"I can't forgive him" — and other questions for Elul

I know a vital part of teshuvah is azivas hacheit, but I also know that it’s unrealistic that I’ll never speak lashon hara again. I feel like a hypocrite.

There are many levels to the teshuvah process. Teshuvah gemurah is the highest level and one only achieves that when his teshuvah is so sincere and real that Hashem Himself would testify that he won’t repeat the sin. But the great chesed Hashem does with us every year, the chiddush of Yom Kippur, is that He allows us to come closer to Him and ask for forgiveness even though He recognizes that the process is likely only temporary. All He’s asking for is a sincere effort and genuine resolve to overcome the temptation to sin, and that process, along with the tremendous power of Yom Kippur, is sufficient for Him to accept our teshuvah, a teshuvah she’einah gemurah, despite its imperfection and incompleteness.

Unfortunately, this year, a neighbor and I had to go to beis din regarding a monetary matter. Beis din ruled in our favor, but I know my neighbor is still upset with us. I don’t know if I should ask her for forgiveness, as it’ll bring up the uncomfortable issue again. At the same time, I don’t want to go into the Yamim Noraim knowing someone doesn’t forgive me.

If you feel that you’ve in some way offended or hurt her, you should ask for forgiveness, even though you won your monetary case in beis din. While beis din resolves financial disputes, it’s still possible that you’ve done something hurtful on a personal level.

But if you’re certain that you did nothing wrong on a personal level, but you were forced to go to beis din because she damaged you and refused to settle or negotiate, then you don’t need to ask for forgiveness at all. On the contrary, she needs to ask for forgiveness from you. Some people mistakenly think suing in beis din to resolve disputes is something to avoid, often proudly proclaiming that they never have, nor will they ever, sue another Jew in beis din. Nothing could be further from the truth. The only real way to resolve disputes is to present the issue to beis din (or a mutually agreed upon arbitrator) and meticulously follow their ruling. An unresolved dispute will fester resentment and eventual hatred, which is forbidden min HaTorah according to all opinions.

Every Elul I feel overwhelmed because I know I’ve sinned in almost everything at least on some level. How do I do teshuvah for everything? What should I focus on?

You should focus on the fact that you’re not a “sinner” but have unfortunately temporarily succumbed to temptation against your better judgment. Obsessive thoughts about being a “sinner” are also a sin.

If I feel like I’ve done teshuvah gemurah on a certain issue, am I allowed to put myself back in that same situation to test myself to see if I’ve really succeeded?

Absolutely not. A person may never intentionally place himself in a compromised position where he could possibly fail, since ultimately the yetzer hara will almost always be more powerful than one’s greatest resolve. The only effective protection against the yetzer hara is by shielding ourselves from his influence in our lives and homes.

My son has been bullied for several years by the same boy. Now that’s he’s become bar mitzvah, he told me he won’t forgive this child. How do I respond? Is it okay to not want to forgive someone?

If the bully is remorseful, it’s not okay to not forgive him. But at this point, your son is probably not mature enough to understand the great benefit that he’ll gain by forgiving the bully. Wait a few years, and then explain to him that letting go of his anger and forgiving will make him a better person and will allow him to move on and grow.

I commute daily from Lakewood to Manhattan in a hired car. With my tight early morning schedule, I only find time to daven in the car. Is this permitted?

Davening Shemoneh Esreh while sitting is allowed under extenuating circumstances only. If this is the only way you can daven, then it’s permitted.

I want to add a tefillah to my day during Elul. Is it better to add Minchah or Maariv?

Davening Minchah daily is an obligation for every woman unless she’s busy with childcare during the entire time that Minchah could be davened. Davening Maariv for women is optional. So if you’re looking to enhance your Elul, and you have time in the afternoon, then daven Minchah. Otherwise add Maariv.

We’re newlyweds and want to know if we need to give maaser from our wedding gifts.

In general, maaser is given from all monetary gifts, but not from items that you receive as gifts. If the monetary gifts that you received are intended to support you and your husband while in kollel, then you don’t need to give maaser if doing so will not allow you to support yourselves properly.

I have a significant amount of money I’d like to give to tzedakah. I know I have family members who could use the help, but I’d like to do something with more impact like adopt a kollel or something like that. May I choose which speaks to me more?

Poor or needy family members take priority over any other tzedakah obligation. So if you have a limited amount of money to give to tzedakah, give it to a needy family member. If you have a large amount, divide the money between family members and a tzedakah that appeals to you.

Can I deduct the money I give in support of my married kollel children from my maser obligations?

If at the time you undertook to support your children in kollel you had in mind to use maaser funds toward that end, you may do so. But if you were planning to use your own funds, you can’t pay yourself back from maaser funds. Under special circumstances, a sh’eilah should be asked.

I never know what to do when people come to collect tzedakah at my door. I generally only like giving when I can verify that the cause is legitimate, but isn’t it wrong to just turn someone away who took the time to come to the door?

The appropriate solution is to give something small to each person who is collecting at your door. Bear in mind, though, that you’re not obligated to answer your door to a collector if you’re in the middle of serving a meal or otherwise busy with your family or childcare. You’re allowed to set up a certain time during the day or night to be available for tzedakah collectors, and if they come at any other time, you’re not required to drop everything you’re doing to answer each request.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 910)