Forgiving someone is hard unless we involve Hashem in the process

There’s love, joy, connection, belonging, understanding, fun, intellectual stimulation, support, and lots of other wonderful benefits to be found within human relationships. There are also few things more painful than human relationships.

“My husband works in the family business,” says Rina. “When my father-in-law retired, he handed the business to both his sons. Unfortunately, my brother-in-law was very greedy. He managed to deceive and manipulate my husband and almost drove us to the point of bankruptcy. I couldn’t believe that a person would do that to his own brother.”

Betrayal is one of the deepest, most traumatic types of pain found in close, trusting relationships. Betrayal comes in many flavors and often includes aspects of abandonment, dishonesty, and manipulation — each of which leaves its own special scar. Betrayal of trust that occurs between parent and child — when a person neglects, abuses, or otherwise harms their child — also causes enduring and excruciating pain. Can victims of family betrayal ever truly forgive those who harmed them?

Betrayal is only one type of relationship pain. All human relationships have the potential to be hurtful in a variety of ways. Friends and relatives, for example, routinely let each other down and hurt each other’s feelings through words and deeds. They fail to call, to acknowledge, to protect, assist, or understand. They fail to share the burden or respect boundaries, they accuse falsely, and they malign. Neighbors, colleagues, business partners, and even strangers can act in ways that are insulting, disrespectful, uncaring, or even cruel. Of course, these are all just short lists of the harms that humans can perpetrate on each other. The question is, can we really forgive any of them for any of this?

The Season of Forgiveness

Forgiveness never goes out of season, although it’s particularly on our minds right now as we beg Hashem to forgive us for everything we’ve done wrong this past year. We’re encouraged to engage in the act of forgiveness daily, and our bedtime tefillos are organized to help us do just that.

Unfortunately, forgiving is hard to do. How do we deal with all that hurt? How do we condone atrocious behavior? How do we move forward? Can we really say things like, “It’s okay. I don’t mind that you ruined my life/stole my money/hurt my child? I forgive you.”

What if we do mind? What if we can’t find feelings of forgiveness even after doing a thorough search in the recesses of our heart?

They tell us that forgiveness is for ourselves. It’s good for us. When we forgive, we can let go of the painful memories and toxic emotions. We can set ourselves free. We certainly don’t want to feel endless feelings of rage, disgust, or revulsion, and yes, we want to be free to move on. But how are we supposed to condone that which we detest or abhor? Letting it go feels like self-harm, a betrayal of ourselves!

Unless there is another type of forgiveness. We may not be able to say we don’t care about it anymore. But what if we were to forgive Hashem instead of our perpetrator? In other words, what if we could attain the relief and peace of mind that forgiveness offers, by forgiving the One Who is behind all hurts? Let’s look at how this might be accomplished.

When someone hurts us, our lack of forgiveness holds them accountable and helps keep us safe from future attack. “She revealed my private conversations with her. I no longer like or trust her. I will never forgive her and I’ll certainly never confide in her again.” Our feelings of upset center around the fact that this betrayal was wrong — it should never have happened. How dare she? How could she? we think.

And of course, there’s only one way she could have done it: Hashem arranged it for us. When we acknowledge that Hashem is the One Who orchestrates all events, then we’ll have found the right address for our grievance. And knowing how Hashem loves us and is always helping us, we’ll have also found the right address for our forgiveness. “I know You allowed this to happen, Hashem, and I know You sent it to help me in my journey. I accept the pain. I forgive You.”

The weight is lifted. We understand it had to happen. We see the agent as simply a messenger. And yes, now forgiveness has set us free.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 914)