Before talking numbers, we need to ask a more basic question: Why are we sending our daughters to seminary at all?

M

ost people my age remember exactly where they were when 9/11 happened. I was in 11th grade, sitting in beis medrash when the news spread, and we sat in stunned disbelief.

At 39, I’ve discovered another, far less publicized life milestone: the moment a teenage daughter tells her father, “You were right.” You sit there quietly, wondering what rare alignment of the universe has just occurred.

It happened when my daughter, who was in a North American seminary, returned from a monthlong trip to Eretz Yisrael as part of a program that condensed the highlights of a seminary year (kevarim, gedolim, world-renowned lecturers) into an intense, inspiring four weeks.

Why was her admission so significant? Because when she started 12th grade, I told her that sending her to seminary in Eretz Yisrael would cost me about C$50,000 (we live in Toronto) — and that was just for one daughter. With five daughters, the math was simple, and frightening. Even with Hashem’s brachah in parnassah, there’s a difference between mesirus nefesh and financial self-destruction. I explained that there are strong Torah institutions here in North America, and that choosing a local option did not mean giving up on a meaningful year. I am sure I do not need to tell you how that went over.

What Are We Sending Them For?

Before talking numbers, we need to ask a more basic question: Why are we sending our daughters to seminary at all?

For most, it’s meant to be a year immersed in ruchniyus — the final year of formal chinuch before marriage and family life. It should equip them with Torah knowledge, strengthen their middos, and give them clarity and confidence as future wives and mothers in Klal Yisrael.

If that’s the goal, then the next question is: What kind of setting will give her the richest possible experience in Torah and personal growth?

I’ve seen firsthand that this can be achieved locally. In my daughter’s case, her seminary, Maayanos Seminary in Toronto, offered access to highly respected rabbanim and mechanchim — talmidei chachamim with decades of practical experience guiding young women. At the helm are Rav Moshe Falk and Mrs. Chani Kamenetzsky, both respected educators. There was a dormitory experience that wasn’t just about convenience — as one teacher put it, “The dormitory is the beis medrash for middos.” It was a year that combined serious learning with real-life growth — without the passport stamps.

And the results? Graduates who are true bnos Yisrael, grounded in Torah and middos, ready to build beautiful homes.

The Reality We Avoid

Now, back to the numbers. I’m not here to pasken where anyone should send their daughter, but I have seen the toll this takes on families. For many, spending this kind of money on one child for one year is simply not viable — not without ignoring other obligations or convincing yourself the credit card bill is a “test of bitachon.”

Even among high earners, expenses keep climbing — camps, simchahs, tuition, clothing — and seminary can be the tipping point. In my work helping foundations build software systems to streamline the assessment process of financial need, I’ve seen families earning $300K a year still list “daughter in seminary” as a reason they need assistance. When the so-called “standard” requires outside help for even those who are in the top two percent of income earners in the United States, maybe it’s time to question the standard.

The most common pushback is predictable: “But what about shidduchim? Don’t we need to look normal?”

Here’s my perspective:

“Normal” is a setting on a washing machine. Look for “real.” Look for Torah. Look for someone who sees a bas Yisrael as more than her travel itinerary.

Maybe it’s not the chisaron you think it is. My daughter didn’t go to seminary in Eretz Yisrael. She nonetheless got married — to a fine ben Torah from a beautiful family.

Instead of checking boxes, open yourself up to a wider discussion. Maybe — just maybe — if we stopped asking, “Why didn’t she go to Eretz Yisrael?” we’d not only broaden the definition of a good shidduch, but also ease some of the pressures feeding the shidduch crisis. Sometimes the reason is simple: The family wanted to show that living within one’s means is a Torah value, that parents should not be crushed by financial strain, and that a home filled with simchas hachayim is worth more than an impressive airline ticket.

If a prospective chassan’s deciding factor is that a girl studied in Yerushalayim instead of Lakewood or Toronto, that’s less a shidduch crisis and more a priorities crisis.

An Ad Kan Moment

This isn’t a call to abolish seminaries in Eretz Yisrael. For some girls, they provide unparalleled inspiration and growth. But we need to broaden the conversation.

There are excellent seminaries here in North America where girls can thrive in Torah, middos, and personal growth — without placing crushing burdens on their families. We owe it to our children to show that financial responsibility and yiras Shamayim go hand in hand. There is an ad kan in spending, and crossing it doesn’t make us better parents — it just sets the next generation up to repeat the same mistakes.

We all know deep down that the real goal of seminary isn’t to say, “She went to Eretz Yisrael.” It’s to see her emerge as a proud, capable bas Yisrael, ready to build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael. And that, baruch Hashem, can be achieved right here at home.

And if you make that choice, and your daughter one day says, “You were right”? Frame it. That may be the most valuable souvenir of all

Avraham Levinson is a software architect living in Toronto, Ontario.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1081)