It’s awkward and difficult to inspire others to get help for their emotional and behavioral problems

Q

While many people in my field choose to freelance, I’ve always known that I didn’t want to do that. I’m not a hustler, and I prefer a steady stream of work and a steady paycheck. So I was thrilled to land a job working with a small local firm with a niche specialty that really appealed to me, a great team, and excellent growth opportunities.

Everything seemed perfect, until I realized what a difficult person my boss was. I don’t just mean that she’s demanding; I really wonder if maybe she’s unwell. She’s exacting and can blow up if a project isn’t executed exactly the way she wants it. But despite her strong, sometimes overbearing personality, she also seems incredibly insecure. Although I think that the team does really great work and has a lot to be proud of — the boss seems to feel the need to prove our worth to anyone who will listen. Unfortunately, the way she does so is by blasting the competition. There have been quite a few times when she’s mocked or denigrated our competition when meeting with a client — leaving everyone very uncomfortable. Another sign of her insecurity is that she’s extremely worried that we staffers are conspiring to steal her business or her clients — to the extent that she’ll grill someone after a friendly phone call with a client, demanding to know every detail of what was said and reminding us frequently about our noncompete agreements. I have literally no interest in ever starting a business (which is why I’m working for her!), but she’s accused me of trying to do so, and even asked other coworkers about me when I’m not around. Her moods and tirades have negatively affected the entire office environment.

It’s such a shame, because this firm has so much potential. I have no personal investment in this company anymore; I was just offered another job and am going to give notice here. I’m not the only one — two of my coworkers also plan to leave. (I shudder to think what this will do for her paranoia). And really, much as she’s made my life so difficult this past year, I feel worse for her. She really is a powerhouse and an incredibly talented strategist, but she might lose it all through her paranoia and lack of confidence. Is there any way I can convince her to go for help? Or does she need to realize on her own that she has a problem?

A

When we work with — or live with — intensely disturbed people, we, along with all those who share the working or living environment, suffer. We see how the disturbed person creates chaos. We see how she treads on the feelings of others. We experience the discomfort, anxiety, and rage that her actions provoke. It’s clear to us that her drama, besides being unacceptable, is irrational, destructive, and completely unnecessary.

We want it to stop. We want her to get the help she so obviously and badly needs. We’re sorely tempted to point her in the right direction.

But let’s think this through a little. What would we say? “Um, excuse me? Um... I was just thinking that, you know, a lot of people have complaints about the way you behave... and I was just thinking that this could, you know, change for the good if you would, um, get some help and I happen to have the name of a really good psychiatrist... would you like it?” Or maybe, “Hey. You seem really angry and anxious a lot of the time. Have you ever considered getting help for that?”

As you can see, it’s awkward and difficult to inspire others to get help for their emotional and behavioral problems. And since we’re all a little “off,” we can all imagine how we might feel if someone came up to us and told us that we could be happier and more successful if only we’d get some good professional help. In fact, spouses often try to help their partners with this friendly advice and — well, you can guess how that usually turns out.

And then there’s the old joke: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it has to want to change itself.

The truth is that people have to recognize their own misery in order to be motivated to spend the time, money, and effort on ameliorating it. Like addicts who haven’t yet hit rock bottom, we struggling humans remain in denial — minimizing, blaming others, rationalizing, projecting — to allow ourselves to continue doing what we’re doing.

Eventually, after many serious blows and devastating losses, we may see that what we’re doing isn’t working so well. At that point, we may ask someone for the number to call for some good professional help.

In short, no, don’t help your boss find help for a problem she doesn’t know she has. When she discovers she has a problem, she’ll find the help herself.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 918)