Israeli Cell Startup Netilat Yadayim Makes Killing with Hands-Free Kits for Lebanon

(Tyre, Lebanon) Long known as the Paris of the Middle East, Lebanon is rebranding as a tech hub, vying with neighboring Israel for the Silicon Wadi title. The Lebanese tech scene was jumpstarted by massive investment from Iran, headed by IRGC, a veteran VC firm whose motto is, “We’ll guard your revolution.”

But whatever advances Lebanon’s own tech sector is making, Israeli firms are trying to muscle in on the market — and they’re determined to get a foot in the door of the thriving local prosthetics scene.

For reasons that the (very independent, non-Hezbollah-aligned) Lebanese Health Ministry are still studying, the country has the highest per capita rate of hands-free people — hence the need to develop bespoke, hands-free communications solutions.

That’s where Israeli startup Netilat Yadayim comes in with their specialized, pager-sized communications devices. Most likely because of protectionist economic instincts, Lebanese officials are treating the Israeli devices with extreme caution. But if the export succeeds, it will be the latest Israeli product to explode in Lebanon.

Cat Guards Cream in Downtown D.C.

(White House, D.C.) Under the world’s first shot-proof, impeachment-proof, poll-proof president — the one who’s proved immune to the iron laws of politics and ballistics — America is entering an age when the previously impossible is within reach.

Forget manned missions to Mars, or the Potomac flowing uphill — yesterday in downtown D.C., a cat was seen guarding a pail of whipped cream. Caught on security camera outside 200 Independence Avenue — home to the Department of Health and Human Services — the tabby was recorded patrolling with the menacing air of a Marine around the dairy delight, hissing to ward off staffers who wanted a lick.

The near-miraculous scene quickly drew a crowd. A veteran staffer with former presidential advisor Anthony Fauci on speed-dial reported back that the Covid celebrity was happy to research the phenomenon together with Chinese colleagues.

A recent HHS appointee — evangelical pastor Hale D. Lord — was quick to reach for Scripture. “Can a leopard change its spots?” he quoted pithily, shaking his head at the unnatural cat.

While more hopeful souls dismissed that Jeremiad, the mystery of the formidable feline was soon cleared up. It turns out to be a personal project of new Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy — he of the blue-chip pedigree and ice-chip eyes.

“What’s the problem?” he rasped in his inimitable way, when asked about his pet experiment. “If an anti-vaxxer can guard the Health Department, why can’t an anti-mouser guard the cream?”

Europe Steps Up for Ukraine as America Watches Paint Dry

(London) In a bold display of leadership, European heads of state have pledged unwavering support to Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky as he fights off Russia’s invasion.

British prime minister Keir Starmer, lamenting the lack of American involvement, reassured Ukraine that the UK would provide resources “unavailable in the United States.”

When pressed for specifics, Starmer clarified: “Proper grammar and a deep commitment to table manners.”

Rudy Giuliani Sues Syria’s Al-Jolani for Stealing His Name

(NYC) Former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani has filed suit in the International Criminal Court (ICC) in the Hague to secure an injunction against the new Syrian rebel leader from using the moniker al-Julani for his last name.

Court papers claim trademark infringement because the name al-Julani too closely resembles Giuliani’s. Giuliani also claims defamation of character as he is being mocked for the similarity in names at Washington cocktail parties.

ICC prosecutor Karim Khan said Giuliani should be grateful. Khan said enlightened European elites have often confused him with Mongolian conqueror Genghis Khan. “That’s only enhanced my reputation as a cutthroat prosecutor with no redeeming moral values,” Khan said.

UN Under Fire for Anti-Semitic Books in Palestinian Schools

(Gaza City) Yet another raid on UNRWA facilities has uncovered a fresh batch of educational materials that are, at best, questionable and, at worst, a crash course in 1930s propaganda.

UN officials swiftly dismissed accusations of anti-Semitism, insisting the books were “highly educational and beloved by Palestinian children.”

Among the highlights: a children’s story titled Where Did My Jewish Friend Hide His Horns? and a coloring book called Shahid: A Once-in-a-Lifetime Experience!

Iran Watchers Scramble as Senior Iranian Commander Changes Name

(Iran) The world of geopolitics has been set ablaze by the revelation that a high-ranking Iranian military leader has applied to change his name. Going forward Hossein Salami, a senior general, will go by the moniker Havan Aknik. While Iranian opposition figures contend that nothing more than a bad aftertaste — apparently Salami was bullied in kindergarten in Tehran for his odd name — lies behind the decision, Iran experts aren’t convinced.

The emerging consensus is that there’s a strategic shift underway. Having pioneered Iran’s salami tactics that resulted in heavy losses in the ongoing war against Israel, the veteran commander is determined to oversee a change in approach.

Will he succeed in transforming his country’s outlook? Having seen how the sausage is made, he’s determined not to make a hash of things.

