Universities Ask Jewish Students to Self-Identify to Prevent Violence Against Those Who “Only Appear to Be Jewish”

(Agencies) The National Commission for Higher Education has issued a plea to university students from the Jewish community to wear a distinguishing mark to prevent “violence against those who only appear Jewish.”

A senior source within the Commission revealed that since October 7, many non-Jewish students have fallen victim to violence “by mistake.” “A German exchange student, whose last name is Berman, was violently assaulted, and the unfortunate fellow is Lutheran,” they confirmed.

While the Commission stressed that they aim to end violence against Jews as well, they explained that “we have to start somewhere.”

They recommended that a good symbol for identification might be the Star of David, “worn with pride, of course.” Some suggested the stars be yellow, as it’s a color “that’s trending.”

UN Report: “Hitler Committed Unjustifiable Excesses”

(Geneva) Months after acknowledging Hamas’s violence against Israel, the United Nations once again brought joy to the Jewish community by presenting a highly critical preliminary report against Nazi policies. “We are not afraid to acknowledge that Adolf Hitler’s government committed excesses,” declared UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres.

UN sources hastened to clarify, however, that this is only a preliminary report, as they aim to include the voices of many Nazis who, they said, “acted in good faith.”

Additionally, they emphasized the importance of not ignoring the role Jews played in fomenting hatred: “On many occasions, such as in the Warsaw Ghetto, Jews themselves incited violence.”

Chuck Schumer Says Israel Is an Obstacle for Peace “Because It Has Elections”

(New York) Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer reiterated that Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is a “major obstacle for peace” in the Middle East because he, unlike Palestinian leaders, “is democratically elected.” “There are situations that are easier to resolve with leaders who aren’t dependent on votes, as is the case in most Arab countries,” Schumer reportedly said behind closed doors.

An advisor to Schumer explained the senator’s words: “In Arab countries, leaders do as they please. But then Bibi comes along and knows he has to answer to his electorate. It’s very difficult to negotiate like that.”

Faced by pushback from within the Orthodox community for his comments, Schumer’s office responded: “The Senator won’t take lectures on his Jewish bona fides from anyone — we all know he’s the Schumer Yisrael.”

51 Former Intel Officials: “Trump is 13 Years Older Than Biden”

By Med’I A. Bias

(White House, D.C.) Four years after releasing the bombshell report that swayed the 2020 election by confirming that the Hunter Biden laptop was a Russian plant, the same mysterious group of former intelligence officials has struck again with another earthshaking disclosure: Donald Trump is actually 13 years older than President Biden and thus his age presents a national-security threat to America.

“We, the 51 undersigned pillars and panjandrums of the intelligence and foreign policy community, who risked our lives in countless classified missions for the United States, have been made aware that Donald Trump is in fact 94 years old — a full 13 years older than President Biden. As such, it is our assessment that Trump’s renewed bid for the presidency should be invalidated based on the 25th Amendment.”

“Despite the fact that this disclosure is sweet revenge for Donald Trump’s false ‘birtherist’ allegations about President Obama’s birthplace,” the former intelligence figures concluded their open letter with a Lincolnesque flourish, “the above assessment is motivated by simple patriotism, and malice toward none.”

The new report is notably well-timed for the Biden campaign, coming as almost 70 percent of Americans say that the current president is too old to do the job — but mainstream pundits dismiss any link.

“This highly credible disclosure ought to put to rest the really ridiculous chatter about President Biden’s age and mental faculties,” says Dawn Acheson, White House correspondent for Politruk. “In all my years as an impartial political correspondent, I’ve never, ever seen a president who was so youthful as Biden — and that includes JFK!”

In an exclusive, off-the-record conversation, one of the 51 former spies gave an insight into the nature of the intelligence that underpins the claims about Trump’s age.

“It goes back to Trump’s proven ties with Vladimir Putin,” says the source, a former spymaster who achieved renown in the intelligence community by going undercover as a babushka in the Cold War-era Kremlin.

“Think about it, how does Putin still look so young? Forget plastic surgery — it’s because he takes daily doses of Novichok, the nerve agent normally used to assassinate Russian dissidents in Britain. A closely guarded FSB secret is that Novichok — when combined with borscht — actually works as an age-reducing drug. So, it’s very simple: Trump has been taking the Novi-borscht combo and is getting younger every year.”

Another source who declined to talk on the record confirms the hypothesis about the wonder drug. He points to the recent, suspicious death of onetime Putin ally and Wagner mercenary boss Yevgeny Prigozhin, whose midair death was presumed revenge by the Russian leader for an abortive coup last year.

“They didn’t call him ‘Putin’s Chef’ just because he made a fortune in catering for the Russian government,” the source says. “It’s because he played around with the nuclear cocktail and discovered the regenerative powers of Novi-borscht, and that made him a tremendous threat to Putin.

“Imagine what an enemy of the Russian dictator could do? He might open the Kremlin mausoleum and give some Novi-borscht to the embalmed cadaver of Mikhael Gorbachev, and — hop! — just like that, glasnost would be back.”

Going forward, the 51 former spies vowed to keep up their campaign against the return of Trump — especially in light of the dangers of Trump and Putin’s eternal youth. “We swore to protect this country, and we’ll do it at any cost,” said the unnamed officials “even that of our anonymous reputations.”

Americans Seek Mexican Citizenship for Backdoor Benefits

By Hava Tortilla

(Mexico City) In a startling twist in America’s immigration crisis, thousands of US citizens are lining up at the US embassy in Mexico City to seek Mexican citizenship. As reports suggest, the primary motive behind this unprecedented move is to then recross the border, this time as undocumented immigrants, and thus avail themselves of the vast benefits offered by the United States.

