He’s thinks they’re controlling. They may just be clueless

“My in-laws are really nice people and I know they have good intentions. But I really resent them. They do not leave room for ‘no.’ For instance they practically forced us to come with them on a two-week vacation. I never wanted to go but my wife also put pressure on me telling me how great it would be how generous her family is how terrible it would be if we didn’t do it. I felt I had no choice. I went and hated every minute of it. No one in that family can understand why I am so ungrateful and that’s just the point — no one in that family can understand how anyone feels except themselves!”

Interpersonal relationships can never be black or white. We humans are complex and when you put any two of us together that complexity increases exponentially. The only things that are certain are that none of us is perfect and we all make mistakes. Certainly the in-laws in the above example are far from evil people; on the contrary they are obviously loving and kindhearted. However they are lacking in some measure of sensitivity. They somehow come across as too demanding too controlling. This may actually be an innocent error on their part rather than a conscious manipulation.

Middle-aged grandparents may not even realize that a young couple might feel intimidated by them simply due to their age and their status as parents. In some cases the intimidation is augmented by other factors like the children’s financial dependence on them or their social status wealth or lifetime accomplishments. And in some cases the naturally strong personalities (or even just the confidence acquired through maturity) of the older couple may also fuel the power imbalance.

Leveling the Playing Field

Parents who are aware of these factors can take steps to compensate. For instance they can be tentative in their offerings and gracious in accepting refusals. They can ask once and then drop the matter instead of putting out repetitive requests. In other words they can find strategies to give space to their young adult children to respect their freedom and need for independence and even their right to make errors.and learn from them. But then everyone makes mistakes.

This includes the young couple as well. The young man in our example feels overwhelmed by the pressures exerted by his wife and in-laws. He ends up doing what they want him to do and then he transgresses the prohibition of bearing a grudge in the heart — he builds up a resentment toward his in-laws and probably anger toward his wife as well. However in his mind he is a victim a helpless player in his own life. It’s everyone else’s fault. He sees himself as powerless without freedom or resources.

But why? No one is going to whip him if he speaks up. What is he afraid of? Healthy people can stand up for themselves and they can do so in respectful relationship-building ways. This fellow might need to learn how to say “Thanks but no thanks. I really appreciate your generous offer but I’d rather not go on this kind of trip right now.” He also may need to learn to be comfortable with the mild — or even intense — displeasure of others. “You can’t please all the people all the time.”

Of course there is another possibility as well. It is possible that this young man has no flexibility whatsoever. Perhaps he always needs things to go exactly as he wants them to. Maybe everyone has to do everything his way. Maybe in this situation this is one of very few things his in-laws ever asked him to do and maybe he doesn’t want to bend on even these very few things. Maybe his error is not passivity but rather stubbornness. Maybe he needs to learn how to give graciously and without resentment.

And of course all the parties may be making other errors simultaneous errors large errors and small errors. This is the world of dynamic human relationships. The goal is not to become error-free (a human impossibility) but rather to develop an attitude toward the errors of others that is compassionate and forgiving and to use our own errors as an impetus for personal growth.

This is hard work. It’s so easy to judge others negatively easier than focusing on their good points. It’s so easy to judge ourselves positively easier than considering where our own error might be. Moving beyond our natural inclinations however can solve our relationship problems enhance peace and promote growth — huge benefits for a small shift in perspective.