Bipartisanship is one of the things that’s going to take me to victory in November

I admit it. I was taken aback.

What? Change my name? But you do what you have to do for the good of your country. Besides, after my initial shock, I was ashamed. I mean, it really is a small price to pay for the honor, not to mention the world historic challenge, placed before me.

By the time you read this, I don’t know if the news will be out. But whether it is or not, you all know it’s coming. The search is on — well, it was on, before they called me — for a replacement for President Joe Biden on the Democratic ticket for the 2024 election. All that stuff you read about Kamala Harris is a feint.

Before I get into the details of the incredible phone call, inviting — actually, demanding — that I run, I must say, we all need to honor Joe Biden for his uncountable contributions, humbly promoted and blatantly humble. It’s really sad that Mr. Biden has to step down. As Mitch McConnell said upon his own retirement from the leadership of the Republican Party, “Father Time remains undefeated.”

Speaking of McConnell, bipartisanship is one of the things that’s going to take me to victory in November.

But I get ahead of myself.

You see, I get this call. First, I thought it was a crank call. I mean, who calls me up and tells me I have to be ready to be drafted to replace the president at the top of the ticket?

Who, me? What is this?

So I hang up.

I get enough crank calls. I’m sure you do, too. You probably don’t pick up if you don’t recognize the number. But I’m old-fashioned. If someone is calling me, I figure it might be important. So I pick up. If it’s the Fraternal Order of North Sectional Police or the Freedom for Imprisoned Cats, I just tell them to send me an envelope and I can figure it out later and be done with it.

But anyway, they call back. They say they are the leaders of the Democratic Party and the chief honchos in the White House, on a joint call to me. They are insistent. They need to talk to me. It’s serious. I don’t remember exactly what words they used to make me think it was for real, not another phony fundraiser.

Soon enough, I’m listening. They start telling me all the negatives I don’t have. Obviously, they’ve done their homework. And they’re telling me my advantages not only over Biden but also over Trump:

• I am not a convicted felon.
• Nor are any of my children.
• I am coherent. (This is what qualifies a person to run for president these days? But I keep this to myself.)
• I don’t even know how to use a teleprompter.
• I have not been charged in a court of law with falsifying whatever; nor, obviously, would I make a not-nice telephone call to the president of Ukraine— a Member of the Tribe!
• Speaking of which, it seems to be a requirement for a president these days to have a Jewish grandkid or a Jewish son-in-law or daughter-in-law, or Jewish something, and I’m being told I’ve got both Biden and Trump beat on that score, in spades.
• My yearbook is clean. (Boy, these guys are thorough, I think to myself. They got a hold of my high school yearbook? Wow! What I kept to myself, though, is that once in sixth grade, I was accused of cheating at tetherball. I’m not saying I did! Don’t get me wrong. But I was accused. Anyway, they didn’t check further back than high school, so I didn’t bring it up.)
• I actually have a couple of friends who are Republicans and a couple of friends who are Democrats— they named them! This is very unusual in presidential races these days; a real plus for running a successful, above-the-gutter campaign.
• I don’t own a Corvette or a luxury tower, so it’s hard to pin special-interest corruption on me.
• Now, most important of all, really decisive, deal-making, the straw that breaks the camel’s back: I have no voting record! And no presidential record! Nobody knows what I stand for. Nobody can say I voted for this or against that, or I did this and not that. I have offended no constituencies! I’ve never even been a member of a homeowner’s association.

Perfect.

After telling me all the negatives I don’t have, they start telling me the positives I do have. The list is not too long. On purpose. A short positive list is a big plus, because what one person thinks is a positive, the next voter doesn’t. So they just say (again, they did their research!):

• I can speak in public.
• I can hire good people.

That’s it.

So, of course — now they home in for the hard sell — I’ll run instead of Biden, right? I agree, right?

I admit, it was pretty shocking. But then I started thinking. The White House is really nice digs (even if only temporary). I’ve always admired good oil paintings, and the White House has a ton of them.

Plus, I hear, the exercise room there is really good.

Okay, if they think I am the one who can take the country in the right direction, then of course, I’ll do it. But first, I tell them, I’ve got to call my wife. I know she won’t want to take an exit from Denver. But on the other hand, she’ll be closer to all but one of our kids, and closer to her good friends since kindergarten, Shelly, Janet, and Rita (though not Harriet).

But then comes the zinger. I knew this was all too good to be true. They tell me: I must change my name! (I don’t tell them I’m not going to change how I’m called up to the Torah, but they won’t know about that anyway.)

I’m really taken aback. Why do I have to change my name? And what must I change it to? No more “Hillel Goldberg”?

Well, they say, I have to change my name, because it’s really the best guarantee I’ll win, all of my non-negatives and two positives notwithstanding.

So, again, what do I have to change my name to?

They tell me. It’s super awkward. But I have to admit — it will guarantee my victory. My new name, candidate for president of the United States, on the ballot, will read:

None of the Above.

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg is the editor and publisher of the Intermountain Jewish News, for which he has written a weekly column, “View from Denver,” since 1972, and the author of numerous seforim about the mussar movement and other subjects.
His column will appear once a month.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1021)