It’s an illusion to think we have control over our children’s future

W

e’re duped right from the beginning of the parenting journey. At that point, our child is so very tiny and helpless, so dependent on us for survival, we get the impression right then and there that we’re responsible for that little person’s life and well-being forever. Although it’s true at that point, and for some years afterward, even then, right at the very beginning, it’s not all up to us.

We participate, but Hashem holds the veto power, and channels and filters our participation according to His own plans. We know this because, despite our best care, “things happen” to our babies. Despite everything we do to create security, abundance, health, enrichment, and every other form of input and opportunity, Hashem can take a child down a completely different road. It was an illusion, based on the look of things right there at the beginning, that we’re actually “in charge of” our child’s journey, and in charge of it for a lifetime.

“My thirty-five-year-old divorced son lives with us now,” says one mother. “He’s been very depressed since the breakup. He blames my husband and me for the whole mess, telling us it’s because we never bought them the house they needed, and we made his wife miserable. We weren’t warm enough to her, didn’t do enough for her and so on. The truth is that we still had so many kids living at home when he got married. I was busy with everyone and I didn’t have the time or money to do what he needed. But I feel that he’s right. Things could have been different if we had been able to help them out more. I feel so guilty when I see how much pain he’s in.”

Really? You’re responsible for your adult son’s bad marriage? Adults are on their own journey with Hashem. They make their own choices in their “choose your own ending” novels. Sure they make mistakes (so do we), but this is all part of the fun. Nobody is living our life for us, and we’re not living anyone else’s life for them! Simple as this sounds in theory, however, it can be extremely difficult to put in practice.

“My thirty-four-year-old daughter is refusing to date. She says she’s had enough! I keep pointing out that she needs to date if she wants to get married and have kids, but she just doesn’t listen. I’ve asked my sister to sit her down and talk to her, but my sister says she doesn’t want to ruin the nice relationship she has with her niece. She hates conflict. Doesn’t she owe it to my daughter to set her straight?” says another woman.

No one is saying you’re wrong for wanting what you want for your daughter. It’s just that your daughter is a full-grown adult who already knows your opinions and can’t be browbeaten into accepting them. It’s her life and you can’t live it for her.

And another mother says, “My son keeps getting into terrible financial troubles. Right now he needs a couple hundred thousand dollars to get out of his latest fiasco and he tells me that if I don’t get it for him, he’s going to be ruined. I could give him the money we’ve saved for retirement, but I know that he’ll just need more again and we’ll be cleaned out. But I’ve got to help him! What choice do I really have?”

When adult children are in trouble or when they’re vulnerable due to mental illness, disabilities, or personality challenges, parents are particularly prone to continue to feel that they are responsible for their well-being. This puts unbearable pressure on parents for no reason: Parents can’t carry their adult children no matter how much they try to do so.

Adults of all kinds are still adults, responsible for their own journeys in their own way. Parents can continue to love and support them emotionally, financially, physically, and in whatever they want to, while understanding that none of that support is sustaining these adults. It is enhancing their day or quality of life and is a gift. But only the “children” can hold themselves up and move themselves forward.

Parents can offer love but they cannot keep their child alive, make their child function well, or make their child choose wisely. In fact, they never could. Like I said, it was an illusion from the beginning.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 921)