There was a time when parents feared that giving positive feedback to their child would give the youngster a “swelled head.” Such parents were scrupulous about holding back praise lest it deform their child’s character.

The only problem? It turned out that holding back praise also deforms a child’s character. Many victims of this parenting philosophy grew up with crippling low self-esteem and insecurity. And real consequences accompanied their emotional malaise: People who don’t believe in themselves accomplish less than their potential; they fear the prospect of failure to the point that they may avoid opportunities to learn new things and tackle new challenges.

Low self-esteem can affect interpersonal relationships as well, sometimes causing people to be oversensitive and highly reactive, and at other times leading people to tolerate abusive behavior. Of course, insecurity can also arise from genetic causes, but even then, environmental experiences can worsen or help soften the condition.

The Swelled Head

The concept that praising and complimenting might make a child take himself a bit too seriously does, however, arise out of a legitimate concern. Narcissism — the ultimate swelled head — occurs when a person feels that she is special, better, and more deserving than others. Recent research has shown that some parental praising styles actually foster adult narcissism in children who are genetically vulnerable to it.

Specifically, telling a certain type of child that she is better than others, can give her an enduring inflated sense of self. With this kind of child — and therefore with all children, since we can’t see their genetic structure — it’s best to refrain from saying things like, “You’re so special,” or “You’re the best artist.”

Don’t make comparisons. It’s sufficient to say, “Wow! What a nice picture! I love the color you chose for the flower!” There’s no harm in adding, “You’re such an artist!” In fact, adding a descriptive personality trait like “You’re very kind” or “You’re smart,” is always fine when it immediately follows a specific example of the behavior such as, “You figured it out by yourself! You’re a good problem-solver.” Even saying things like, “You’re adorable!” is fine. It’s just a statement of affection.

The Complisult

Praise that acknowledges performance is not only harmless, but it is actually important to the learning process. “You did a great job washing your dish — I see you removed every speck of food,” tells a child what he did right. And because praise feels good, it helps build brain circuits to strengthen learning. However, praise can have more than a simple educational effect; it can also affect the nature of relationships.

“My father has always had trouble saying something that was exclusively nice. He’d say something like, ‘For someone who’s all thumbs, I have to say you did a good job putting that table together.’ His compliments always make me feel bad.”

The kind of praise that is sometimes called “a backhanded compliment” produces a mixed good and bad feeling that ends up feeling mostly bad. I call it a “complisult” — a combination of a compliment and an insult. “Your new glasses are so much better than your old ones!” is a complisult. These remarks should not be used at all. Just say the good-feeling part: “Your new glasses are very flattering!” Again, refrain from comparisons.

Everyday Praise

When a spouse makes a meal on a daily basis, it deserves a “thank-you” on a daily basis as well. It’s important that children see their parents thanking and complimenting each other for routine acts so that they learn how to thank everyone — and Hashem in particular — for everything.

“Of course my mother paid our cleaning lady for the work she did, but she thanked her whenever she came, and she always commented on how nice a job she did. ‘Thank-you’ was so much a part of my upbringing.

When I got married, my husband never said ‘thank-you’ for anything. When I protested he told me that you don’t have to thank people for doing things they’re supposed to do. That’s how he was raised. I think gratitude and acknowledgment need to be cultivated. And there’s no need to be stingy! It costs nothing to give a compliment and yet these comments ‘buy’ so much. They make the world a warmer, kinder place. Why hold back?”

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 598)