Everyone receives negative feedback. Correction and criticism are part of life. “Hold the pencil this way not that way.” “Say ‘please’ when you want something.” “Please lower your voice.” From the time we are tiny to the time we are old we will be receiving various forms of negative feedback. And we’ll never like it.

Human beings are success-oriented. Failure threatens our survival: Not being able to run fast enough save enough food form relationships make a living or otherwise function well can pose serious risks to our future. Failure feels unpleasant and we therefore try to avoid it at all costs. Try as we might however we will inevitably bump up against many failures and mistakes. We will get it wrong time and time again.

Often we’ll be called on it — called to account for our inadequate performance. “Why did you spend so much money when you knew we were running low?” “Why didn’t you watch the timer like I asked you to? Now dinner is ruined!” “When you scream like that none of us here like you very much.” Not only will we mess things up but we’ll be criticized for doing so. How should we respond?

Form or Content?

Often those who deliver negative feedback do so in a less than satisfactory manner. Due to lack of skill or emotional upset or both they may be unduly harsh unkind loud insulting or hurtful in other ways. They may say way too much and much too often. They may attack personality instead of the issue at hand. In short they may make the process of receiving negative feedback a thousandfold more unpleasant than it needs to be. However there is nothing that the receiver can do about that. Negative feedback will arrive in whatever package it arrives in. It is up to the receiver to respond appropriately.

Receivers who focus on the form of the feedback (“You’re shouting” “Stop calling me names” “Stop going on and on about it”) refuse to deal with the content — the concern being expressed by the speaker. At times they’ll even admit that this is the case: “I’m not listening to you until you say it nicely.” By criticizing the one who is criticizing the receiver effectively stops the communication process. He or she refuses to accept the criticism.

Refusing to acknowledge and process the criticism inevitably causes harm either for the receiver the speaker or the relationship between the two. It isn’t a safe strategy to engage in. For instance a wife may tune her husband out refusing to address any of his concerns. Eventually he may feel so isolated and alone that he prefers to leave the marriage than to continue to plead with her to address the issues that trouble him. Instead of insisting that the speaker say it just right the receiver should first address the issues (acknowledge the problems and resolve to correct them) and THEN ask the speaker to learn better ways of presenting negative feedback.

If the speaker hopes to be received well in the future he or she will accept the invitation to explore kinder communication strategies. Once the speaker has agreed to find out how to communicate in a less harmful way the receiver can remind him or her to use the improved strategies when necessary.

How to Respond to Criticism

Here are some pointers for responding effectively to negative feedback:

• After receiving the criticism REFRAIN FROM SAYING ANYTHING for at least 5 seconds.
• After 5 seconds have passed repeat the criticism in your own words (“So you’re saying that I shouldn’t have spoken to your mother without asking you first” “So you think that I’m acting unfairly”).
• Wait another 5 seconds.
• Even when you totally disagree acknowledge the validity of the feedback in some way (“I can see why you might say that” or “You may have a point” or “Some people might agree with that”).
• Whenever possible ask for time to consider the charge (“Let me think about that and get back to you”).
• Use the time to try to find a way to incorporate the feedback into your life (“I thought about what you said and I think I can improve the way I do that/work with that/react to these situations” etc.) If changing your behavior is fairly easy and doing so will make a family member happy try to do so. If the change being asked for is really hard or completely unnecessary explain your thinking but be prepared to deal with a frustrated family member.
• When too much criticism is being sent your way consider consulting a professional counselor to help assess the situation.