SHOULD WE RISK BUCKING SOCIETAL TRENDS? 

How should we deal with social conventions that strike us as at best blown far out of proportion and at worst as ridiculous? (I am not referring chas v’shalom to conventions that have been part of the mesorah for generations or that rise to the level of minhag Yisrael.) What makes the issue so difficult is that even when we think that a particular custom is ridiculous many others do not. And the assumptions of the latter group are realities with which we must grapple: We do not live in isolation.

Let’s say for instance that my daughter has just become engaged. Now I may think that gold watches are inappropriate for a ben Torah. But what if in the chassan’s yeshivah they are considered the norm. If the first thing my chassan tells me is that he doesn’t need a new watch or that he would prefer a Shas instead my problems are solved. But what if he doesn’t?

Do I act according to my “principles” and provide a less flashy watch in order to convey something of the values of the family into which he is marrying or even as an implied compliment that he is at such a spiritual madreigah that he couldn’t possibly want an eye-catching watch? He may not understand the compliment and I run the risk of embarrassing the new chassan. Maybe he will even view a less expensive watch as a hint that I do not respect his learning or think he is a “catch.”

Some conventions have a basis; they are just carried to absurd extremes. Compatibility of family backgrounds is an important aspect of the research of any shidduch. Every family does things in different ways and as a consequence every young chassan and kallah approach one another as speakers of foreign tongues. The more we can diminish the difference in dialects the better. That is why chassidim overwhelmingly marry chassidim and why some Israeli-born children from English-speaking homes look for the same in shidduchim.

No one denies that Jewish communities separated for two millennia and developing in different cultural milieus differ widely from one another and thus ethnic background is a valid consideration in evaluating shidduchim. The only problem is when valid considerations harden into irrebuttable presumptions.

We all know many many cases where the father’s last name or the mother’s maiden name tells us absolutely nothing about the children’s cultural background. Let’s say the family of the young man or woman under consideration have been ice-fishermen in Alaska for three generations or alternatively that they have all been outstanding products of mainstream yeshivos for generations. Surely the country of origin of the great-grandparents tells us very little about the family today.

While of necessity we all use various “filters” in the shidduchim process ultimately the appropriateness of every suggestion should be made on an individual basis not on the basis of categories. I’m convinced that those who do so while others are foolishly unwilling to even consider someone with the wrong hair color or background have the best chances of finding a real “metziah.”

But as noted above widely held views even prejudiced ones have a life of their own. What should I do when my own strongly held belief that it is wrong to judge a fellow Jew other than as an individual collides with the fact that many in the society in which I live do so. Can I just ignore the social reality that certain shidduchim might make it harder for my grandchildren to find shidduchim or to be accepted at the schools of their choice even when I’m convinced that the young man or woman is perfect for my child? Do we decide to follow our own conscience even at a potential cost to our offspring out of a sense that someone must be the Nachshon if things are going to change? Or do we fold in the face of the realities of the society in which we live?

I don’t know and I am eager to hear the opinion of readers.

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FREEDOM IN CAPTIVITY: NOT AN OXYMORON

Shortly before Pesach I happened to hear a radio interview with Noam Shalit the father of Gilad Shalit. He told the interviewer how hard it was for his family to celebrate “chag hacheirut – the holiday of freedom” with Gilad still in captivity. In the course of the interview it became clear that the Shalit family felt it would not only be difficult but impossible to conduct a Seder without Gilad present.

I do not mention this interview to judge the Shalit family in any way. None of us can possibly imagine the open wound of sitting at a Seder table knowing that one member of the family is alive but completely cut off from all contact. But beyond my pity for the family for their situation I felt sorry for the Shalits that they could find no reason to celebrate Pesach together with the rest of Klal Yisrael.

Many times in Jewish history Jews have conducted the Seder with its celebration of Hashem’s miraculous salvation and our removal from slavery to freedom in circumstances that were far from freedom. We have all read accounts of the lengths that Jews went to in the death camps to gather a few kernels of wheat from which to make matzos. Those present at such Sedarim had no assurance that they would survive to celebrate the next Pesach in happier circumstances and likely most of them did not. Yet the very memory of the miracles in Egypt kept alive the possibility that no matter how hopeless their present situation seemed they too might experience Divine salvation.

Even when that hope was not realized the participation in the familiar rituals instilled confidence that even if the participants did not survive as individuals the Jewish People would. The eternity of the Jewish Nation which was forged in the crucible of Egypt gave meaning to their mesirus nefesh to join themselves with that history on Seder night.

We heard similar sentiments expressed last week on Yom HaZikaron Israel’s memorial day for fallen soldiers in interviews with loved one’s of those killed in battle. Many spoke of the consolation of knowing that their sons husbands fathers and brothers had died for a cause in which they believed and that their deaths had helped secure the lives of Jews in their ancient homeland. In their private sorrow they found solace in being part of the Jewish People.

“The task is not yours to complete; neither are you free to leave it off.” Each of us is part of an unbroken chain that began thousands of years before our birth and will continue long after we are gone. To consciously join ourselves to that larger history can sustain us through many private travails. 

B’ezras Hashem next year the Shalits will celebrate their Seder with Gilad. But even if they cannot may they know the comfort of joining themselves to Klal Yisrael throughout the generations. 

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KHAMEINI’S SORCERY CARD 

One of the scariest aspects of Iran’s push to acquire nuclear weapons is the theological impulse behind that effort. As the dean of Middle East scholars Bernard Lewis has said many times for Ahmadinejad and those closest to him the threat of a nuclear conflagration may be an incentive not a deterrent.

Ahmadinejad frequently proclaims the imminent return of the Mahdi the twelfth or “Hidden” Imam. He has spoken from the podium of the UN of communing with the Hidden Imam and stated publicly in February that the Mahdi is orchestrating Arab Spring. What makes this frightening is that in the thought of the Hojatieh Society a group that holds great sway over Ahmadinejad the Mahdi’s arrival can be hastened by human intervention in the apocalyptic events surrounding his coming.

In that context one cheery footnote of the current brinksmanship between Ahmadinejad and Supreme Leader Ali Khameini are indications that the clerical leadership is not comfortable with the talk of the Hidden Imam’s imminent return. Ahmadinejad recently fired the intelligence minister who is closely linked to Khameini and defied Khameini’s order to reinstate him for nearly two weeks.

In retaliation twenty-five close associates of Ahmadinejad including according to some reports his chief of staff Esfandian Rahim Masheia whom Ahmadinejad is thought to have been grooming to succeed him have been arrested on charges of “sorcery ” which carries with it the death penalty. Those arrested are primarily connected to the Hojatieh Society.  

If those rumors are true that will be one witch hunt we can happily support.