“As if all this isn’t enough last month my daughter’s engagement broke off and she’s an emotional wreck. I know I have to be there for her but honestly I just want her to stop crying and move on.”

Distraught and Disillusioned

Many people believe that “lightning can’t strike in the same place twice” that if one has suffered a severe blow one ought to be exempt from further suffering.

The logic appeals to our common sense: Why should one individual have to go through numerous bad things? It seems so unfair. Moreover what benefit does it offer? Certainly one catastrophic event gives a person more than enough material to learn and grow from. Two or more such unfortunate events might just break him. Can this be what Hashem wants?

The trouble with thinking these “rational thoughts” however is that they often lead to deeply painful feelings.

“I know that Hashem is with me but I feel that He’s against me. Why did I have to lose both my parents in one year? And now my best friend — a young mother like me — has received a serious diagnosis. I just can’t handle this.”

Whether a person falls into depression when going through difficult life events or she plows onward without pause has much to do with her genes and upbringing. People prone to depression or anxiety will typically experience intensification of those feelings during heavy stress. But anyone can succumb to feelings of overwhelm hopelessness and despair when faced with multiple life difficulties.

Daily life becomes exhausting draining and miserable. Functioning becomes robotic or starts to decline. One seeks immobility and isolation because doing things is way too hard even doing those things that might help.

Staying Afloat

Crises come in many forms: financial health parenting marriage and professional. Dealing with a single crisis requires all of one’s resources. Dealing with multiple crises simultaneously requires special management skills.

The effect of going through more than one big thing at a time is similar to the effect of serious illness on the body. One’s resources are depleted. One suffers chronic pain. One’s capacity to cope may be overwhelmed.

When a person is seriously ill however she often knows what she needs to do: go to bed rest accept help from others restore her energy. She gives herself the time and space she needs to recover.

Preserving Resources

Handling multiple stressors requires the same kind of self-care. One is worn out so one needs extra rest. One is burned out so one needs solitude and quiet in which to replenish resources. One is taxed to the limit so one needs nurturing from oneself and others. Treating oneself as if one is physically ill will help ward off mental and physical collapse.

Perhaps a person must meet with a lawyer a school principal and a doctor all in one day. Recognizing that three such meetings will be completely draining she can plan to come home and take a long nap right away. Dinner will have to be cereal or takeout just as it would have been for a sick homemaker.

It may be necessary to take special care of oneself for up to a year until some of the crises have been resolved. That’s okay. It’s far better to have unmade beds and other bare-basics homemaking than to have a parent or marriage collapse under the toll of excessive stress.

Davening for oneself is the ultimate act of self-care; we know that Hashem answers us when we call out to Him. As we learn to respect the seriousness of our situation and take steps to preserve our resources we help ourselves successfully navigate our challenges. Things will settle down eventually and when they do we’ll find ourselves standing tall.