“Dan l’chaf zechus is the acknowledgment that we’re missing puzzle pieces — and we often excuse our own actions faster than others’ actions”

Q:

I’m essentially naive and trusting and always assume that everyone has the best of intentions. Yet I have a neighbor who often behaves in a way that is shockingly selfish. Each time she does that, I think, It’s not possible she really did this spitefully. There must be some other explanation.

Recently though, I got very hurt by this same neighbor. I’m very angry and am having trouble trying to come up with excuses for her. My question is: Should I even be doing that? Maybe I don’t need to be dan l’chaf zechus in all situations, and should acknowledge that people have faults, some quite ugly, and therefore I need to be wary of them instead of excusing their bad behavior?

Missing Puzzle Pieces

Elisheva Kaminetsky

WE

all want a warm, trusting community. Chazal gave us a tool: “Hevei dan es kol ha’adam l’chaf zechus” (Avos 1:6). But dan l’chaf zechus isn’t fantasy writing; it isn’t inventing stories to whitewash what was wrong. It doesn’t ask for creativity — only humility.

We tend to judge others with our own toolbox. If I’m rested, calm, and unhurried, I imagine everyone else had the same sleep, strength, and patience. But we don’t carry identical toolboxes. How much did this person sleep? What pressures are they under? Without those answers, my quick verdict is often more about me than about them.

Psychology has a name for this: the fundamental attribution error. When I lose my temper, I call it “a bad day.” When you lose yours, I’m tempted to call it “a bad middah.” Dan l’chaf zechus interrupts that reflex. It doesn’t pretend that an unkind act was kind; it simply says, “I don’t yet see the whole picture.”

Torah living marries accountability with compassion. Wrong remains wrong; repair is necessary. Yet we approach others with the humility of knowing that only HaKadosh Baruch Hu is the Dayan Emes, the Yodei’a Nistaros. We hold our judgments lightly because our knowledge is partial.

Practically, this looks small and doable: Pause before labeling; ask one curious question; daven for the person you’re tempted to judge. How often is a child cranky and we’re frustrated — until we feel a feverish forehead? Frustration becomes compassion as missing pieces fall into place. Even a sliver of context can soften the heart and open a path to better choices.

Being dan l’chaf zechus isn’t the art of making excuses, pretending that hurt didn’t happen, or naively trusting people. It’s the acknowledgment that we’re missing puzzle pieces — and we often excuse our own actions faster than others’ actions. It’s the recognition that we’re all fallible and that others deserve the same slack we give ourselves. When we do that, trust doesn’t come from denial; it grows from truth approached gently, in the presence of the One Who sees it all.

Elisheva Kaminetsky is a wife, parent, grandparent, principal, adult educator, consultant, and kallah teacher.

Reasons, Not Excuses

Ruchi Koval

G

iving the benefit of the doubt is an incredibly beautiful halachah  that has long-ranging positive effects on nearly every relationship.

Nearly.

Pirkei Avos 1:6 is just one place where we’re instructed to judge others favorably, and there’s a flurry of commentary on the limitations of that guidance. For example, if there is no doubt, if the person has established themselves as a “habitual sinner,” the obligation to judge favorably doesn’t apply.

In other words, you don’t have to give the benefit of the doubt where there’s no doubt.

You also should not put yourself in a position where you’re knowingly making yourself vulnerable to being hurt over and over again by a person who has an established pattern of hurtful behavior. The Torah wants us to be kind, but also kind to ourselves. To paraphrase Hillel, “What is hateful to you, do not allow others to do to you.”

What I’ve learned over the years is that there is still a way to capture the essence of this beautiful middah of judging others favorably, even while establishing clear and strong boundaries about how we are and aren’t willing to be treated.

We don’t need to make up all kinds of excuses, as you suggest, for what the person could have meant, but we can come up with reasons and understanding for why they might be wired in such a way as to consistently hurt other people. Maybe they have a personality disorder? Maybe they were hurt as a child and learned negative coping mechanisms? Maybe they were never taught emotionally healthy ways of communicating (most people never were)? Maybe they were just born with a really tough personality that’s hard to overcome? In this way, we’re being completely clear-eyed about who they are, while also working on not being so judgmental of them personally.

This is high-level mussar work. I applaud you for engaging in it honestly and earnestly.

Ruchi Koval is a parent coach, author, kiruv rebbetzin, and public speaker who helps parents struggling with their teens and adult children.

Beneficial Both Ways

Shevi Samet

I

hear the pain and confusion in your question. You want to believe in and see the goodness in everyone and you also want to protect yourself from the hurt and betrayal you continue to experience.

The truth is, those two aren’t mutually exclusive. You’re required to ensure your own safety and well-being. Protecting, and when necessary, removing ourselves from situations or otherwise shielding ourselves from mistreatment is a prerequisite and doesn’t contradict being dan l’chaf zechus. We can’t control other people and their behavior, but we can control our own responses. The reality is, people are good and they are flawed. They will not always behave properly and they may hurt us due to their own challenges or weaknesses.

A common misconception is that judging favorably is beneficial to one we avoid judging, in this case your neighbor. And it may be true that in looking for a zechus for her behavior, she benefits from your ayin tovah. But don’t forget that ultimately the mitzvah is ours and for our personal good and development. In the practice of being dan l’chaf zechus, we’re emulating Hashem and orienting ourselves toward His ways. The one who benefits most from this practice is us; honing a positive perspective, increasing internal peacefulness, and improving interpersonal relationships. Sometimes it feels like in judging others positively we’re negating our own experiences, even invalidating our hurt, and that can understandably invite significant resistance.

Try this framing and see how it lands: “I don’t know why she did this deeply hurtful thing and I can’t know why because I’m not her. I do know that she’s essentially good and loved by Hashem, as all people are, and I want to work toward seeing that goodness in her despite my hurt, because ultimately that makes me a positive, favorable person who is modeling the ways of Hashem. And that is a version of myself I want to be.”

Shevi Samet is a wife and mother, educator, kallah teacher, and Core MMC.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 968)