Musk to Hamas: Mars Is the New Palestinian State

(Iran) Elon Musk is one step closer to his goal of populating Mars after President Donald J. Trump endorsed his plan to relocate Gazans to the Red Planet while Gaza is being rebuilt.

“We are going to Make Mars Great Again,” Trump said in an exclusive interview with the Bavli. “The people of Gaza are expert diggers. They will mine all of the ‘Rare Mars’ minerals that America needs so we won’t need to waste time and money conquering Greenland.”

Responding to concerns that the inhospitable Martian atmosphere can’t support millions of Palestinians, the not-so-special Middle East envoy Steve Witkoff said, “Gazans have gotten used to dealing with shortages of air, food, and water. They will survive, provided Musk’s second-rate rocket ships don’t explode shortly after liftoff.”

The Emir of Qatar agreed to finance the SpaceX Mars shuttles, provided Musk dropped the project nickname “Occupy Mars” and no longer referred to prospective launch dates as the Earth-Mars “transfer” window.

“Mars is sacred Palestinian territory since the creation of the universe — they are not occupiers,” the Emir told CNN’s Christiane Amanpour. “We also violently object to the term ‘transfer,’ as it reminds us of Rabbi Meir Kahane, may Allah avenge his blood.”

Report from 2030: Bibi’s Trial Enters Tenth Year

(Israel) The three-judge panel presiding in the Binyamin Netanyahu case toasted a l’chayim in a Jerusalem District Court at 10 a.m. to mark the tenth year since the start of his trial on bribery and breach of trust charges. Judges raised their glasses to a “fair and speedy trial,” which seems to have eluded this case.

Prosecutors vociferously objected to the champagne the judges poured for the toast. It was one of the bottles Bibi and Sara allegedly received as a bribe from their friend and prosecution witness, Arnon Milchan. Defense attorney Amit Hadad parried the objection, claiming the champagne aged well, which is more than you can say about the trial.

The judges declared a short recess to sober up. At 11 a.m., the prosecution called Bibi’s former elementary school classmate, Ed Zomem, to the stand. Zomem testified that he caught Bibi cheating on a third-grade math test by whispering an answer to a puzzled classmate. Netanyahu said Ed Zomem was living up to his name as a conspiratorial witness because the incident he referred to occurred in fifth grade, not third. And Zomem couldn’t have witnessed it because he had transferred to another school by then.

Playing Politics with Milk: Ben and Jerry’s Go Sour

(Iran) In a bid for support from the international community to regain control of their ice-cream empire from Unilever, Ben and Jerry’s announced they will stop purchasing milk from Israeli cows who graze on occupied Palestinian lands in Judea and Samaria.

Dubbed “Not One Blade of Grass,” the company said financier George Soros invested $10 billion to promote its boycott.

President Trump quickly reacted, imposing a whopping 200 percent tariff on all Ben and Jerry’s brands and ordering an immediate halt to federal funding of their home state of Vermont.

In his last act as Canada’s prime minister, Justin Trudeau encouraged Ben and Jerry not to back down and offered to make Vermont Canada’s 11th province if Trump followed through on his threat to cut federal aid.

OU’s Shul Efficiency Program Hands Gabbaim Sweeping Powers

Inspired by federal reforms, a Department of Gabbaim’s Efficiency has come into being designed to make shuls run more smoothly. Under the new rules, only one person per family can circle the bimah for hoshanas to drive down congestion, serial leining correctors will be fined for every interjection, and anyone caught snoozing through the rabbi’s derashah will be liable to increased membership fees. Commenting on the measures, veteran gabbai Mr. Avi Nopatience said, “We are grateful to DOGE officials for identifying excessive time wasting in shuls and look forward to working with them to further improve the efficiency of our shuls.”

MAHA Movement Gains Steam

Descendants of the alte heim form historic alliance with The Schmaltz Stop and Boro Park’s Traditional Tablecloth Center to Make America Heimish Again..

For immediate action: a ban on all colored tablecloths (all those dyed fabrics contaminate your children’s concept of kavod Shabbos), a nationwide confiscation of canola oil (schmaltz is sooo much closer to organic unprocessed shtetl fare), and a trade-in of all ultra-processed beverages in exchange for seltzer with a spritz of raspberry syrup.

Also under consideration: a campaign to “Send the Sushi Back” to Japan and restore gefilte fish to its rightful place, and a plan to get rid of all shots except for shots of bronfen (the original and best painkiller).

Remember, it’s your children’s future at stake. What wouldn’t you do far di kinder?

Whatever the Weather

Powered by Prophets of Gloom Meteorological Services

United States

Washington, D.C. – sudden storms, rapid climate change

Los Angeles – very, very, very hot, with a chance of foam

New York – raining on everyone’s parade

Mexico

Floods of ICE

Mideast 

Sunni all over, with a scattering of Shiites

China

Low-flying cloud cover

Britain

Depression moving in, leaving grey skies and low spirits

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(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1053)