P. D. Eastman’s classic Are You My Mother? is a childhood favorite. The plot revolves around a newborn chick that’s been separated from his mother before even meeting her. He wanders through the forest asking all the different animals: “Are you my mother?” The climax is characterized by his wide-eyed wonder when he finally identifies his elusive Mama Bird.
In contrast our legacy describes the opposite occurring in our history. The Yalkut Shimoni relates that during the slavery in Mitzrayim mothers gave birth to six children at a time under tall trees in the wilderness. Incredibly the earth would then miraculously swallow up these children so their whereabouts would not be disclosed to the murderous Egyptians.
Later the newborns would emerge secretly from the earth and be raised by angels in the desert until they grew old enough to avoid the risk of death. The Midrash goes on to relate that they would then begin their trek back to civilization and return each to his own home.
Crowning the miracles related in this midrash is the internal “GPS” system programmed into these children that sent each directly to his own parents. They did not need to wander or search for their parental home — each unerringly knocked on his own parents’ door despite having never met them!

Happy Birthday
Generations later the bonds between parents and children are no less of a miraculous reality. The Gemara (Niddah 30b) explains that there are three partners in the creation of every child: the father mother and Hashem. The parental members of this coalition are equal partners with HaKadosh Baruch Hu. Therefore one can begin to fathom the awesome responsibility upon a child to respect honor and fear his parents.
However one may feel: Hashem is Omniscient but my parents? They’re so human!
What lies at the crux of this mitzvah? Am I meant to model myself after my parents regardless of their faults and imperfections? What if objectively my parents do not seem worthy of respect and admiration?
Though the Sefer Hachinuch tells us that the yesod of kibbud av v’eim is hakaras hatov we find that halachah stresses kavod even to parents who were absent or negligent in their child’s care. Apparently it is not our parents’ actions that determine how much honor they deserve. Rather they deserve honor simply for their position as parents
The following thoughts from the Pachad Yitzchok by Rav Yitzchok Hutner can enable us to understand the unique characteristics of kibbud av v’eim. The fact that this mitzvah was placed on the right side of the Luchos along with all other mitzvos between man and Hashem teaches us that our relationship with our parents is of the caliber of the relationship between man and G-d.
Furthermore Rav Hutner emphasizes an interesting aspect of the halachah that can shed more light on the depths of this great obligation. In Shemos (20:21) the pasuk states that we are commanded to honor “es avicha v’es imecha.” Why is the word “es” repeated? We learn from here that the obligation to honor one’s parents includes the obligation to honor the eldest son.
As the eldest daughter I’ve always found this added provision to be interesting. Rav Hutner wonders: Wouldn’t the commandment to include the oldest son detract from the awesomeness of the obligation to honor one’s parents? After all my siblings are on my level whereas my parents are partners with Hashem.
In fact the reverse is true — the ultimate honor for parents is the recognition that Hashem chose them to be parents! And who can attest to that exalted position? The firstborn who confirmed this very fact. Based on this I’ve developed a habit of calling my mother on my own birthday to congratulate her on the anniversary of her becoming a mother.

My Father My King?
Nonetheless Hashem’s choice to bestow the gift of parenthood upon our parents still presents a tremendous challenge. The permutations of types of parents are endless from tzaddik to rasha from purposely absent to no longer living. Within that equation are the inherent strengths and weaknesses that make them the people they are.
As their children we are challenged to honor and respect our parents regardless of personality. A person whose father is the gadol hador is challenged to live up to that lofty standard yet not balk under the pressure of expectations. Conversely the child of an ax murderer can fall prey to the opposite challenge of a lack of goals and role models.
Furthermore we know that honor and respect do not preclude other Torah obligations. At the same time our behavior within the parameters of Torah must always include continuous respect in all circumstances. Rav Chaim Pinchas Scheinberg gives an example of this halachic balance:
A baal teshuvah we’ll call him Jeremy has an irreligious father who does not understand the intricacies of shemiras Shabbos. One Shabbos afternoon his father asks Jeremy to make him his
favorite omelet. Halachah requires Jeremy to politely refuse and try to find some ready-made food that he can serve his father. However stipulates Rav Scheinberg as soon as Shabbos is over Jeremy must whip out that frying pan and get those
eggs sizzling!
THE GREATEST BALANCING ACT
Having been involved in seminary education for over 15 years I can testify how this specific message is integral in our children’s lives. Even if children make personal and spiritual choices that are against their parents’ wishes they must continue to maintain constant respect in all interactions.
There are many times in our lives where we may wonder if our parents are demanding things that are beyond their rights. Decisions like career choice place of living and our own children’s chinuch do not fall under the rubric of honoring our parents.
This is one of our greatest balancing acts in life. We all know that our parents are not perfect and can make mistakes. That recognition may at times be disappointing and disillusioning. Yet it may not in any way compromise a child’s vigilant care to treat her parents as royalty! The ability to know one’s limits and boundaries coupled with a strong faith in the guidance of a respected rav is the only way to balance these tricky maneuverings.
I think it’s worthwhile to add here the added challenge of our “sandwich generation” that can add multiple tiers to this already complicated halachah. It’s not uncommon for parents of young children to attend to their own parents while there’s still a grandparent in the family picture with even more complex needs! The morass of these overlapping layers produce a sticky pyramid that threatens to unbalance the juggling act that is expected of the ever-talented multitasking Jewish woman.
However the halachah is very specific with kibbud av v’eim for a married woman maintaining that her number-one kavod must go to her husband. For example if her parents are present at her table her father can only be served before her husband if her husband is mochel.
The faith in our Divine link with our parents is what propels us to continue to face these formidable challenges. And the constant knowledge that this unique relationship was personally tailored to perfect the journey of each neshamah in This World is what empowers us to face this mitzvah with joy and excitement.
The Navi tells of the day when Hashem will return the hearts of parents to their children and the hearts of children to their parents. Children and parents will reunite with the clarity equal to the clarity of those children who returned home to their parents in Mitzrayim. Together they will forge the ultimate reunion of Klal Yisrael to the arms of our Father in Shamayim!

Rebbetzin Aviva Feiner is the rebbetzin of Congregation Kneseth Israel (The White Shul) and menaheles of Machon Basya Rachel Seminary both in Far Rockaway.