If we want our children to turn to us when in trouble, we need to create an accepting environment

“And remember: If anyone ever makes you feel uncomfortable, tell us about it. You can always speak to us.” With these words, many parents think their job is done. If only it were that simple.

“There’s no way I could tell my parents what was happening. I knew it was my fault. I was where I should never have been. I knew how angry they’d be.”

This child has experienced criticism, rebuke and punishment whenever she did what she was explicitly told not to do. So, from her point of view, why would this time be an exception?

In her child’s brain, things are black and white. She’s right or wrong, good or bad, up for reward or down for punishment. She’s afraid of what will happen when she confesses that she didn’t follow her parents’ directives — when she took that shortcut home, accepted that candy from that adult (again and again), hung out with those girls her parents told her to avoid. She’s terrified her parents will be furious with her.

A Child’s Choices

“I was almost 30 years old when I finally told my parents about my brother. My mother was incredulous. She wanted to know why I hadn’t told her when it was happening. My mom was one of those people who read a million parenting books and took all those classes. In her mind, she was almost a perfect parent, and she just couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t have opened up to her. To her, it was the ultimate parenting failure.”

This young person was silent for his own set of reasons: shame, worry for his parents, fear of disapproval. This child hadn’t been afraid of parental rage; his parents were too enlightened for all that. His warm and healthy family relationships actually increased his fear of causing pain to those he loved. He was old enough to know that his problems could lead to emotional chaos — overwhelming feelings that could, and probably would, change everything for his family. He’d rather handle this by himself.

Establishing Trust

Because of the way children’s minds work, it isn’t enough to just tell them, “You can always come to us.” In fact, no matter what parents do, there’s no guarantee a child will feel safe enough to share his or her personal anguish. However, there are things that can be done to increase the likelihood that sharing will occur.

One important way to create safety is to use parenting strategies that are consistently respectful and kind, especially when it comes to correction, guidance, and discipline. Children naturally fear their angry parents and will be extremely hesitant to confess to wrongdoing if they expect an angry response.

Every day “offenses” should be welcomed without fanfare as “understandable errors.” Even when negative consequences are required (which should be rarely, if proper teaching tools are employed), a mild, regrettable tone allows the consequence itself to provide the proper motivation; shaming, threatening, or intimidating the child must always be avoided. When it feels safe to make any kind of mistake, then it also feels safe for the child to explain how she became victimized.

The confusing mix of good and bad feelings that child victims often experience contributes to their feelings of guilt and shame. Most childhood victims have friendly relationships with their perpetrators; violent stranger crime is a rare exception. They may feel protective of the perpetrator, afraid to get him in trouble.

Therefore, it’s important for parents to explain, as part of their “you can always come to us” speech, that interactions between people can generate both good and bad feelings and that a deeply confusing mix of feelings is, itself, a signal to ask for their help. “If you’re ever feeling deeply confused, let us help you sort those feelings out. Relationships should never make you feel uncomfortable.” And, “Always remember that older kids and grownups don’t need you to take care of them; they can take care of themselves.” These small packets of emotional wisdom can make the difference between a child who is willing to talk and one whose own assumptions seal her mouth shut.

We must always remember that children don’t think like adults and that their fears can stop them from seeking help. Everything we do in parenting needs to build the feelings of safety that would invite our children to turn to us when they need us the most.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 781)