SPEAK YOUR PEACE Nonassertiveness creates a lack of self-esteem which leads to anger hurt or self-pity and increases tension and anxiety

Scenario: You urgently need a new iron. Your neighbor is going to be driving to the mall during your lunch break; she offers to pick you up at noon and take you there. But come 12 p.m. she doesn’t appear.

Twenty minutes later she calls: “Sorry. Something unavoidable.” Trouble is... it’s her third “something unavoidable” recently.

You say “Okay don’t worry. These things happen.” Then you slam the phone down and exclaim “Ugghh! She’s totally unreliable!”

Why do we say things like “Okay don’t worry” when we’re clearly upset? Why do we have trouble speaking up for ourselves? Assertiveness trainers Ken and Kate Back authors of Assertiveness at Work: A Practical Guide to Handling Awkward Situations (McGraw-Hill 1982) point to a number of factors. They explain that people communicate in one of three modes — nonassertive aggressive or assertive — and how we communicate is underpinned by certain beliefs that we hold consciously or subconsciously.

A nonassertive woman for instance typically believes that her needs thoughts and feelings are not that important but other people’s are and that she has little to contribute whereas others have a great deal to offer. Her aim is to avoid conflict and please others so she negates her own feelings and won’t stand up for herself — or does so in a manner that others can easily disregard. She expresses herself in diffident or self-effacing ways. “Um. I’m not sure about a meeting tomorrow... I’m really sort of a bit busy... although I know I’m nowhere near as busy as you”—little laugh—”ummm... okay — if it’s really important I suppose I could squeeze it in somewhere...”

The Backs point out something interesting: when we don’t assert ourselves we sometimes experience pleasant after-effects — such as reduced anxiety because we’ve avoided a difficult situation; a sense of relief because we’ve escaped the guilt that could result from saying no; and a feeling of pride as in Look how much I take on! — which just reinforce the behavior. Other people might also unknowingly encourage our nonassertiveness by praising us: “You’re so good — you’re always taking on extras.”

Ultimately though nonassertiveness creates a lack of self-esteem which leads to anger hurt or self-pity and increases tension and anxiety. A nonassertive woman turns herself into a puppet easily manipulated by other people. Also while initially people may feel sorry for her eventually they may become irritated by her behavior and doubt her integrity finding it difficult to ascertain what she really thinks or feels. They may believe that she will say one thing to them but something else to others — not a great recipe for trust or respect.

According to the Backs the aggressive woman — at the other end of the spectrum —believes that her needs are more important than others and that only she has something to contribute. Her aim is to win — at the expense of others if necessary.

Aggression can also stem from poor self-image. In their book the Backs write: “If your self-esteem is low then you will feel an uncomfortable degree of anxiety in certain situations. You will feel threatened by that situation and the people in it. When you feel threatened you either hit out (aggressive) or you ‘turn into yourself’ for protection (nonassertive).”

We might also behave aggressively when we deal with a strong individual and believe that the only way to convey our message is through aggression; or because we feel passionately about something and don’t stop to consider — or don’t know — how to express ourselves more appropriately.

Aggressive people push for their own needs at the expense of others — perhaps hurting or humiliating others and ignoring others’ needs opinions and feelings. They express themselves in inappropriate ways e.g.: “There’s no way I’m coming to a meeting tomorrow! And why on earth are you organizing this at such short notice?!”

We all know people who succeed through hostility or intimidation. So if aggression works why shouldn’t we use it?

“Yes aggression can work in some situations... you achieve your objectives you get what you want out of a situation” says Kate Back. “However this is usually at a price. This price includes negative effects often in terms of the relationship.”

It’s hard to build a secure trusting rapport with an aggressive person; if you’re aggressive people’s relationships with you are likely to be laced with apprehension. Those who are afraid to tackle you openly might do so passively — undermining you behind your back not cooperating and being unwilling to help you out.

The assertive woman stands in the center of the spectrum. When you’re assertive you recognize that you have needs to be met... and so do others; that you have something to contribute... and so do others. Your aim is to satisfy as far as possible the needs and wants of both parties.

Assertiveness sometimes has a bad name. People use the term to describe someone forceful and brusque — when what they really mean is aggressiveness. Women in particular sometimes struggle with assertiveness believing it will make them sound unfeminine or unlikeable. But an assertive woman need not sound forceful. She will express herself in open direct and appropriate ways without being offensive: “I understand you’d like to arrange a meeting but I’m working under a lot of pressure at the moment and I can’t see myself fitting it in tomorrow. Can we rearrange it for next week? Or perhaps we can talk on the phone?”

Interestingly we’re unlikely to behave in only one manner all the time. “Each person’s behavior is likely to be a mixture of the three options available” explain the Backs. “It’s during what you perceive to be difficult situations that the aggressive or nonassertive behaviors come to the fore. Being more assertive is about spreading your assertive behavior into these difficult situations.”

Developing an assertive voice requires work but has untold benefits — among them greater self-worth and increased confidence in dealing with difficult situations. When you make your views and needs known you feel good about yourself and the situation instead of constantly rehashing it in your mind and berating yourself. (“I shouldn’t have let her walk all over me! Why didn’t I just say...?”)

It also means that because other people know where they stand with you they’re more likely to trust and respect you. Being assertive enables you to ask for help and make requests to show justifiable annoyance and even to give and receive compliments.