“My great-great-grandfather was named José. I lost the papers, but I can say, ‘amigo,’ and, ‘muchas gracias,’” asserted a man who preferred to be identified simply as Joe.

Another individual in the queue clarified that while he lacks Mexican ancestry, he “self-identifies” as Mexican. “If that’s enough to alter fundamental details of identity documents, it ought to suffice for citizenship applications,” he declared.

The vast majority of those in line do not own their own homes and struggle with health insurance payments. Their newfound status as undocumented immigrants is sure to provide a boost to their welfare.

United Shirtfronts

By I’m-it Segal

(The Knesset, Jerusalem) A leaked recording of an early meeting of Israel’s war cabinet provides a real-time insight into one of the most crucial initial decisions made by the country’s top leaders as they prepared the IDF to strike Hamas: what color shirts to wear.

Observers noted the united front staged by the country’s senior leadership, as they prosecuted the war clad in identical black shirts. But up to this point, there’s been no word as to the intense negotiations behind the policy. Now courtesy of a Bavli Onion scoop, the backstory is out. A leaked recording picks up the voices of Bibi, Defense Minister Yoav Galant, and Blue White Party leader Benny Gantz discussing the issue.

The following transcript has been lightly edited for clarity.

Bibi: It’s a big decision – it will affect our international image.

Gantz: What decision – whether to attack Hezbollah at the same time as going for Hamas in Gaza?

Galant: Yes! We will wipe out Hezbollah, Hamas and the Houthis in one hour ! No one threatens Israel and lives!

Bibi: No, no, the international image question is what we wear. The eyes of the world are on us. Think of how Zelensky’s olive green uniform dominated the news cycle.

Gantz: but that’s different, because he was a comedian – he could get away with things like that.

Galant: You’re also a joker, we need to attack Hezbollah, Hamas and the Houthis – in the next hour!

Bibi: Yoav, calm down. We need to make a rational decision – something that projects a united front and resolve. Think about it: Churchill had his indomitable scowl and cigar, Moshe Dayan had his eyepatch – we must have our own symbol.

Gantz: I vote we wear something matching; that way if we leave our shirts at home, we can borrow each other’s.

Galant: Yes, that way whether we attack Hezbollah, Hamas or the Houthis –

Bibi: Yoav, enough! You know we can’t launch a three-front war. Anyway, we’ve reached a decision. We’ll all wear matching shirts; now the question is which color. Politicians should only wear serious block colors, like white, blue or black.

Gantz: Let’s wear blue and white, like my party, see? The Blue and White Party!

Bibi: Gantz, why are you playing politics in wartime? There’s no way we’re wearing your party colors. That leaves black. Meeting over.

Squad Demands More Geography Education to Achieve Mideast Peace

By Owen D’Libs

(Hamtramck, MI) Faced with the challenge of thousands unable to discern precisely which “river” and which “sea” feature in the phrase, “from the river to the sea,” the Squad advocates for an expansion of geography hours in high school curricula.

Sources close to AOC denied that any expansion in geography will harm the all-important gender studies classes. They propose cutting math hours instead, asserting that once the tripling of the national minimum wage spreads the wealth all round, “no one will need to count anyway.”

Global Duffle Bag Shortage Announced, Economists Worried

Reports are linking Amazon sellers of the hard-bottomed black duffle bags to savvy investors with a history of winning Chinese auctions and buying bitcoin in 2010. The global production of soft luggage spiked in an effort to keep up with the outrageous demand, but as a shortage looms, experts say the market might take a hit. Luckily, at least every Israeli man, woman, and child is equipped to pack for summer camp at a moment’s notice.

Man Accidentally Lives In Wrong House

By Heim-ish Cohen

(New Jersey) Confusion in Lakewood yesterday as Moshe Klein, 37, accidentally walked into his neighbor’s empty house and didn’t realize until eight hours later. “We live in a development, so how should I have known?” asks a bewildered Klein, father of six. “We both have the same abstract Kosel painting with gold foil accents hanging over the same navy velvet couch in the living room, and the same marble and white kitchen,” he adds. Klein realized his mistake when his wife called him later that evening, asking when he would be home for dinner.

DAN WITHOUT A DEAL: El Al Flight Costs At All-Time High

As war in Israel rages on, American balabatim are feeling increasing pressure to visit the Homeland and do their part. But with commercial flights still limited and costing more than ever before, the public is getting tense. While some have taken to calling Kenny directly to see what he can do, others are forced to do whatever possible to make sure they’re not the only ones who aren’t posting pictures from the war front. To make it happen, many have moved on to the only acceptable option: chartering a private jet.

“The soldiers need us to bring them Naftali Kempeh and barbecues,” says a Toms River father of five. “The El Al prices are outrageous,”

Frum Podcasts Running Out of Cool-People-with-Crazy-Back-Stories To Highlight, Applicants Welcome

“We don’t NEED you to look exotic, but you’ll receive priority consideration if you do,” reads popular podcast’s help-wanted post on social media.

The podcast world has been setting the bar higher and higher lately. With a regular rotation of eclectic people with a colorful past, listeners have been satisfied until now, but insiders say panic is setting in as the pool of interviewees diminishes quickly.

WORLD RECORD! Kumzitz-Style Chuppah Reaches Six-Hour Mark

Kallah passes out from intense swaying after fasting all day

At the Brown-Steinberg wedding this week, a new world record was set, with the chuppah stretching to an incredible six hours, complete with singing and dancing.

While the chassan’s friends were totally into it, the father of the kallah was seen shooting some less-than-thrilled looks in his new mechutan’s direction.

Rumor is, however, that he also has a son in shidduchim. Will he cave to the trend in the future? Only time will tell. Sources say the kallah is expected to make a full recovery.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1004)