Leave people happy they saw you

C haya is waiting for her turn at the bank when Rifky — a former neighbor — suddenly appears behind her in line. The following conversation ensues. (Chaya’s thoughts are in brackets preceding her actual words.)

Chaya: Hi!

Rifky: Hi! How are you? It’s been quite a while!

Chaya: Yes it has. Good to see you!

Rifky: How’s your mom doing?

Chaya: [Mom has been in a terrible state ever since we moved her to eldercare.] Good good baruch Hashem.

Rifky: That’s good! Did you hear that my Elisheva is engaged?

Chaya: No I didn’t. Mazel tov!

Rifky: You still have some singles don’t you?

Chaya: [Do we have to go there?] Yes.

Rifky: Oh well everything in the right time right? How’s your Shoshi doing — I think the last time I saw her was around six years ago — she’d just had a baby. She must have a couple more by now right?

Chaya: [No but it’s too complicated to explain right now.] Not yet.

Rifky: Are they having infertility issues? I know an excellent doctor.

Chaya: [Oy vey how do I make this conversation end?] I can’t believe how long this line is!

Rifky: Yeah it’s always like this here. Should I give you Dr. Silverstone’s number?

Chaya: [You’re not getting the message.] No thanks. Oh the teller is calling me. Well good seeing you!

Social Rituals

“Hi how are you” is a formula a part of a social ritual that facilitates interpersonal connection. Its underlying meaning is something like “I acknowledge your presence.” The formula can be offered to a wide range of people from those we don’t know at all to those we’ve spent many hours of our life with.

When uttered by strangers acquaintances neighbors and colleagues the correct reply is some version of “fine” — whether or not that’s a truthful answer.

Some people mistake the greeting for an actual question that requires a detailed answer: They may launch into a description of their recent adventures including details of their family life their health their work and leisure activities and any other topic they want to share.

This kind of answer is best reserved for friends who have actually stopped what they’re doing to listen intently to your answer as opposed to those who are uttering the greeting while passing you on the sidewalk finishing a transaction at the store filling a shopping cart or doing anything other than sitting down for a personal visit.

Let’s Not Go There

Another social ritual involves asking after the welfare of loved ones. “How are your parents? How are the kids?”

These questions are not only innocent and well-intentioned they’re also meant to create feelings of inclusivity caring and bonding. Here too the correct answer is some version of “fine” — no matter who asks the question. After all the answer necessitates sharing private information about people who haven’t given you their permission to share it. Would you want your sister revealing to her acquaintances that you’ve been struggling in an abusive marriage? The laws of lashon hara are easily transgressed once we start talking about people. Better not to go there.

Moreover when asking a person about her well-being or that of her loved ones we are practically insisting that she lie. After all do we really expect that our friends and acquaintances and all their relatives are “fine”? It would be rather odd to find that the issues that plague human beings — illness financial problems marriage problems difficulties with children addictions mental health challenges legal tangles employment struggles singlehood infertility loss traumatic events and so much more — affect everyone in the world except those in our own small social circle (and their relatives)!

Forcing people to say “fine” when it isn’t true can cause them mental and physical strain increase their stress and sometimes even aggravate their depression — not a very friendly thing for us to do.

The Workaround

It’s interesting that on Shabbos we’re spared the stress of the social ritual. The simple greeting “Good Shabbos” requires nothing of us other than returning it. No questions asked; no lies spoken.

During the week we can achieve a similarly peaceful effect by changing our ritual greeting to “Hi! Nice to see you!” By avoiding potentially distressing questions you will always leave people feeling happy that they saw you too. (Originally featured in Family First Issue 550)