A daily list can prepare you for the Day of Judgment — the yearly one and the ultimate one

One of the main reasons that marital counseling is effective is because
it shames people into behaving normally. Not that the therapist humiliates the
client. Rather the client humiliates him- or herself by revealing how he or she behaves at home.

No one likes to admit that she shrieks says insulting remarks slams
doors makes ugly threats or otherwise behaves “not nicely.” We don’t want to
expose actions that are blatantly selfish or outright cruel. Our partner’s
reflection of our behavior now shared with a normal-looking outsider — the
therapist — can make us feel ridiculous. The marital counselor is an outside
witness a reality check for the client.

“Gosh this doesn’t sound good does it?” one wonders as she hears the
description of things said and done that no one could be proud of. Even when
one tries to explain oneself the truth slaps her in the face: There is no excuse or justification for
behaving that way. Explanations for crass behavior sound ludicrous to one’s own ears.

In this way marital counseling is a lot like Rosh HaShanah. The “books
are open” or in modern lingo the camera is rolling. All our actions are being
recorded. And we’re going to have to watch the movie in front of a critical
audience (Hashem). What we thought was private will now be exposed; our own
embarrassment and remorse will help us repent. Everyone should have a few
sessions of marital counseling at some point in their lives just so that they can get a hint of the
feeling that will come on Judgment Day.

Keeping Notes

Imagine that you and your spouse are in couple’s counseling. After every
less-than-ideal interaction at home your spouse pulls out a little black
notebook and starts scribbling. You know that his or her impressions are being recorded
for the sake of the upcoming therapy session. After a few weeks of this you
start to be more careful at home tired of hearing your lesser self played back
in front of the therapist. You want to make a good impression.

“How was the week?” the therapist asks.

“Amazing!” your spouse gushes. “Spouse was so kind generous thoughtful
helpful — I couldn’t ask for more!”

You blush — not only because you are bashful about the praise but
because you know that this is the way you should have been acting anyway.

Now imagine that you are not in marital counseling. Your home feels private. It seems that no one can see
how you are behaving except your spouse (whose fault it is) and your kids (whom
you don’t think about now in the middle of your intense aggravation so their
long term development is not on currently on your radar). You do what you want
to do allowing the feelings that drive your behavior to effectively wipe out
your logical thought processes.
There is no slowing down no reflecting analyzing or strategizing no attempt
to align with Torah principles and directives. It’s as if your soul has no
access to your brain. Your evil inclination may be the star of the movie you’ll
watch on Judgment Day.

Keep Your Own Notes

Fortunately there is a way to preempt this disastrous scenario. Take your own notes. Keep a record of
your behavior — not your spouse’s — after each unpleasant incident. In your
journal you’ll see entries like the following:

• I raised my voice
• I insulted my spouse
• I was unreasonable
• I was irritable
• I glared
• I was stubborn
• I spoke lashon hara
• I exaggerated to make my point
• I …

If you look carefully you may notice an eerie resemblance between this
list and another list: the Yom Kippur confessional. Odd coincidence.

Make it Public

Now that you’ve got your written record of your own actions make it public. Read it to Hashem each
night (also known as cheshbon hanefesh). Read it to your spouse. Now
can you read it to a friend of yours? It starts to get tougher doesn’t it? The
shame factor starts to kick in the important stimulus for teshuvah.

Alternatively get your own therapist and read it to him or her. (Not
like those clients who read their
spouse’s list to the therapist!) Or ask your spouse to record your
behavior too and take both lists to a couple’s therapist. Choose the most painful form of public exposure for
the greatest gain at the greatest speed.

And remember whether you take this initiative or not the camera is rolling.