Family members aren’t always nice to each other. Spouses make hurtful remarks to their partners, parents make hurtful remarks to their kids, and kids make hurtful remarks to both their parents and their siblings. Why does this hurtful communication occur? Penina: Shaya, can you please take your papers off the table so I can set it for dinner? Shaya: Sure, after I’ve finished my coffee. Penina (irritably, with grumpy facial expression): Fine. I’ll do it myself then. I can’t wait all day. Shaya: Why do you have to snap at me? I said I’d do it in a minute. I hate when you get all mean to me. Penina: Oh, and now you’re calling me “mean”? Who’s doing the snapping here? Shaya: I don’t know what’s wrong with you! Everything has to be a fight. I said I’d do it but you can’t wait two measly seconds. Fine, if you want me to do it right now, I will. I can’t enjoy my coffee anymore anyway. You’ve ruined it for me. Penina: Don’t do me any favors. I don’t need your help. And as far as ruining things, you’re the one who ruins everything. You never do a single thing I ask.
The Meaning Behind Mean
How does a fight like this happen? Let’s retrace this couple’s steps. Penina politely asks her husband to clear his end of the table. So far so good. He agrees. Nice. And he says he’ll do it as soon as he’s finished his coffee. Not so nice. Something about this comment is a trigger for Penina because she gets all huffy. From her reaction, we can guess that Shaya typically takes a very long time to sip his coffee. She retorts that she can’t “wait all day.” Shaya calls his wife’s comment “mean.” Of course, she takes offense to the insult. Name-calling is mean! But if Penina were to examine her words through some sort of instant replay, she’d see that in fact, they weren’t exactly kind or friendly. Her tone of voice, facial expression, and insulting implication (“I can’t wait all day”) combine to create a hurtful, mean-spirited communication.
Other Alternatives
Penina is a lovely person, beloved by her children, extended family, close friends, and — apart from those times when she speaks in a mean way to her husband — by Shaya as well. Moreover, she isn’t pleased with her own behavior, although she’s not ready to admit it to her husband. What Penina doesn’t say is that she’s very frustrated with Shaya. Her “mean” remark means something; it’s meaningful. What she could have said but didn’t was, “Shaya I need you to help right now, not in five or ten minutes. Whenever I ask you for your help, you make me wait. I resent your leaving your papers all over the table all day. I’d like to live in a clean house. You’ve already upset me by leaving this mess here, and now, when I ask you to move it so we can sit down for our meal, you dillydally. “You know I’m working against a deadline. I can’t afford the luxury of sipping coffee right now because I’ve got to get a meal together and serve it in a timely fashion to the children who are working against their own deadlines. So, when you sit there and say you’ll clean up once you’ve finished your luxurious coffee break, I’m so full of resentment that I want to scream! But I don’t scream. What I do instead, is convey all this meaning in my mean remark.”
Laden with Meaning
Sarcastic comments, digs, words mumbled under the breath, and other “mean” ways of communicating, are always meaningful. They’re replacements for honest — and much lengthier — communications about feelings and sensitive issues that occur within family relationships. In order to put an end to unpleasant quips, we must face those issues and talk about them respectfully. Sometimes, that will require professional help, but often it can be done just by admitting that one’s comment was unpleasant and, most importantly, that it has a meaning that must be explored. There’s a reason behind every mean comment. Instead of arguing about the comment, the most productive path is to ask what that meaning is.
