To offer support, first we have to listen and understand

When Shaindy’s husband left her five years ago, her life turned upside down. After 27 years of marriage, six children, and a life of homemaking, Shaindy no longer knew where she fit into the universe — or into the community. She could never have imagined this would happen to her. Why would her husband have a “midlife crisis” for no apparent reason? Why did Hashem let it happen? After her youngest daughter got married three years ago, Shaindy was left in her large, silent house, alone with her thoughts and her broken heart.

A few months after the wedding, Shaindy’s friend Miri showed up at the door with a gift.

“I bought a budgie bird for you,” Miri exclaimed. “I think you’ll love him!”

Shaindy, although appreciative, was horrified. Who buys a pet for someone? And a bird? Why would anyone want a bird? As she gaped, Miri walked passed her, carrying the bird cage and supplies right into the kitchen.

It didn’t take long before Shaindy built a relationship with the little feathered creature. It was there anyway, she figured, she may as well talk to it. And so, in the morning while preparing her coffee, and regularly throughout the day, Shaindy would chatter away to Chirpele. She’d tell Chirpele her plans for the day, her worries, and her thoughts about life. Chirpele made lots of chirpy noises in response, and over time, Shaindy grew to love him.

Three years passed and one sad day, Shaindy discovered Chirpele lying dead on the floor of his cage. She thought her heart would break. She started crying, a deep wrenching pain from the depths of her being.

Why did his loss hurt this much? It was just a bird, after all. But she couldn’t stop the enormous ache, no matter how little she could justify it.

Listening In

The next day, Shaindy went for her usual walk with her friend Dinah. Dinah tossed out her usual greeting as they met on the sidewalk. “How’s it going?”

“Terrible,” Shaindy replied. “Chirpele died suddenly yesterday.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that!” Dinah responded. “By the way, did you notice that Bloom’s is having a big sale this week?”

Shaindy was crushed. What did she care about Bloom’s? She barely spoke the rest of the walk and, to Dinah’s puzzlement, ended it early.

Soon it was time for her learning session with Miriam. Miriam noticed immediately that Shaindy’s voice wasn’t normal.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“No, actually, I’m feeling awful,” Shaindy answered. “Chirpele died.”

“Oh, no,” Miriam commiserated. “Will you get another bird?”

Shaindy felt sick to her stomach.

On Wednesday, Rina met Shaindy for coffee.

“Chirpele died,” Shaindy told her almost immediately.

“Oh, no!” Rina exclaimed. “You must be devastated!”

And with that, the floodgates opened. Shaindy sobbed uncontrollably as she told Rina how much the bird’s company had meant to her, how this connection helped to heal all the broken connections of her life, how it filled the emptiness with light and love and how — even though it was just a little bird — it had held her together for so long.

Rina nodded, seeming to hold Shaindy’s broken heart in her hands. She got it. This loss was about all of the losses her dear friend had suffered. The removal of this small comfort was about all of the abandonment, neglect, loneliness, and isolation that Shaindy was enduring.

Eventually, the sobbing stopped, and Shaindy looked up at her friend with gratitude. “Thank you so much for listening. You’ve really comforted me,” she told her. She was finally on the way to understanding the intensity of her own grief.

The Skill of Supporting

What made Rina’s short response so evocative for Shaindy? Rina had looked at her friend and saw the pain in her eyes, and the slump of her body.

“You must be devastated,” she said.

Both Dinah and Miriam had failed to connect. Both had an idea in their own mind about “death of a bird.” It’s just a bird. They couldn’t see their friend through their own preconceptions and therefore, couldn’t discover the unique meaning of the bird’s death to her.

All of us can learn to provide this care for each other. All we have to do is slow down, look and listen, then name what we have grasped. That is support.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 739)