Should we encourage our kids to conform?

Conformity can be a good thing. For example, it can make it easier for us to fit in socially and do what we’re supposed to do. This can smooth the path through life. Doing what everyone else is doing also removes a lot of unnecessary and exhausting thinking. “What field should I go into after seminary? Should I be an inventor, a marine biologist, an astronaut? Or should I just go into speech therapy like my friends are doing? Yeah, I think speech therapy sounds good.”

Conformity makes the norms very clear. When everyone is wearing the same few colors and styles, they know they “belong” to a particular group. Similarity in one aspect, like clothing, invites similarity in every other aspect, such as speech patterns, thought patterns, even behavioral patterns. The more similarity found in a group, the more secure every member of the group feels. Uniformity bonds people, strengthening both relationships and the sense of self.

So what happens when a person won’t — or can’t — conform?

Outside the Box

“My son isn’t like the boys in his class. At recess, they like to kick a ball around and the class hero is the one who can kick it best. Ari is an introverted, soft-spoken, ‘artsy’ kid. He likes to draw at recess or maybe read a book. He doesn’t join in with the other boys. They used to mock him but now they just ignore him. I feel terrible for him because he doesn’t have any close friends,” says one mother.

Yes, Ari marches to his own drum. The other boys don’t “get” him; in fact, he’s only accepted at home by his loving and appreciative family. His sisters adore him, but Mom is worried. “Ari is a special boy, but I don’t want him to suffer for it. I was wondering if I should hire a soccer tutor for him....”

Good question. Should Mom work to help her son conform to the standards of his peer group? Or should she support and encourage his unique personal inclinations? Maybe she should help him to strengthen his courage to be different, to be himself?

Different

“Hindy has some significant learning disabilities. Her good friends have gone off to excellent colleges, but she’s working as an assistant in a local preschool. It’s hard for her to study in order for her to advance herself in some way. Of course, she’ll make a wonderful homemaker one day, but most of the learning boys are now looking for more accomplished young women. I lose sleep contemplating her future.”

Everyone is supposed to attend the right program, move on to the right position, and into the next right stage of life — an ideal, one-size-is-supposed-to-fit-all destiny.

Of course, so many young people don’t stay on the narrow road. Some suffer feelings of inadequacy because of their failure to conform sufficiently. Being out of step hurts. And many parents hurt for their children who have fallen off the assembly line somewhere along the way.

Coping with Differences

The truth is that all of us are “different.” Even when dressed in identical uniforms, no two people have identical souls. Each of us is here on a very individualized mission. Our individual personalities ensure that we’ll always be “different,” and while outsiders may think that we’re the same as everyone else, in fact, no one is the same as everyone else! When we can embrace this about ourselves, it’ll help us embrace it about our children too and this acceptance will help both us and them.

Here’s another perspective:

“I know my mom worries about me, but I wish she wouldn’t. I don’t care that my friends are studying to become speech therapists, nurses, and accountants. None of that is for me. I’m not the academic type. I’m happy to finally be out of school! And I trust that Hashem will find me a good boy who doesn’t need a professional woman for a wife. I’m happy being myself.”

“My wife is considering giving Ari soccer lessons, but I think that’s a mistake. He doesn’t like sports! I suggested we sign him up for drum lessons because he’ll like that and later on, his classmates will be impressed that he can provide entertainment at a simchah. I think we have to go with who he is. His peers won’t be kicking a ball around forever.”

Being one’s best self always involves being one’s true self. Hashem makes no mistakes.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 719)