Simchahs should be enjoyable. But what if they’re not?

Some people love a party! Give them a table and an occasion and they’re off to the races: They’ll plan and design and shop and create until “voilà” — it’s magnificent! They’ll thrill to the crowd’s admiration and pleasure.

And that’s only the beginning of the fun: Shopping for the perfect outfit searching out the most fabulous invitations making all the arrangements — every step of the party process is filled with pleasure and personal gratification. And to top it all off it’s for such a good cause: a celebration of the highest order a mitzvah a turning point in one’s life and the lives of loved ones. What could be better?

Anything But

For some folks however nearly anything would be better than a party. There are some people believe it or not who take no pleasure at all in arranging the details of a simchah. There are even those who don’t enjoy attending the simchah itself whether that is because they don’t like crowd scenes or because they don’t like parties or because they don’t like the crowd that will be at the party!

The hardest part of Jewish life for me is all the simchahs. I have always been an introvert — definitely not a people person. Moreover I come from a small family (I have just one sibling) and my parents were not observant. The only simchah my family ever made was my wedding! I have eight kids of my own now and of course I’ve had to make many simchahs. Each one has been very stressful for me.

I don’t mind planning my family’s simchahs. I wouldn’t even mind going to them if the only people who attended were my good friends. But there’s a lot of “politics” in my extended family with so many people who don’t like each other and some who don’t even talk to each other; unfortunately our simchahs are very strained. Inevitably I hear complaints from one person or another afterward about the seating arrangement or some perceived slight. For me there’s more aggravation than pleasure in these events.

I get extremely overwhelmed every time I have to make a simchah. Oh it always turns out beautifully in the end but the process is far from enjoyable for me. I stress out about every detail and I find that I always forget things and make mistakes. I work I have young kids and I’m not the organized type. I hate to admit it but instead of happy I feel trapped and resentful when organizing my simchahs.And by the time I finish adding up the bills I am downright miserable.

Simchah Stress

As we can see there are many reasons why the simchah in a simchah might sometimes be lacking. For some people making or attending a simchah (their own or even someone else’s) might be hard at a particular point in life. For others due to their nature or circumstances every simchah might involve significant stress. No matter what makes the simchah challenging every Jewish person must find ways to cope because simchahs are an unavoidable part of our lives. Here are some “survival strategies” that simchah-phobic people have successfully employed:

• I don’t enjoy simchah planning but I like the simchah itself. Therefore I delegate almost every aspect of the job — some of it to hired help some to my spouse and some to creative friends and relatives.
• I used to beat myself up for not enjoying parties. Now I just have more compassion for myself. It’s not a part of life that I enjoy so much but so what? I enjoy other things. I have friends who love parties but don’t enjoy housework and some who love homemaking but don’t like their jobs. There are things we like and things we don’t. Ever since I’ve stopped judging myself it’s become easier for me to cope with making simchahs.
• At some point I realized that the reason I didn’t enjoy some parts of making simchahs is because I just wasn’t good at them. Since I have a large family and can’t avoid simchahs I decided to improve my skills. I found it amazing that a person like myself — all thumbs when it comes to this stuff — could actually learn some new tricks! Once I became more competent I also became more confident and that gave me so much more pleasure.
• I finally accepted myself and my circumstances and stopped competing. I find that when I concentrate on the love of my family and friends and the mitzvah itself I am truly joyful.