma has taken its toll. It would have been far better had help been sought early on.
There is no merit in waiting until one’s soul is almost destroyed; early intervention reduces pain and speeds recovery. When things aren’t right speak out — beyond the privacy of your home.