The pain inflicted by bullying is not easily forgotten

E

li (not his real name) was in the youngest bunk at sleepaway camp, together with two other boys who were first cousins with each other. One of the cousins, let’s call him Dovid, was an aggressive, domineering type who used the built-in power base of having a cousin with him to wield control over his bunkmates. And since Eli was a bit on the shy side, lacking confidence, he was a picture-perfect target for Dovid’s bullying.

One afternoon during rest hour, while the counselors were schmoozing outside, Dovid took advantage of the unsupervised situation. “Let’s vote for who likes who,” he announced in a no-nonsense tone.

“And let’s start with me,” Dovid continued. Then, glaring around the bunk, he asked, “Who likes me?”

Five little hands dutifully shot into the air, including Eli’s. Smiling smugly, Dovid surveyed the response and observed boastfully, “Looks like everyone likes me.”

Dovid went around the bunk, announcing each camper’s name and assessing his popularity by a show of hands. When he got to Eli, he looked around with a scowl and asked, “And who likes Eli?”

Implicitly understanding the negative consequences of a favorable vote, no one raised his hand, including Eli.

“Ha,” Dovid shouted gleefully at Eli. “See, no one likes you at all!”

Later, the same day, Eli caught a bunkmate with whom he felt comfortable alone. “I thought you were my friend,” Eli began tentatively. “So why didn’t you vote for me today?”

With a guilty look on his face, the other boy replied, “I wanted to. But… I was afraid of Dovid.”

No, Eli was not irreparably damaged by this episode. The fact that it has remained with him in such detail for over 60 years, however, is testimony to the fact that the pain inflicted by bullying is not easily forgotten. And I know this because I am Eli. (My full name is Meir Eliyahu.)

Whenever bullying rears its ugly head — in the classroom, on the playground, at home, or in camp — responsible adults must take it seriously. No, children cannot be monitored 24/7. And it is unrealistic to attempt to eradicate all incidents of bullying. Nevertheless, parents and mechanchim need to take an active role in helping both victims and perpetrators.

The typical targets of bullying tend to be on the shy side, somewhat passive, and lacking confidence. Sixty plus years ago, I certainly fit that profile, which must have painted a bold bull's-eye on my sleepaway camp T-shirt, and all Dovid had to do was take aim. Over the years, I have, baruch Hashem, overcome those personality deficits, otherwise I would never have been able to engage in the work or the public speaking that I do today.

Victims of bullying are often affected more than I was and may need their parents to help them rebuild their self-confidence, overcome shyness, and learn the necessary social skills to deal with current and future bullies. And if parents need a hand, it often takes only a brief period of meeting with a child therapist for a victim to acquire the skills needed to remove the bullseye from him or herself.

If the victim is a talmid, mechanchim should not hesitate speaking to his parents about getting him the help he needs. It can be life changing.

Helping the bully is a much greater challenge. Lacking appropriate empathy, bullies typically do not believe that they have done anything wrong. “We were only having fun,” “I was just joking,” and “He’s way too sensitive,” are common defensive refrains. The dilemma for the parent or mechanech, therefore, is to know how to give mussar to someone who sees his behavior as well within the acceptable range.

This was the same dilemma faced by Nosson Hanavi when he was sent by Hashem to rebuke Dovid Hamelech after the episode with Bassheva (Shmuel II, 12:1). Of course, Chazal emphasized that no actual aveirah was committed (Shabbos 56a). Nevertheless, the Navi clearly states that Dovid’s actions were seen as “ra b’einei Hashem — wicked in the eyes of Hashem” (Shmuel II, 11:27).

Nosson Hanavi approached Dovid Hamelech with a metaphor presented as a real life account (Shmuel II, 12:1-4). Not realizing how the metaphor mirrored his own actions, Dovid Hamelech was able to recognize the injustice. And then when he was told that he had just judged himself, he was able to confess and do teshuvah.

Bullies will hardly be able to recognize the error of their ways as quickly as Dovid Hamelech did. They can, however, begin the process if parents and/or mechanchim use a similar approach. More specifically, real or fictional scenarios in which someone is being bullied can be discussed in class or around the Shabbos table. Then go around the class or the table asking everyone for his or her opinion of the actions of the bully. How do they think the victim felt? What do they think of someone who would mistreat another that way?

When the bully hears how behavior similar to his own causes so much pain and is reviled by his peers, it will go a long way toward helping him correct his abusive treatment of others.

Lest anyone shrug off the need to proactively intervene in cases of bullying, consider the following final personal experience:

Over 35 years ago, I participated in a weekly Sunday-morning pickup softball game at a bungalow colony during the summer. That year, the star players were a lawyer and an elementary school rebbi, who both served as team captains each week.

When it came time to choose sides, I was one of the last to be chosen, as I was not a very proficient ball player. The long wait each week to be chosen was quite stressful for me. This was not because I feared being excluded from the game, since we never had a full quorum of 18 men playing each week to begin with. Rather, I was terrified that I might end up on the lawyer’s team. You see, the lawyer took the game much too seriously and viciously castigated any teammate who made an error on the field.

About the third week into that summer, shortly after the start of the Sunday morning ball game, one of the outfielders on the lawyer’s team missed an easy fly ball. The lawyer lost his temper and hurled a loud mouthful of insults and ridicule on his hapless, red-faced teammate. The rest of both teams cringed in silence, all except the rebbi.

“You cannot continue to do that,” he declared, confronting the lawyer. “We’re here just to have a good time and you’re ruining it for all of us. You really have to control yourself and not embarrass people like that.”

The lawyer mumbled something inaudible and then concluded, “Okay, okay. Now let’s continue the game.”

During the next inning, another player on the lawyer’s team made a mistake and the lawyer erupted again. Once more, the rebbi called him to task. And once more the lawyer begrudgingly acquiesced.

The following inning was uneventful. But in the inning after that, the player who had made the initial error bobbled the ball again. This time the lawyer used even more abusive language in attacking this teammate.

“In baseball,” the rebbi proclaimed, “It’s, ‘three strikes and you’re out.’ I cannot continue to play here with you.” And with that he dropped the bat he was holding, picked up his baseball glove, and walked away, as 17 stunned, open-mouthed men watched. About half of the players, myself included, gradually followed the rebbi off the field. We then conscripted a few of the older children to join us and set up another softball game on the lawn in front of the bungalows.

Looking back now, so many years later, I am ashamed of my behavior on that Sunday morning. To this day, I regret that I followed the rebbi off the baseball field… I should have been the first one to leave!

While the rebbi’s actions were truly admirable, they should not have been necessary. In all likelihood, the lawyer may have exhibited similar bullying behavior as a child. Perhaps the adults who observed him shrugged it off, thinking, “Oh, he’ll eventually grow out of it.” But he obviously didn’t. It is critical, therefore, to remember that childhood bullies who are not dealt with properly can, and often do, grow into adult bullies who terrorize not only teammates, but also coworkers, employees, and spouses.

Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 762. Dr. Meir Wikler, a frequent contributor to this space, is a psychotherapist and family counselor in full-time private practice with offices in Brooklyn, NY, and Lakewood, NJ. He is also a published author whose most recent book is Behind Closed Doors: Over 45 Years of Helping People Overcome Their Challenges (Menucha Publishers).