As an avid serial devotee, Gentle Reader, you surely spot the menace in that upbeat sign-off. You do, right?

IN

the heady days that followed the coup, anything seemed possible.

The bloodless regime change had placed T.F., of Lakewood, New Jersey, in the role of Chief Dictator for Life of the Greater Tristate Area. Her cronies, Anonymous from Monsey and Harried but Hospitable in Hackensack, ascended to the seats of power; they were known to kindergarteners everywhere as “second to the king,” but to actual students of political science as Vice Dictators.

It was only after the last crumbs of the celebratory doughnuts had been dispatched that the freshly minted heads of state sat down with their cabinet to ponder their newfound powers.

Dr. Leah Kirzner, lead data analyst (see On Your Mark, Issue 472 to learn more about how she balances a career in the exact sciences with Yiddishe mamahood and community service), presented first.

“As veteran letter-writers, having emphatic opinions in print qualifies us to solve the world’s problems, which is why we seized control in the first place. So we’ve begun by identifying some exciting trends among our citizens,” she said. “Specifically, there are many opinions that are so widely held as to be universal. If we enact laws that coincide with popular sentiment, we’re much less likely to be overthrown and beheaded.”

Shaindy Goldspiegel, Communications Director (a job that mostly entailed stirring up controversy by commissioning plausible-sounding letters to the editor), was tapped to head the committee for drawing up proposed legislation. She dove into her task with the fervor of an oldest girl who has been tasked with whipping her younger siblings into shape. She sifted through several years’ worth of magazine Inbox letters, charted trends, and crunched numbers, sustaining a particularly nasty cut from a jagged shard of a three.

Over a platter of pickled red onion-chipotle nachos, the Perfect Party Snack for the Pickiest Palate, which Came Together in Only Minutes (107 of them, to be exact), the team shared their results.

The others looked on with rapt interest as Shaindy strode to the head of the table and projected her slide deck.

“We’ll start with three truths that are basically axiomatic. We have a pretty unanimous voice telling us the following:

1. Pictures on shidduch résumés are bad.
2. Fat shaming is very bad.
3. Teachers should earn more than cleaning ladies.

“According to our research,” Shaindy explained, “people who disagree with any of the above statements are inherently anti-social creatures who would also drown kittens, scowl at chubby babies, and roll their eyes at rhyming shalach manos poems. And since the only letters we’ve ever gotten that disagree with these statements came, according to our analysis, from bored older bochurim in the Irv, I think these are pretty safe ideas to kick off with.”

“Thank you, Shaindy, I’ll take it from here,” continued T.F. briskly. “We’re going to officially start the process for enacting communal takanos to address these issues. We’ll have a comment period, of course, though I don’t expect it to be anything but a formality. To be on the safe side, it’ll be the week before Pesach, when you can pretty much add a bionic teleporting nuclear supervillain to the middle of a 17th-century serial, and no one will notice, much less write in. With the comment period safely out of the way, we’ll be able to codify these principles into How Things Are Done. Looking forward, ladies! This is going to be great.”

As an avid serial devotee, Gentle Reader, you surely spot the menace in that upbeat sign-off. You do, right? I’m glad you’ve been paying attention.