S

iblings are a strange bunch. Many spend their childhoods fighting with each other, even if as adults they’re the best of friends.

What Are They Fighting About?

“I got it first.” “He kicked me!” “He’s whistling on purpose!” “She touched my stuff.” “She’s making faces at me!” “She’s bothering me!”

They have plenty of complaints about each other’s behavior. And they have complaints about your behavior too:

“You never do anything about it.” “You never ask the others to help — just me.” “You let them stay up later!” “It’s not fair!”

Why Are They Fighting?

We might ask why they’re fighting. Is it due, as some say, to a deep-seated competition for parental love and attention? Or maybe it’s a battle for resources, with each child wanting it all for him or herself, including space, possessions, and parental attention? Perhaps it is the deep human vulnerability, the fear and loathing of losing, of being rejected, of being powerless? Who knows? Who cares? Parents just want the fighting to stop!

It’s Not Fair

Let’s keep in mind that getting along is no simple feat. Many spouses haven’t mastered it even after decades of living together. We need to understand that sibling rivalry is normal. In fact, it’s important that we don’t exhaust ourselves working excessively hard at being “fair,” measuring out everyone’s dollop of food, time, and attention just so. Instead, try to foster the notion that you win some and lose some, that it all works out over time, and there’s plenty to go around. Do this by remaining unflustered when a child wraps the measuring tape around her serving of ice cream and those of her siblings.

Handling Aggression

When a child is being physically assaulted by a sibling, you have to intervene. Your job is to keep everyone in the family safe. You need a protocol for actually teaching an aggressive child how to handle feelings of frustration in a safe and acceptable manner.

Punishment alone cannot help a child learn what he or she needs to know. You’ll need to teach specific responses and have the child practice them in formal practice sessions. You can use generous amounts of praise and rewards to reinforce the use of new and better strategies in real time.

In addition, you need to help preserve the emotional well-being of an aggressive child. After all, this child gets a tremendous amount of negative attention from both siblings and parents. He’s only a child, and his difficult behavior is something that he can’t necessarily control. Eventually the youngster may come to see him or herself as bad and unlovable.

Therefore, when the child attacks another, be sure to listen to and be supportive toward his or her story just as you will be toward the victim’s perspective. And keep in mind that many times, the “victim” isn’t purely innocent and may also need education and redirection.

Regular Conflict

Establish Torah-true standards for speech, using plenty of positive feedback to encourage kind and respectful words and actions between siblings. Put far more time, effort, and attention into looking for, finding, and celebrating pro-social behaviors than in correcting the antisocial ones.

For instance, give quality attention to the child who is quietly and appropriately passing the salt to her brother and say little or nothing to the ones who are fighting over the ketchup bottle.

When you need to redirect behavior, insist that the kids practice the correct way to handle their dispute. “Both of you please put your hands down and leave the ketchup bottle on the table. You both want the ketchup, so please make an arrangement right now between yourselves so that you can both get it.” Again, praising the more appropriate behavior is an essential part of retraining. You can also reduce some conflict by creating simple rules such as, “Everyone will be assigned a day of the week to sit beside Mommy.”

Regularly addressing the siblings as a unified group can also help them develop a more cohesive group identity. “Good morning, my yummy ones!”

Finally, model the kind of behavior you want to see. When they’re yelling at each other, keep your own voice down and speak slowly. Only then can you ask them to speak to each other in a quiet and respectful way. If you do all this, your kids will still fight, of course. But maybe it will be a little less intensely and a lot less often.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 692)